Episode Report Card Erin: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Two's Company, Three's a Crowd
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.25.2003
Soymoan goes to enter his password and asks German Spy Daddy to look away as he does so. German Spy Daddy easily complies, knowing how damned futile it is of Soymoan to even ask. Soymoan enters his password, and as the funds are passed to his account, his cell phone rings. He picks up, apologizing to German Spy Daddy. It's Chavez on the other line. He's all, you're being set up, homes! The man standing before you? Yeah. He's Jack Bristow. Of the CI-fuckin'-A! Soymoan looks at German Spy Daddy. German Spy Daddy just looks back at him, smiling benignly. Oh, but Chavez y Chavez is on a roll. He's all, and, dude? His daughter? Sydney Bristow? Also goes by an alias: Julia Thorne. Okay. I'd just like to state for the record that Syd's Lost Years alias has NEVER been accompanied by a last name. Where in the FUCK did "Thorne" come from, eh? If it came from Sark, well, then, I'd believe that. Really. I would. But if it didn't? If the supposed "CIA" knew that and have just been keeping it from us, the viewing public? Well, then, that's just fucked up sideways, okay?
Soymoan's all, oh, great, mate! Thanks for that info! I'm sure Mr. German Spy Daddy'll appreciate that! Jack's all, appreciate what, exactly? Soymoan's all, oh, well, nothing you need to worry about, mate. The team's been assembled. As soon as the money's transferred, we'll be in business! Soymoan, prepared as he is with this new Sydulia intel, decides to fuck with her daddy. He's all, oy! You never tol' me how YOU met Julia! Were you like, lovers, or somefin'? Jack's all, um, not exactly. Soymoan, perfectly aware of what he's doing, goes, "I ask if you're lovers because, if you ever get the chance, I highly recommend it."
"Oh, do you?" asks Jack. "Oh, yeah," says Soymoan, unwisely. "On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most degenerate displays of theatre known to man…oh! Julia's like…a 17." Soymoan's computer beeps. "You have your money," says Jack brightly. Jack removes the computer and puts it under his arm, extending his hand to Soymoan. Soymoan tells him that, as soon as the job's done, they'll be in contact. Jack smiles and turns away. Soymoan turns away as well, and unbuttons his coat, revealing a gun. Soymoan pulls it out and turns, ostensibly to shoot Jack. Unfortunately -- or fortunately, if that's the way you're thinking -- Jack's WAY ahead of him and shoots him down.
Soymoan's spitting blood and grunting, "You shot me. You shot me, you bastard!" Jack walks over, dumping his laptop onto the table. "Listen to me, very closely," he says. "Right now, I'm the only one who can get you to a hospital in time. Tell me about Julia. Where you met her -- how you knew her." Soymoan, leaking blood all over the nice floor, just gasps, "I wasn't kidding, about screwing your daughter. She's the wildest girl I ever had." Jack just says, "Tell me about Julia, if you want to live." Soymoan's not playing nice. "You wanna know how she likes it? She --" We don't get to find out how she likes it, because Jack shoots Soymoan dead. Oops. Guess we're not gonna find out much about "Julia" from a dead Soymoan, are we?