Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Rebitched
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.22.2005
In a car out on the street, the eyes attached to a ginormous cleft chin peer -- through a pair of binoculars -- at The Retard leading Hogzilla down Union Street in the direction of The California Pacific Memorial Medical Center Davies Campus HOSPITAL. The binoculars lower, and Cleft Man is revealed to be the Homeland Security department's Agent Murphy, who, as you'll recall, was left behind in San Francisco during the season premiere to monitor possible Halliwell-related paranormal activity. He's far more attractive than I remember him being, but then again, I've been forced through four episodes in a row in which the only available eye candy has been Vex Pexter and the Dolt, which no, and NEVER, and so Agent Murphy's looking pretty goddamned good to yours truly at the moment, despite that gargantuan crevice in his massive lantern jaw. After staring at The Retarded Bimbo's retreating form for a long minute, Murphy's ginormous cleft chin pokes itself into the opening credits.
Fade up on the Manor's nighttime façade. Up in the Bridal Boudoir, Piper applies lip liner in front of the mirror above her dresser while nattering something at The Lippy Spastic about their asinine shared subplot for the evening. It involves a "speed dating" session at the once-again-failing P3, and so I'll be ignoring all of it unless and until something of import pops up as a result. Which, you know, just to give you fair warning, won't happen until Raige decides to hook up with one of the so-called "desperate" losers at the event. Oh, crap. Forgot about this part: When Raige continues to protest Piper "pimping [Raige] out," Piper tartly replies, "What, do you want to be homeless? Because that's what's gonna happen if we lose our only source of income." So either Phoebe's donating her time at All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, or the selfish hag's been blowing her entire salary on $250 haircuts and Crate & Barrel candle binges, or the bitch simply isn't contributing to the Manor's general fund, and whatever it is, I hate her.
The Dolt enters at this point with New And Supposedly Improved Tiny Gay Chris, who's rather adorably clad in a bright red bedtime romper. The Dolt passes through the boudoir into The Former Patricia Campbell Hearst Commemorative Child-Care Nook in search of "baby Tylenol" just so the effects department can show off a little bit by having his glamoured self pass with the infant between Glamour Piper and Glamour Raige in an into-the-mirror shot while the trio's regular selves remain in the foreground of the frame. It comes across as well-done, if only because it passes so quickly that the audience has no time to notice any possible mistakes. After expositing that The Psycho's over at Grandpa's for the evening, the Dolt passes back into the hallway so Phoebe can jiggle in and play around in front of the looking glass while announcing to all and sundry that she's ovulating at the moment and so intends to trick Vex Pexter into impregnating her during an impromptu trip that evening to Napa, and gross, and I never needed to know about the current condition of your ovaries ever, hag, and HATE. As Phoebe disappears into The Former Patricia Campbell Hearst Commemorative Child-Care Nook to swipe some of Piper's luggage for the impregnation, Raige delicately reminds Phoebe that the latter's much-despised elevator premonition involved Phoebe marrying Vex, not deliberately misleading him in order to get herself knocked up. "One step at a time!" Phoebe blares from the depths of the closet. Holly Marie Combs amusingly bugs Piper's eyes out in horror and disbelief at this. Hee. After Phoebe obliviously crosses out of the room with an overnight bag, Raige sighs, "Is that what we've been reduced to? Loveless sex? Pimping?" "Yes," Piper deadpans. Heh.
At that moment, The Retarded Bimbo appears in the hallway from the nonexistent attic above. Piper leaps to her feet to invite The Retard into her asinine speed dating subplot that I don't care about, so I'll skip ahead to the point where The Retard lies about that afternoon's events to note that, when Raige wonders how everything went, The Retard lies about that afternoon's events. What? Shut it. These idiots need to stop with the incessant babbling all the time and start kicking some ass again, or they're going to watch their ratings disintegrate even further than those numbers already have this season. In any event, The Retard too-eagerly volunteers to head downstairs to answer the conveniently ringing doorbell, and as she passes The Prue Halliwell Memorial Bimbo Boudoir Of Paisley Tit Slings And Other Fashion Atrocities, currently occupied by Phoebe, she pauses to examine the bandage she's placed on her flying-monkey-inflicted injury from the pre-credits sequence. The suspicious Feebs, having witnessed this from the shadows of her room, calls out, "Uhhh, [Raige]?"