Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Rebitched
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.22.2005
Manor. Up on the second floor, Phoebe and Piper emerge from Phoebe's version of Prue Memorial to pedebabble about Vex. Phoebe's changed out of her wedding gown, by the way, and is now in some sort of low-cut, shapeless, cranberry-colored atrocity that appears to be made of velour. Eeesh. Anyway, by the time the gals reach the main floor, Phoebe's decided to see her bizarre marriage through, or something. Just then, they hear a series of manly hoots and yodels coming from the sun porch, where the Dolt, still cuddling New And Supposedly Improved Tiny Gay Chris, is watching a football game with Vex. Tiny Gay Chris is staring at his new Uncle Vex, all, "Ohmigod, would you please do something about your awful, evil hair already, you tedious fuckwit?" And speaking of Uncle Vex, here, I suppose I should remind everyone of the fact that the masking spell from the premiere specified that it would "Hide [them] well and thoroughly, / But not from those [they] call family." Given that, Vex is not now able to see these people for whom they really are...why, exactly? Oh, that's right: Because this show sucks, and it should have been cancelled last May, and why didn't they cancel it last May, and I want to die. The brief scene that follows between the gals and the boys exists solely to establish that Phoebe knows absolutely nothing about her new husband -- specifically, that he played football in college, but Alyssa Milano does have a nice little moment wherein she makes it clear that her character's lack of insight into her new mate goes far beyond that. Piper takes her leave to head back to her asinine subplot for the evening, but not before dragging the Dolt out into the foyer to warn him to give Phoebe and Vex as much space as they need to work things out. The Dolt, you see, had instantly developed a disturbingly amusing boycrush on Vex when he learned of the latter's supposed prowess on the gridiron, and Piper wants to make sure her alarmingly smitten husband leaves the new brother-in-law alone. Well, that's what I got out of it, at any rate. Heh.
Back on the sun porch, not only is Phoebe wearing cranberry-colored velour, but she's also accessorized that dreadful gaffe with a pair of mid-calf cowboy boots. In brown. Jackass. What's that? You'd rather know what they're talking about? Well, the hell with you, because he's a terminally boring cipher with no discernable personality, and she's...she's wearing velour, for Christ's sake. Basically, he offers to have the marriage -- about which neither remembers anything -- annulled, but she, citing her belief that everything happens for a reason, convinces him to stick with it for a bit. Scene.
P3, and funny moment alert! I thought you should know in advance so you don't keel over in shock when it finally arrives. Down in the vacant club office, Raige and Slampiece Jailbait bang through the door, locked at the lips and ripping at each other's clothes. He hoists her up onto the desk -- and I'd protest the impending bout of vile desk sex on Piper's behalf were she not known for doing the same damn thing herself -- and the two go at it until Raige pants, "Okay, wait! I think we should slow this down a little." Slampiece Jailbait exhales before offering, "Why don't you tell me a little bit more about yourself." "Well," Raige begins, "I, uh…oh, screw it," she concludes, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and hauling him forward into another sloppy kiss. Ha! Raige The Slampiece Magnet is far more entertaining than Raige The Lippy Bastard Of A Spastically Directionless Half-Sister, isn't she? Things are going well for Raige until Slampiece Jailbait gasps mid-kiss, "God, you're beautiful, Jo." Raige snaps away from him suddenly at that and, with a sudden look of wistful sadness on her face, gazes at him silently until he wonders what's wrong. Raige slowly slides herself onto her feet to shoot a glance at her glamoured reflection in the mirror on the wall opposite, and in that moment makes a realization about herself that does not seem to bode well for her ongoing masquerade as one of the cousins Bennett. Before we learn exactly what that realization is, however, she apologizes to Slampiece Jailbait for being such a pricktease and assures him he did nothing wrong. He's remarkably polite about the whole situation and simply watches her as she exits the office. And she's just left him alone with God knows how many thousands of dollars' worth of the nightclub receipts. No wonder the damn place is going bankrupt again, you dimwits.