Episode Report Card Erin: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT "André"? Seriously? That's the best you could do?
By Erin | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.28.2005
Somewhere in Italy. Vaughn and Syd pull up on the Disney back lot and park the car. Syd says they're early and then they sit there in silence for a minute, ignoring the rather large elephant in the room. Finally, Syd can't stand it anymore, so she brings it up: the baby. And, you know, I totally don't believe those "Garner got Vaughn kicked off the show" rumors at all because, look, if you and your ex broke up and you had to see them around the office every day and then they got married and were going to have a baby and you had to hear all about it everywhere you went, wouldn't YOU want to get the hell out of that job? I mean, I worked with my last two boyfriends and one of them is married (to a crazy lady) and the other one is getting married (good luck to her -- he's the crazy one) and I can tell you right now, my ass would be so far gone from that job if we still worked together. And we didn't even have to kiss and pretend to be a couple. A couple expecting a baby. All I'm saying is, if the dude wanted off the show, I'd totally understand. Regardless if that was the reason or not. (Or maybe he just thought it was gonna suck this season and got out while he could. Heh. Maybe that's it. More Tahitian swamp water with a dash of tarantula eye juice? Why, yes. Thank you. Don't mind if I do.)
Syd asks Vaughn how he feels. Vaughn asks her if she wants the truth and she says she does. He starts off saying that he didn't think this was what he wanted, that bringing a baby into this world, into their world, with all the crazy shit they do, it's probably not the best idea. He wanted to be settled and safe before they had a baby. Syd takes this in and looks out the window, all, yeah, uh-huh, I totally agree. Except for how I don't. But then Vaughn says something about how he looks at her and all he can think about is what their kid will look like and how he can't wait to meet this new little person and, basically, he smiles his beautiful smile and they both decide to keep little Cletus Cheeto Federboob the Third. There is only one word to describe this entire scene: Awkward.
Leeman shows up and Vaughn kisses Syd and tells her to start thinking of names. I'd go with Michael André Vaughn Michaux the Second if I were her, since her honey's about to be deader than a doornail and that would be a nice way to honor him. ["I'll throw my hat in the ring with 'Plot D. Vice.'" -- Sars] Vaughn gets out of the car and goes to meet Leeman. Syd stays where she is. Vaughn hands Leeman the book and asks if he can decode it. Leeman says he can, but it'll take awhile. When he's done, he'll contact Vaughn. At that moment, a bunch of black cars come screeching up and…um, run? Anyone? Bueller? They just stand there like a couple of morons. Gordo gets out of one of the cars and moves toward them as a couple of other cars screech up. NOW Leeman finally decides to run, but it's too late and Gordo shoots him dead. Vaughn just…stands there. Then DMG gets out of another car as some henchman shoots the already downed Leeman about seven times in the back. Um, dude? I hate to break this to you, but he's not GOING ANYWHERE. Syd's running toward Vaughn as DMG lifts his machine gun and shoots Vaughn, point-blank, what appears to be fifty thousand times. There's blood and everything coming out of Vaughn's chest. Gordo reaches over and takes the Prophet Five book from beneath Leeman's body and then everyone gets into their cars and leaves. P.S. In the future, Prophet Five Bad Guys, I'd suggest you try to make these deaths seem a bit more…natural? Gunning people down in broad daylight isn't really the best way to keep your shit secret, you know.
Syd runs over to Vaughn and, I shit you not, he's still alive. Leeman got shot seven times in the back and the dude's deader than a doornail. Vaughn got shot a bajillion times in the chest and…he lives? The hell? Syd scrambles to help him, and I keep thinking I'm going to see a bulletproof vest in there somewhere but…no. Oh, and if you really want someone dead, Prophet Five Bad Guys, might I suggest, I don't know, maybe a DIRECT HIT TO THE HEAD? That's what makes me think they set this all up to look like a real hit that's actually fake. I mean, come on, Jack shot Irina IN THE HEAD and they still managed to bring her back. This is just too fucked up for words. In more than one sense.