Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Headless, The Sweathogs, And America's Crotch
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.07.2004
Christ, I hated that movie.
Phoebe hesitates, so America's Crotch obnoxiously imitates Phoebe's biological clock ticking. Phoebe inhales sharply and accepts the ladle to gulp down the mix. As she swallows, the screen squiggles and flares into a negative image before Phoebe finds herself descending the Manor stairs in slow motion. The doorway to the sun porch is flooded with a golden light that obscures whatever's beyond it. Phoebe starts towards it, but one of last week's bondage queens squiggles into the hallway to hurl a Flaming Ball Of Death at her head. Phoebe ducks and the queen charges, so Phoebe latches onto his leather vest and tosses him onto the dining room table, where he vanquishes a glass vase with his back before simply disappearing. Another bondage queen wraps his arms around her from behind, so she flips him towards the wall. This clone vanishes in mid-air. Phoebe, gasping, scopes out the main floor for more intruders before taking a few more steps towards the sun porch. Another bondage queen, who'd been clinging to the ceiling like Spider-Man, drops to the floor behind her, slicing at her shoulder with a knife while he's still on his way down. As Crappy Linda Fiorentino Movie Feebs drops the carpet in the Manor, Real-Life Feebs snipers to the dirt in The Lair Of America's Crotch. A thin, bloody gash now decorates her shoulder. "You didn't tell me I could get hurt," she pouts. "You didn't ask," smirks the Crotch. The two chat about what we just saw, with the Crotch insisting that Phoebe must make it through the sun porch doorway to learn her true future. Raige orbs in at this moment to fill Phoebe in on the situation at home, and also to suggest Phoebe flee the school grounds before she loses her head as well. Phoebe glances at America's Crotch before admitting she'd like to remain where she is for now. "Gideon put me on this path for a reason," she explains, "and I believe that there are answers here. You know where to find me if you need me." "Okay," Raige allows with a somewhat puzzled expression. "But remember that she's a suspect, too," she adds, cocking her head towards the Crotch. Raige orbs out as the Crotch offers Phoebe another shot of the potion.
Manor. Piper's Head hears Raige arrive with the sullen teens and makes hooting noises. The sullen teens ooh and aah about seeing the Manor interior, which Horshack describes as "just like the text." Oh yeah? I bet the text doesn't mention that assy canary yellow paint they smeared all over the foyer walls, now does it? Washington says something stupid. Shut up, Boom Boom. Epstein harasses Mini-Barbarino. Yawn. Raige eventually herds them all onto the sun porch, where Epstein cracks unwise about Piper's "good part[s]" not being present at the moment. An annoying scene follows wherein Raige urges the student responsible to come clean, and the Sweathogs hurl accusations at each other. I ignore them all in favor of waiting for my husband to appear, which he eventually does, gesturing silently towards Raige from the kitchen. Piper's Head rolls its eyes a lot and mugs, because that's all Holly Marie Combs can do while she's stuck in a piece of furniture designed to disguise the fact that she is, by now, three hundred and nine weeks pregnant.