Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT I musta killed Spawn!
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.08.2002
The time is 6:51:42:PM. Klockwise from the top left, Nina keeps trying to get through to Kiefer on his cell phone, Spawn watches The Bad Drug Deal go bad, and Palmer continues to speak at his press conference. Soul Patch drops by Nina's desk and finds her checking hospitals for the Kieferettes. Soul Patch assures her that there's someone watching the house and checking out the area around the payphone where Spawn called CTU. "We're doing all we can," says Soul Patch. "Are you?" asks Nina. Ree-ow! Soul Patch smolders there, unable to move, as Nina gets up and storms off again. Where does she go when she storms off, exactly?
The Bad Drug Deal continues on its merry way as Dan'sWeaselFacedBrother puts the jar of caffeine-free ecstasy into a Patagonia forest-green tote and zips it up. But lest you think that the hold-up ends there with DWFB getting the drugs, letting Kenny G and Poor Man's Patricia Arquette go and dashing our expectations of a really bad drug deal with fatal bloody consequences, DWFB starts to play with a gun that's just lying around and decides to torture Kenny G a little. He punches him in the nose. The Gun Buddies and Empress Skankephine Bonaparte find this funny. The word "homey" is used. Kenny G has one more thing to say: "You have the right to remain silent." Kenny and PMPA are DEA agents. Back-up agents rush in with their guns drawn. One of the gun buddies is shot. The entire Frat House from Hell, including Spawn and Rick, is under arrest. For some reason Spawn isn't happy to be under police custody and pleads with the officers that there's some mistake. Aw, don't worry, Spawn. Maybe your friend Todd is pre-law at Stanford and he can get you out someday.
Back at the hotel, Palmer is wrapping up his speech by taking full responsibility for his unknowing role in CrispyShrinkGate. "I ask you to consider that I am not the first elected official to make a mistake in office," says Palmer. He exits the stage, followed by the press. He goes back out through the kitchen entrance -- oh no, not the kitchen again! -- and runs into his son so they can have what seems to be the forty-ninth bonding moment this month. "I love you, Dad." "I love you, son." They hug and walk off arm-in-arm.
Back at Casa Kiefer, Bride of Kiefer is looking at snapshots of Dr. Phil's kids in his wallet. She's never met them, according to Dr. Phil. The teakettle starts to whistle from the other room. That's never a good omen. Dr. Phil gets up to make tea. Bride finds a pink arts-and-crafts project that Spawn made that says MOM in block letters across the top. "She made this for me," says Bride to herself. Yeah, probably last month. Chris comes inside to use the restroom. Jovan Musk for Men comes in to shoot everyone. He mows down Chris and Dr. Phil, but before he kills Bride, he asks her where Spawn is, promising to make her death painless if she cooperates. "I [gasp] don't [gasp] know," bleats Bride. "Fine," says Jovan, getting ready to shoot her. But before he does, Soul Patch -- like, where did he come from? -- enters the kitchen and puts a bullet in Jovan's head. He tells Bride to "step away" from Jovan, but Bride can't step away because she's just remembered that she killed Spawn a couple of hours ago. A split screen reveals a non-dead Spawn being hauled out of The Frat House of Bad Life Decisions by a DEA officer. Palmer is shown hugging Li'l Lisa while Lady Mac watches with a look of death on her face. The sun goes down in Saugus. Kiefer and Xander see a helicopter approach the wildlife reserve. "Someone knows we're here," says Kiefer. The time is 6:59:58…6:59:59…7:00:00 PM.