Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Till The Suck Runs Out
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 11 | Aired on 07.08.1999
The dogs huddle together before D'Argo's frame, where he's still bound and unconscious. Rorg scents something new -- "very subtle..." -- and realizes it's Delvian. They laugh. We watch the entirety of Lawrence Of Arabia as Zhaan walks toward them, and they walk toward her, and it's very sandy and there are dunes. Zhaan senses danger, Jacob senses narcolepsy and maybe just a soupcon of hatemail.
John comes in babbling about how D'Argo's been kidnapped by "the bloodhounds," and finally comes to rest in front of Aeryn, winding down slowly as he realizes she's been blinded. Aeryn and Furlow talk about how it's probably just temporary, and she explains about the other bounty hunter. "She caught a solar glare in the face as she was taking him out," Furlow says, which is not exactly the whole story but whatever. John reaches for Aeryn's arm and she jerks it away and is all, "Don't help me, Crichton!" and he gets super intense like they're in the last fifteen minutes of a Very Special Episode about letting other people help you, and it's so stupid. "Stop acting like a bad-ass Peacekeeper," he spits, and she exposits that she's an ex-PK, actually, and he's very sweet about "I know," and Furlow watches this all happen, and it's stupid some more. John takes off and tells Furlow to get her ass moving on the module. Aeryn leans back against the module, staring into space, and I do feel bad for her, but not because she's blind.
D'Argo wakes and bursts his bonds, alone in the warehouse. Elsewhere, Zhaan is being freaking incredible. She sees the dogs approaching and crouches down in the sand, blue against the white sands, and moves her hands over her head and down, dropping a shimmer across herself; the dogs sniff the air, having lost her subtle scent. She's being so unexpected this week. The dogs growl, and a flare lights up the screen. "Ahh, help me. This is hardly the time..." Zhaan smiles and falls back, against the sand. Beautiful, and terribly alien. Even her orgasms are solipsistic and self-consciously transcendent. I'm not knockin', I'm just saying no wonder it creeps Rygel out: you won't fuck John but you'll fuck the SUN? I don't know which is sicker.
John comes into the warehouse with D'Argo's Qualta; D'Argo's seemingly unconscious, strapped to the stupid dog device. "Rolf? Rorg? Let's go," John Dogs. He whistles like a smartass and then grins hugely at D'Argo's body. "Ha! Some days you get lucky. D'Argo, wake up." Instant boot to the face, causing John to stagger back and drop the blade. "You brought it. Good! Now I can start working on your sensitive appendages." Don't touch the sensitive appendages. John's feeling that too and runs away, whining that they don't have time for this. What follows is an endless discussion lacking subtlety or believable emotion, regarding: how (a) John tortured D'Argo, except (b) he didn't, except (a) he did, except (c) why is D'Argo there in the first place, and (d) all John wanted to do was go home, and note the (e) lack of arm-cutting-off that fucking entailed, and (f) John's always covering for D'Argo's ass and covering for his family secrets, because they have this (g) great romance or something but they (h) hate each other and now (i) D'Argo is going to kill John because (a) he tortured D'Argo. It's like reading text messages between mainstreamed teenagers and it goes on forever. Or was it because (j) John looks like a PK, which (k) the fuck?, not to mention (l) D'Argo always has to be the ALPHA MALE with the BIG SHOT BIG BRITCHES but it's okay because (m) they are both selfish and (n) childish but (o) John never tried to kill D'Argo with a weapon or his bare hands, v. (p) D'Argo doing that constantly. But what if (q) that means they can never be friends because (r) something or (s) whatever, and then they shake hands. Not kidding. So now they're friends. At least they didn't call each other sluts and whores like the last time they let Little Billy Keane write a scene. "Warriors on Earth did this to show that they weren't holding weapons," explains John, and then the only awesome thing: D'Argo raises his Qualta with his right hand, passes it right up in John's grill, then transfers to his left and shakes John's hand. Advantage D'Argo.