Episode Report Card Chuck: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Naked and the Dead
By Chuck | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.05.2002
White delivers a food tray to Redding; one of the Latinos calls White a "maricon," and Redding promises that White will soon have his revenge, but White claims he's "really, really, really" trying to stay on the straight and narrow. Trying so hard that within seconds he's jumped the name-caller -- as Alvarez walks by looking pleased -- and ends up switching places with Guerra in the cage. White, crestfallen after yet another screw-up, locks eyes with McManus, who looks even more fed up, turns on his heel, and stalks away. But Clarice, people will say we're in love.
Now Hill's riffing on early explorers, who discovered new lands but ended up in the big house. Marco Polo and Christopher Columbus are this monologue's dressed-in-costumes-that-were-stolen-from-a-junior-high-drama-department subjects, men who bravely sailed for new horizons, unsure whether they'd find something interesting or fall off the Earth's edge; apparently, Columbus was also a bit of an embezzler, and later found himself balled-and-chained. I guess Marco Polo also did some mad crimez, but Hill, doing double-screen duty as both intrepid adventurers, doesn't mention what they were. Mail fraud? I'd like to suggest an episode where someone actually wears these costumes around Oz; I'm thinking that much merriment -- and even more nudity -- would ensue.
Bus. Mukada helps Carrie Schillinger feed the baby -- Jewel. As in Richard? All she wants is a little support so her baby girl can have a happy life. I'm afraid you picked the wrong family, dollface, especially since blood tests have proved Hank's paternity. Mukada asks about Carrie's parents, but they're back in Montana, and don't "give two shits" about their wayward daughter and her ill-begotten spawn. Carrie starts lamenting that Hank played video games all the time and watched Natural Born Killers repeatedly -- now that's original -- and wonders if things might be different had her beloved Hank avoided exposure to the wicked, deadly Oliver Stone. Mukada opines that perhaps other factors -- like his sociopath of a father, perhaps -- contributed to Hank's short and loserly existence. Carrie asks Mukada to bless Jewel and to remove the purse on her head, the purse that killed and imprisoned so many Schillingers. Or maybe she said "curse."
Schillinger, sporting an infirmary gown, is telling Bobbsey-twinned Robson that he's excited to see his granddaughter, as Poet rolls by with some food-esque substance that looks like blood-tinged scrambled eggs. Robson wants to get back to Gen Pop so they can punish Said for shanking them; Schillinger starts talking about the Muslim jihad and maintains that the Aryans kick ass in the war department. Robson flings his meal across the room and then sasses the immediately-present guard, since recuperating inmates can't be sent to the hole, as Schillinger laughs and stuffs his face.