Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Headless, The Sweathogs, And America's Crotch
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.07.2004
A male voice on the far side of the new door cries out, "Help!" Phoebe quickly pushes the Psycho into Raige's arms. Raige orbs up through the ceiling just as a panicky, bespectacled, bald nebbish in black academic robes flings wide the door to pant, "Thank God you're home!" Piper and Phoebe bug their eyes out in his general direction. The clattering of ghostly hooves hits the soundtrack, cuing the nebbish to spin on his heel and shriek as a rapidly materializing, saber-wielding Headless Horseman glows into view behind him. The Horseman swings his blade around, and, as it will during each beheading this evening, the camera cuts away at the last possible second for a round of agog reaction shots from the witnesses present, in this case Piper and the Feebs. The shot cuts back to record the nebbish's body dropping out of the frame as the Horseman dematerializes and the door slams shut of its own accord. "What the hell was that?" Piper gasps. She's clearly not as familiar with her American folklore as little Saury here. And she's supposed to be the smart one. Pity. In any event, the nebbish's head, resting on a lower stair with its glasses askew, confirms that the apparition was, indeed, the legendary killer of a guy that was a teacher for his head that they sewed on for him when he went to the hospital so he could get married to a beautiful lady and then live happily ever after. Piper rolls her eyes while Phoebe yodels her way into the opening credits.
The Opening Travelogue features a high-strung testicle who insists I have a taste for danger. Cram it sideways, dink. The Travelogue, by the way, includes an overhead shot of Lombard Street, which, believe it or not, is a first for this show. What took them so long, you ask? Who the hell cares at this point? That's all I'm saying. Over in the Manor's main hall, Piper whisks a vase off the entrance table so Phoebe might delicately place the nebbish's head on the embroidered runner. "You're very kind," the nebbish offers. Piper looks like she wants to crack the vase open on the nebbish's skull, and I, for one, don't blame her. "How are you still talking?" Phoebe stammers. "Fortunately, the rest of me is still at Magic School," the head explains. Piper's eyebrows loft heavenwards as she hoots, "I'm sorry -- Magic School?" "Yes!" comes the chipper reply. "As I was saying, as long as my body remains on-grounds, I can't, well, you know, die. All part of the magic, thankfully." "Like the doorway in the middle of my stairway," Piper sneers. Heady Bizarre apologizes, claiming he didn't know where else to put it. The portal is "the only way in or out of the school," and Heady Bizarre needs to escort them back to the campus posthaste, before the Horseman strikes again. I suppose I should comment on the headless effects here, but you know what? They're ripping off those fucking Harry Potter movies again with this Not!warts bullshit; therefore, this episode blows, this show sucks, and I want to die. Suffice to say, while the effects are well executed for a series of this caliber, I've a sneaking suspicion the effects team is just showing off. I also get the feeling an obscene amount of cash was thrown at tonight's festivities just because the people in charge had the money to burn, and for that, the entire production staff can drop fucking dead.
Piper grumbles as Raige orbs into the hallway with the Dolt. Raige spots Heady Bizarre on the table and makes stupid noises as she and the Dolt wander around into Heady's line of vision. Heady greets the Dolt warmly, expositing that "Gideon" sent him to the Manor to enlist the aid of the morons within. Piper, who's been pressing the vase against her stomach this entire time to disguise the fact that Holly Marie Combs is, by now, two hundred and thirty-four months pregnant, grunts, "All the people with legs, follow me." She leads the Manor Morons down the hall for a processing summit, snidely noting that "this is what's keeping [the Psycho] from developing social skills." "And me from helping [Buttfuck]," Raige adds. "And me from helping...me," Phoebe finishes lamely. Self-centered goat. The Dolt scoffs. "I'm talking about our lives," Piper shrews. "We can't just drop what we're doing every time somebody's head comes rolling down the stairs." Yes, you can, you harpy, because it's your fucking job. God! The Dolt yammers, "This isn't supposed to happen. [Not!warts] is supposed to be protected from evil -- it's the only way Gideon can teach magic to the next generation. [Our Psycho's] generation." Piper opines that the littlest Psycho is far more interested in learning establishments of the mortal sort. "Are you sure?" the Dolt snorts. "[Raige] said he orbed back in front of the door. He was drawn to it." Piper shoots Raige a withering glare. Raige mugs by way of reply. Phoebe reminds them all that they can't leave Heady Bizarre on the foyer table as if he were a centerpiece. Piper growls some more, but she agrees to accompany them all back to Not!warts. However, the littlest Psycho must remain in the Manor. The Dolt immediately volunteers Big Gay Chris for babysitting duty. "After everything he's done?" Piper yowls in disagreement. "I don't think so!" "He was just trying to protect [the Psycho]," shrugs the Dolt. "Oh, please," Raige eyerolls, like, since when does she hate the big gay one? Oh, right: Since that episode I've already forgotten about, despite its glorious inclusion of a naked Mexican. The Dolt insists Big Chris deserves another chance. The gals glance at each other uneasily, but knock it off with the bitching for the moment to deal with the Heady at hand.