Episode Report Card Demian: C | 241 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Chris Of The Spider Woman
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 18 | Aired on 2004.04.18
The Lair Of The Chris Of The Spider Woman. Chris has trussed up the Dolt in a gigantic spider web. The Dolt, undeterred, decides to goad Chris into attacking him. "Tell me why you hate me so much, Chris. Huh? What did I do to become such a bad dad?" "It doesn't matter anymore," Chris claims, but the Dolt won't relent. "The hell it doesn't," he sneers. "Deep down, you hate my guts -- admit it." Well, I sure as hell will if my husband won't. "Did I miss a school play?" the Dolt continues as Chris menaces ever closer. "Did I take away your favorite toy? Did I play favorites with [the Psycho]?" Apparently so, for Chris bares his fangs at this last, snatches the Dolt up by his shirt, and hurls him across the chamber into a wall of stone. The Dolt hits hard before snipering to the ground. Chris flies across the room to toss the Dolt back up against the wall so he can commence with the smackdown. Hooray! Chris jabs his fists into the Dolt's mighty gut a couple of times before slamming his father into the floor once more. The Dolt grunts.
Outside, Fetal Gay Chris boots his mom in her kidneys. This somehow leads to the realization that if Piper takes the antidote herself, it'll cure Chris Of The Spider Woman, due to the fact that whatever happens to his fetal self affects him as well. Piper snatches the vial out of Phoebe's hand and drains it.
Meanwhile, Chris Of The Spider Woman screams, "You don't know me!" over and over again while repeatedly punching the Dolt in the face. This is beautiful, man. As the antidote takes effect in Piper's uterus outside, Chris Of The Spider Woman glows white and morphs back into Big Gay Chris. In an absolutely awesome bit of business, Big Gay Chris pauses long enough to note that his Glamour-Length Press-On Nails have disappeared, then resumes beating the worthless Dolt until the worthless Dolt bleeds. Hee. Hooray! Chris lands ten more punches with the Foley editors going batshit on the soundtrack until Piper enters the chamber through the now-open entryway to drag my husband off of her ex. "Look at me!" she cries. "It's okay! It's over." Chris, gasping for air, eyes his bloodied father on the cave floor for a moment before stalking out past his aunts into the park. The Glamorous Ladies exchange Looks Fraught With Concern as the Dolt drops his bloodied head to the dirt and the shot cross-fades to the closing travelogue.
Eventually, we land at Not!warts, where the miraculously healed Dolt's dropping off Piper and the Psycho for an extended stay. The Psycho's standing on his own, by the way. He also has a mullet. Evil! Piper and the Dolt hold the Psycho's hands while they chat, and I have to admit, they look pretty cute doing so. The plan, apparently, is for Piper and the Psycho to remain at Not!warts until she goes into labor. Piper urges the Dolt not to give up on Big Gay Chris, then toddles out of the Not-So-Great Room with the Psycho as Gideon arrives for boring! The Dolt orbs out. Gideon twiddles his moustache. I'm seriously going to start calling him Snidely Whiplash.