Episode Report Card 1 USERS: B+ YOU GRADE IT Misfortune
By Chuck | Season 5 | Episode 5 | Aired on 02.02.2002
But that trauma doesn't keep Slowmar from singing a song that sounds nothing like "Swing Low Sweet Chariot," unless this is the mythical lost verse about hand-holding fun in the sun. Reggie the Drug Dealer, using a mop and bucket in a cunning undercover move, comes a-knocking, and tells Slowmar that he sings "like shit," although I think Slowmar's throaty singing is infinitely preferable to his speaking voice. Slowmar makes the handoff; Reggie's face falls as he turns around to see Said approaching, with his somber-ray in full effect. Said throws open the door of Slowmar's practice closet and demands to know what Reggie, "a major drug dealer in Unit C," was doing in Slowmar's room. Not fooled by Slowmar's quick-witted reply about Reggie's fandom, Said closes the door and gets very close to Slowmar's face. Said intimidates Slowmar into admitting that he's selling drugs; when Slowmar makes the distinction between using and selling, Said growls, "Selling drugs is using 'em." Slowmar, fed up with Said's draconian brand of chaperoning and his refusal to conform to the piss-test school of drug use, finally says "fuck you" to the Minister, who, in a you-can't-fire-me-I-quit twist, says "fuck you" to Slowmar before removing his white beanie (here comes trouble) and proceeding to go all Gloria Nathan on Slowmar's deserving ass. Eamonn Walker, of course, uses the entire spectrum of "I'm deranged" signifiers, so it's no surprise at all when we next see him, naked and bloody-knuckled, reclining against a wall in solitary.
McManus arrives, not to apologize for the heavy-handed direction of tonight's episode, but to demand an explanation. Said wonders how a reason will change the fact the he beat Slowmar. "Everything was going so well, why didn't you come to me?" wonders McManus, confirming that he resides in a different universe than the rest of us. Well? I beg to differ. When Said refuses to explain, McManus gets all huffy and tells him to "fucking rot," as he turns around and stomps off with his dump truck and shovel. As soon as the door closes, Said's face becomes possessed and moves in about seventeen different ways simultaneously, as he moans and cries to his maker before doing a slow interpretive pain dance that culminates with his mahogany frame curled like a fetus on the floor, as Slowmar's whiny voice tries to tell an unbelieving McManus that Said beat him for no reason at all.
Slowmar, blood-crusted and looking like hell but fully mobile, takes about seven hundred words to tell McManus that he'll be honest: he was selling drugs out of his practice room, and Said caught him. Slowmar swears he's clean and that he's only selling dope because he was threatened. McManus wants to know who Slowmar's working for (gee, Tim, I wonder. Who on earth could it be?), and blows a gasket when Slowmar won't spill. I discover that I'm really tired of hearing people yell at each other, which is all this episode has yet to offer. After some more yelling, "I've Got A Soft Spot And A Hard-On For Omar" McManus tells Slowmar that the practice room is history and that if Slowmar's "piss shows even a hint of aspirin," he gets to have some toast. Or something like that.