Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Rebitched
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.22.2005
P3, and hello, asinine speed dating montage I do not have to recap in any real detail whatsoever! Various chronically mismatched couples natter away at the tables while a couple of abject douchebags toss insipid and clichéd pick-up lines in Raige's general direction. Piper looks on approvingly, for she is an asshole this evening. Eventually, an Australian male model nearly ten years Rose McGowan's junior sits across from Raige, and flirting ensues. This will become important later. The flirting, not the age difference, nor the male model's nation of origin. Just so you're clear on that point. Meanwhile, over at the bar, a reporter from No. Magazine arrives to schedule an interview with Glamour Piper for reasons about which I could not care less, right before Piper's cell phone rings. We hear only Piper's side of the conversation, which goes something like this: "Hello? [Pause.] [Retard] did what?!" Heh. Next thing we know, Piper's dragging Raige into a heated conference at one side of the dance floor. Raige, on the verge of getting some for the first time in months, flatly refuses to return to the Manor and jerks around to return to her seat. Piper rolls her eyes and growls, but she does allow herself a small smile when she notes how well her bastard of a half-sister's speed date seems to be going. Just as Piper heads out of the frame, the camera cuts back to the bar to take in Agent Murphy's scary near-mini-mullet for a second before turns his head to eye Glamour Piper as she exits the club. Tense strings thrum on the soundtrack for some reason, but tense strings alone do not a DUN! make, no matter what this stupid show would have you believe.
Manor. Vex ambles aimlessly through the front hall as the sounds of a screaming bitchfest reach his ears from the nonexistent attic far above his head. Heh. Glamour Piper arrives through the front door, meets Vex Pexter for the very first time, and quietly excuses herself upstairs to deal with the howling catfight currently in progress. Glamour Dolt then wanders in from the kitchen with New And Supposedly Improved Tiny Gay Chris to wonder, "Who are you?" "Ummmm," Vex offers by way of response.
Nonexistent Attic. In the screechy caterwauling that follows, Phoebe and Piper rip The Retarded Bimbo a new one for deploying a spell to such disastrous result, much as one would expect them to do. Despite a couple of amusing moments from Milano and Combs -- particularly from the latter, when Piper makes note of Phoebe's enormous diamond wedding ring -- nothing progresses until The Retard blurts out in her own defense, "[Phoebe] was supposed to get married anyways, right?" "Normally, not magically!" Phoebe shrieks from her frilly perch on Aunt Pearl's sofa. Among other things, The Retard demands, "How do you know?", which shuts Phoebe up and sets her to pondering. The argument continues to rage between Piper and The Retard until Phoebe interjects with, "Maybe she's right." Piper and The Retard whip their heads around at her for an instant before The Retard shoots Piper a "Told you so!" grimace. Piper glares, clearly mere seconds away from unleashing the Mighty Hands Of Discontent on The Retarded Bimbo's oddly proportioned ass, before Phoebe continues, "I mean, maybe this is how it was supposed to happen -- how else would you explain me and [Vex] getting married so quickly?" A six-month time jump, hag. See above. "I'm confused," Piper grunts. "Are we mad at [The Retard] or not?" "We're not," Phoebe quietly allows. The Retard jogs a quick victory lap around the nonexistent room, like, SHUT UP, BIMBO, before blathering on and on about innocents and the imp demons and The Imp Master and wah. Piper and Phoebe tell her to can it. The Glamoured Glamorous Idiots simply cannot risk exposure at this point in time. As opposed to all of the other times when they could risk it, I suppose. Whatever.
Meanwhile, over on the Paramount backlot, Antosis tricks another innocent -- this one a nurse, I believe -- into entering a Dank And Forbidding Alleyway Of Doom. Antosis waits to deploy the flying monkeys until after the nurse has disappeared around the corner, because the show's dramatically reduced budget can't cover another attack, and so the hapless nurse dies her bloody death offscreen. Nurse-slicing complete, the bitty little flying monkeys swarm back out into the street, where they merge with the body of The Imp Master, who'd been hiding this entire time in a deep, dark doorway. The demons sneer something sinister and desperately unimportant at one another before vanishing into the next commercial break.