Episode Report Card Jessica: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Everything Put Together Falls Apart
By Jessica | Season 6 | Episode 9 | Aired on 11.19.2002
The Movie Where I Kill Myself If This Movie Plot Drags On Much Longer. Tag lies in a pool of blood on the dance floor. "Promise me one thing," he breathes. "Keep on dancing." Then he dies. Hee. I mean, that was supposed to be funny, right? "Nooooooooooo!" Natasha wails over his lifeless body. "And cut!" Todd yells. "That was beautiful. That's a wrap on [Tag]." Everyone claps Tag on the back and shakes his manly hand. Tag gives Natasha a cozy little kiss, then comes down to Todd and Dawson. "Thanks, mate, you did a fabulous job," Todd tells him. "I know," Tag says modestly. Dawson sulks as Todd and Tag walk away. Natasha slinks up to him and basically wraps herself around his leg. "Hey, so aren't you going to say anything about my performance?" she asks. Dawson weakly comments that she's great. "You're a real actress, Natasha," he tells her. She's also real dumb, because she totally doesn't get the barely subtextual subtext and twitters that Tag is "amazing." Dawson blandly agrees. Then Natasha blows him off to go get drinks with the Amazing Tag, promising to come by his room when they're done. She runs off. Stare. Flare. Glare.
Party Of Oh My God, I Think I'm About To Become Totally Nonsensical Again. Pacey and Emma stand by the free food, and Pacey rips off Big by eating an ear of baby corn kernel by kernel. Emma can't believe he's eating it like that. Pacey says he's doing it for comic effect. Emma says it isn't working. I wipe six months' worth of magazines, three candles, two spoons, a half-empty can of Diet Coke, and two action figures off my coffee table and start screaming. I can't take this show anymore! No one cares about Pacey and goddamned Emma! No one! No one cares about Pacey's fucking job! The combination of these two plots has served to push me over the edge entirely! I can't take it anymore! It's not even offensive! It's just utterly boring! C-SPAN is more engaging! I hate all of these characters! I hate everyone! I hate myself! God, why? WHY? WHHHHHHHY? "Dude," the Mulder action figure mutters from the ground. "Crap, having terminal nose cancer was more fun than this is," the Scully tells him. And because I can't take their endless yammering anymore, especially when I'm trying to get through what has become the most painfully boring hour of television, like, ever, I snatch both of them up and put them in the freezer. When I get back to the living room, Pacey tells Emma to admit that she's having fun. Emma cops to enjoying the free food. And here comes Bobby Briggs. You know, Dana Ashbrook's Twin Peaks character would have decked his Dawson's Creek character. He compliments her dress. Again. Snidely. In a non-complimentary way. "Oh, I see. You're taking the piss, aren't you?" Emma sneers. "You think my dress is stupid and you're a small-minded jerk who's probably small in other areas as well." Bobby Briggs looks mildly gobsmacked, and Pacey looks horrified. Here's my question: how did Pacey not get fired two weeks ago, when he attacked Bobby Briggs for buying him a whore? Also, could I hate his hair more than I do right now? Probably not. So, Emma continues, calling Bobby Briggs "a dick" and "a schmuck with no imagination." Then she excuses her self to "go to the loo" before she "says something else that Pacey regrets." She stomps off. Pacey looks perturbed. Wow, she's a fun date. Good call, Pace!