Episode Report Card Erin: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Two's Company, Three's a Crowd
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.25.2003
Real Captain Coma wakes with a start. Unfortunately -- or, you know, maybe not, as the case may be -- it's not Syd by his bed, but Killjoy. She's all, you're okay, baby. By the way, do you remember me? Yeah. Because it's all about you, Borin' Lauren. God. How 'bout asking if he wants some ice chips? Or morphine? Or SYDNEY? "Do you remember me?" Shut the fuck up, Killjoy. Say no, Vaughn! Say NO! Here's your chance! Dammit. He doesn't go for it. And his highly insensitive and possibly stupid wife just lays her head down on his chest, roughly around the spot WHERE HE WAS PREVIOUSLY BLEEDING INTERNALLY. God. GOD.
Oops Center. Syd's rushing off to see the newly wakened Vaughn. Marshall scampers up and wants her to tell him about the healing properties of magnets. Oh, Marshall. You're so…so…kooky and karefree! And shut up before I put the healing power of magnets up your ass. Agent Sean walks up and tells Syd that Sloane's been nabbed and he's asking to talk to her. Marshall's all, hey, let's not tell Sloane about the magnets, huh? Agent Sean looks at him as if he has a baby rhino growing out of the left side of his skull.
Random Interrogation Room of No Importance. Sloane sits there, looking rather small, actually. And old. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Ron Rifkin! Applause. Applause. Syd enters and wants to know what she missed. About three seconds of stellar non-acting, Syd. She wants to know if Sloane escaped. Nope, he says. That nice man Bomani let me go. Syd thinks this is about as likely as Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas actually remaining a couple past February 5th, 2004, and she snidely asks Sloane what he offered Bomani. Sloane's all, I gave him info, right? My contacts within the Japanese mob, the Yakuza or whatever, well, they just happened to have created the first AI computer virus. It does all sorts of whack-ass shit to computer systems, including writing itself and creating sub-viruses. Wanna crash markets? Destroy banks? Shut down transportation? Just give the Yakuza a call and a billion gagillion tragillion dollars, and their virus will handle it for you.
Syd's all, um, you just gave this info to the dude who's working with the Covenant? Sloane's all, that's right, sweetheart. And now I'm giving it to you so that you can go and disable the damn thing before he gets his hands on it. And I mean disable it, not destroy it, kiddo. Because if Bomani gets to that virus and it's been destroyed, my ass is grass, right? "My life is in your hands," he finishes. Syd just smirks. Killjoy's all, you told Bomani you'd work for the Covenant? Sloane's all, yeah, your point? "I'm telling you that I'm in a position to be a double agent," he says, clearly enjoying this. "Working with the Covenant, but loyal to the CIA." Hee. He puts hand gestures in there and everything. He's having a blast right now.
"This is classic," sneers Syd. Sloane's all, oh, don't take my word for it, honey. Have Marshall analyze the video he's taking of me right now. Then he leans forward and we switch to GAAAAH GAAAAH! Some heat-sensitive screen with Scary Evil Green and Blue Sloane on it! Ew! And the lie detector thingy is making his voice all metallic. EEEEEE! Wow. That's just. Ick. Don't EVER do that to me again, okay? I am seriously skeeved out right now. Thankfully, Marshall puts an end to my pain by pausing the Scary Evil Green and Blue Sloane video. Sloane's not lying, according to Marshall. No way to fool the machines, either. Killjoy and the NSC want to accept Sloane's proposal. Syd thinks they shouldn't. Oh, whatever. They SO accept the proposal, right? Because it's the ONLY way Sloane's not a wuss for the rest of the season. I mean, Killjoy and Syd fight and bicker, again, some more, about the whole thing, and they both have valid points, but who gives a shit? Sloane's a double agent, okay? Can we move on now? And I believe I ordered some shirtless men? Hello?