Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Headless, The Sweathogs, And America's Crotch
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.07.2004
This is the episode that never ends, right?
Manor sun porch. Raige scrunches up her face in empathic squickiness as the Dolt places Piper's head atop the cabinet and gently spins it around so it faces the room. So, Holly Marie Combs had to spend how many hours attempting to act from the depths of a piece of furniture just to disguise the fact that she is, by now, two hundred and eighty-eight weeks pregnant? That had to suck. Not as much as this miserable excuse for an episode, of course, but still. "On the plus side," Raige dimly offers, "this is a great way for [the Psycho] to get out and socialize." "If I had legs," Piper's Head grits, "I would kick you." A processing summit follows, during which Piper suggests that they find the kid responsible for the current mess and vanquish him. "I keep getting this feeling it's one of the kids in my class," Raige admits. "Why?" murmurs the Dolt. Because they're all snotty, surly, back-talking delinquents? Just a guess. Dolt. Raige's explanation is far kinder than mine, in that she reasons they're the most powerful kids in the school. Therefore, they're also the most likely suspects. She proposes bringing them all to the Manor, as they won't be able to conjure the Horseman once they're off Not!warts grounds. The Dolt finds this an excellent idea, especially now that the Glamorous Ladies are now themselves targets. "Uh oh," mutters Piper's Head. "Phoebe." The Dolt offers to fetch her, but Piper's Head immediately shoots him down, as she doesn't want the Psycho to end up with two worthless parents. So whom does she suggest for this dangerous mission? My husband, of course. Wench.
And finally, after one entire godforsaken episode and twenty-four minutes of this one, pretty, pretty Big Gay Chris finally returns to my television screen. He's up in the Prue Halliwell Memorial Bimbo Boudoir Of Paisley Tit Slings And Other Fashion Atrocities, currently occupied by my psychotic, power-mad brother-in-law. He's also unshaven, and the dusting of stubble does wonders for his look. Sigh. A tense Big Gay Chris paces nervously in the background as a dark demonic type in a cowl performs a scan on the littlest Psycho. Raige and the Dolt burst into the room unannounced, completely surprising the guys, but the dark demonic type manages to squiggle out before being vanquished. "What the hell is going on here?" the Dolt demands, racing over to the crib to check on the sociopath. Raige gets her dander up as well. Big Gay Chris splutters out an explanation that really isn't one until the Dolt grits his teeth and orders Chris out of the Manor. Did I say "the Dolt grits his teeth"? I'm sorry, I meant "Brian Krause somehow manages to peel his lips back to their respective jawlines, terrorizing countless unsuspecting millions in the viewing audience with a visage so horrific that, well into the middle of the week, emergency rooms nationwide were still coping with the gory aftereffects of the manic wave of involuntary self-blindings that followed." Chris, God love him, whatevers and orbs out through the ceiling. The Dolt orders Raige to fetch the Feebs before he orbs his dead-eyed brat up to Whitelighterland for its protection.
Lair Of America's Crotch. We learn that America's Crotch is actually a student at Not!warts, which is ludicrous, because America's Crotch clearly has a few years on La Milano, and yes, it's that obvious, but this show sucks, so whatever. America's Crotch insists she's been hiding not from the Horseman, but rather from someone at Not!warts who's attempting to "invade" her powers in order to use them for himself. Which should be a big fucking clue as to the naughty boy's identity. Hint: It's not Washington, Epstein, or Horshack. "How do I know you're telling the truth?" Phoebe wonders. "You're an empath," America's Crotch duhs. "You tell me." Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band kicks in, but she can't get a read. "It's because you're conflicted," America's Crotch claims. "Questioning your very future. It's affecting your powers." And how does America's Crotch know all of this? Phoebe's wolf projection, which America's Crotch interprets thusly: "The wolf is a pack animal, but constantly searching for something she craves but cannot find. Seeing it means you're searching, too." Whatever, Crotch Girl. She reaches for a ladle, scoops some sort of liquid from a pot bubbling near the open-pit fire, and passes this to Phoebe. "Drink this," she instructs. "Take the Vision Quest. There you will find the answer we both seek." Oooh! Oooh! I know what the answer is! Phoebe's a hot-blooded gambler, hungry for heaven -- she's on the zoom with a shout to the top, but she's got no more words for the lunatic fringe. She's thinking, "I'll fall in love again," because she knows that not only the young can change. She's crazy for you. Am I right? Huh? Am I?