Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The gay sex episode
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 11.19.2001
Back at CTU, Kiefer enters and hides behind one of the room dividers. He whips out his cell and calls Nina, tells her that he's a block away, and orders her to deliver a print-out of the downed jet's passenger list to his desk and wait there so he can talk to her privately. Once she grabs the passenger list and exits, he sneaks over to Jalapeno Spice's desk. Okay, have you ever seen Diana Ross in concert? Apparently she changes her outfit, like, forty-seven thousand times. Jalapeno Spice is the Diana Ross of CIA agents, because she's not only wearing a new outfit this episode…I mean, "hour"…but she's also got a brand-new pair of black Eames Management chairs behind her desk to sit on. He tells her about Walsh's death, and asks her to do more computer-y mojo on the key card and get all the Palmer files off of it to determine that it's really Nina who is the dirty agent. JS tells Kiefer that although she can determine Nina's connection to the key card, it will take several episodes…I mean, "hours"…to pull all the Palmer info off the keycard. Incidentally, this makes zero sense. How does it take that long to pull some Word files off a magnetically coded key card? That would be like going to the Gap and having to wait four hours for your Visa Card to be verified. It's a magnetic strip, not an Afghan cave. Kiefer explains that he needs the info by the time Palmer starts his day on the sixth episode…I mean, "at 6:00 AM."
Jalapeno Spice sneaks over to Nina's workstation to determine the card's origin while Kiefer goes upstairs to talk to Nina, who is watching him and Jalapeno from Kiefer's glass-walled office. On his way, he passes Soul Patch, who notices some cuts on Kiefer's wrist. Does Soul Patch mind his own beeswax and focus on the investigation? Or does he get in Kiefer's face? Do I even have to ask? Kiefer climbs the stairs to his office and, for some reason, wipes his bloody wrist on the aluminum railing as if it has healing powers or something. The screen splits, showing Kiefer and Nina's conversation on the left while Jalapeno snoops around on Nina's workstation on the right. Nina tells Kiefer that there was a passenger on the flight whose information was inconsistent. She also takes him to task for sneaking out of the office without letting her know where he was going. "How can I help you without you letting me?" says Nina with a sultry yet evil look. Kiefer starts to pick her brain about a possible dirty agent. Nina, trying not to look too busted, asks Kiefer to tell her what he knows. Kiefer swears he's only "thinking out loud." In order to buy more time for Jalapeno, Kiefer starts asking Nina about her affair with Soul Patch and whether it is the reason behind Soul Patch's attitude problem. Um, Kiefer? You run a government counter-terrorism agency, not a Celestial Seasonings factory. You don't need to get to the root of your employee's attitude problems. You need to fire said employee. Finally, Jalapeno Spice calls on the phone to tell Kief that Nina's computer stored the info on the keycard. Kief sends Nina off to do more passenger list stuff, and it's time for another costume change. More shirtless Kiefer. Yum. After his shirt of the hour is on, his phone rings. It's the print lab. The prints aren't matching anyone. Either the guy doesn't exist, or his identity has been wiped off the record. Not that it occurs to anyone that there might be a sniper out there who's simply never been fingerprinted. The time is 2:23:12.