Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Till The Suck Runs Out
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 11 | Aired on 07.08.1999
Nice of them to let an idiot write the actual episode after they broke it. "Oh, those jokes we were talking about for the last week...you just kinda wrote them as-is, didya? None of that bullshit layering or subtlety." Fuck yeah! "Cool. I mean, usually we go ahead and let the subtext talk for itself, and try to work around the whole 'actually explaining every goddamn thing' issue, but...this is nice, too." Fuck yeah! "Oh, I see you've actually used the phrase 'alpha dog' in this script. Like a -- oh! -- like a hundred times! That's really...awesome!" Fuck yeah! "I need a margarita. You?" Fuck yeah! "Oh, says here you wrote 'A Bug's Life," and some episodes of Pacific Blue, so that's not...awful, or anything." Fuck yeah!
"... Oh, and and 'Jeremiah Crichton,' you wrote. You actually wrote this, and 'Jeremiah Crichton,' on a goddamn piece of paper. And somebody put it up on the screen. That's fucking...do you realize I put three kids through college on a sitcom writer salary? Do you understand what I'm fucking saying when I say that? Come a little fucking closer because I want to make sure you know what I'm fucking talking about when I say that I am going to fuck you up. 'Actual fucking dog people' right up my goddamn Methodist bitch-killing ass. Come closer, I dare you. That's me using sarcasm, by the way. Like when I say 'This episode doesn't make me want to kill not only myself, but also all the dogs, and all the aliens I encounter from now until eternity.'"
The Vorcarian Blood Tracker (Yeah) Rolf (Yeah) approaches with his gun at the ready. "You! Get away from there!" John asks Aeryn what the hell this is about, and as the female Vorcarian approaches, Aeryn admits she has no idea, but to let her handle it. "Who are you?" Rolf growls. "Have you come in search of the fugitives?" Aeryn tells him they're just visiting, with no mercenary aims. Rolf growls that she's lying. "No," she says. You'd have to know her to know that she's irritated by them. "We're just curious about this beacon here." Rolf asks John if Aeryn is "his female," and looks her up and down. "I'm no one's female!" she grits, hard. Hell yeah. Rolf nods to Rorg (...Yeah), who slams her gun down and attacks Aeryn. "Not your female? Then you won't miss her," sleazes Rolf. Dog people. They're people, but also kinda like dogs. Get it?
But John kinda gets it; he circles Rolf even as Rorg has Aeryn pinned, snarling. John grabs his goggles and gets in Rolf's face: "Back off! Get that weapon outta my face before I feed it to ya!" Rolf responds cautiously and backs off. "Now you tell your bitch to let my female go." Rolf asks if, then, Aeryn really is John's mate. "One of 'em," says John, giving good rage. Rolf grins appreciatively. "Now turn her loose!" Rolf gives the nod and Rorg rolls off, Aeryn pushing her away and staring at John, who's off on a thing: "You! Keep your damn mouth shut unless I tell you to speak!" Still not getting it, Aeryn keeps quiet and more than a little wowed by this bullshit he's perpetrating. The Vorcarians watch her closely. "Hey!" John yells, all eyes-on-me. "Now who are you? And what do you want with the fugitives?" Rolf explains that they're Vorcarian Blood Trackers -- "The best" -- and John corrects him: "Second best."