Previouslys. Lady Mac tries to destroy the Kreepy Karl tape, but it's not the real tape. It's press conference time. There's "still no sign of the vee-men," says FATB. Jovan Musk for Men goes to Casa Kiefer to vait for zem. Spawn's stuck in the middle of a drug deal about to go ugly. Red Cap gets killed by Teddy Ruxpin after telling Kiefer about some power shutdown that's going to happen at 7:30 PM. Bride's got amnesia, so her ex-doctor-lover takes her back to Casa Kiefer. Bye, HandsomeBlackGuard#2!
Bride and Dr. Phil approach Casa Kiefer. Fortunately, Dr. Phil remembers where Bride keeps her spare key. Jovan can't get a clear shot of them through the bushes for some reason; meanwhile, Bride has set off the alarm system and can't remember the password. The security company calls her, asking for the password, and Bride screeches at them to turn the alarm off. She doesn't remember the password. Geddit? 'Cause she has amnesia.
It's only been moments since Red Cap got shot, but already he has been pronounced dead and his body bag is being zipped up. Nina approaches Kiefer and tells him that she just found out Red Cap's name and that he worked for Pacific Electric in Saugus. Kiefer thanks her and sends her back to CTU to check on where exactly Red Cap was supposed to kill the power.
The rent-a-cops arrive at Casa Kiefer, giving Bride the heebie-jeebies. It's awkward trying to explain to the men why Bride can't remember the password, but they see the family photos of Bride everywhere and conclude that she has to live there. They put away their guns and turn off the alarm without needing to see I.D. Bride stares at the unfamiliar photos of her posing affectionately with Kiefer and Spawn. Jovan Musk for Men watches the rent-a-cops leave.
Back at the Red Cap Shopping Center, Kiefer is continuing to do whatever it is you do after someone gets killed in some botched CIA mission. Xander enters and makes a crack about the inevitable body count that follows a FailedPlanOfKiefer. Gee, where did Xander come from? Wasn't he just telling Teddy Ruxpin to chill out over the phone from the KieferKube? How'd he get downtown so fast? And speaking of Teddy, Xander wants to speak to him. He asks Kiefer where Teddy is. Kiefer points off-camera to where Teddy "is," when in reality Teddy is probably collecting unemployment checks now that his tenure on 24 is thankfully over. Kiefer's cell phone rings. It's Palmer. He "twisted some arms" over at the Pentagon and got his hands on the missing Drazen file. And like every other friggin' missing file that gets "found" on this show, it's "just an address." The address happens to be in Saugus, the very place where Kiefer was just told that the power is being turned off for five minutes. Kiefer kisses Palmer's ass for a while, then thanks him for his help. They get off the phone, and immediately Kiefer calls Soul Patch to ask him how he liked the Georgette Klinger gift certificate he got him for Secretary's Day…oh wait, actually he has Soul Patch check the variables of the address Palmer gave him. Soul Patch taps into the "whatever technology" on his computer to find out all about this "sector" of California, and promises to get back to Kiefer when he hears anything. Kiefer heads toward the street in search of some new Kiefmobile; Xander comes up behind him and asks him where he's going. Kiefer tells Xander that he's in search of the location where Red Cap was supposed to turn the power off. Xander decides to be Kiefer's "chaperone." They get into the Berkeleymobile at Xander's insistence. It's been a while since they had quality time together.
And speaking of quality time, the drug-dealing, cell-phone-wielding, skank-errific, wacky pot-headed frat boys are it again at The Frat House of Bad Life Decisions. Hey, whither Todd? What about Todd? You know, that friend of Spawn's who got a scholarship to Stanford despite being a foster kid? Where is he right now? Could he really not be able to find Spawn's mom? It's just so important that Dan, a.k.a. Evil Frat Boy #2, be there at the house with "the money." That's what Dan'sWeaselFacedBrother keeps saying with the desperation of a junkie to Rick, i.e. the Anti-Todd. It just is. It's not really clear why "the money" is needed so badly, but it's a drug deal, okay? Crazy things happen in drug deals that make no sense -- like why Spawn is still there. This shaky Greg Brady Curtain-Kam shot shows them chasing each other through the various rooms of the FHoBLD while SpawnOfKiefer and Gloria Skankerbilt watch helplessly. Finally DWFB gets really frustrated at not being able to reach someone on his cell phone, so he throws it across the room and storms into one of the bedrooms and slams the door. Spawn does something uncharacteristically intelligent and gets up from the couch and starts walking out the door. Skankelina Jolie blocks her from leaving, because she doesn't want her "going to the police." Ugh -- trust me, you don't want this girl around for your insane drug deal; you really don't. But no one asked me, so Skankerie Bertinelli ends up preventing Spawn from leaving The Frat House of Bad Life Decisions, despite Spawn's protests that she doesn't care about the drug deal. "I only came here because I wanted you to help me find my mom," says Spawn. "But now I realize that was a dumb idea." Whoa. When did Spawn's medication start kicking in? "You came here for Rick," accuses Voicestream Spokes-skank Skankie Lee Curtis. "I did not," bleats Spawn. Yeah, Spawn. You came for Rick's penis. Spawn tries to convince Rick to leave with her before they get killed. "You heard what Dan'sWeaselFacedBrother said," says Swedish New-Age Grammy-Winning Recording Artist Skank-ya. "No one leaves his house until EvilFrat#2 gets back." So Spawn spills the beans about EFB#2 not coming back ever because he's dead. But just as she says this, DWFB enters in time to hear the tail end of Spawn's admission. He pulls a gun on Spawn, who retreats to the couch and puts her hands in this strangely protective stance in which they're at her shoulders like she's frozen in an aerobics move. Rick tries to explain about Gaines and the past eighteen hours, so DWFB turns the gun on him and chases him around. Spawn gets into another frozen aerobics pose like she's doing some sort of sit-up as DWFB smashes a lamp and reacts to his brother's death. After some acting, DWFB asks Rick who has the money now. Rick tells him that they never got paid. Well, it turns out that DWFB has invited some dealers over, and they're going to want "their money" for some ecstasy. "So call it off," suggests Rick. "It's too late," says DWFB. "These are not the kind of guys you invite over to do a deal and then come up short." Oh, please -- like you couldn't reach them in transit. I mean, aren't these people supposed to have beepers or cell phones? Spawn exhales sharply. The time is 6:10:28 PM.
Drive a Nissan, because if you are very bloody on some mountaintop, you'll attend to your dirt bike's wounds first…or something. Spiderman will be in theaters May 3rd. Or so a Cingular ad tells me. I have such mixed feelings about Spiderman. It's about time that Kirsten Dunst became a superstar, but I don't want her to get any more famous. She'll get all it-girly and hard to relate to. Come back to the five-and-dime, Kirsten Dunst, Kirsten Dunst. Is it really that hard for Neutrogena to find a spokesmodel who's able to say "cleanser" properly? First Jennifer Love Hewitt called it "klinser," and now I don't even know what Mandy Moore is calling it. Oh! Everyone be quiet because it's Britney's sixties Pepsi ad, which is a thing of beauty. What I love about watching Britney in action is seeing her straddle the fine line where jailbait meets innocence. Where irony meets idolatry. The truth leaks out like light through pin pricks…or are those just sequins? I love watching Britney move around in that French Navy striped tank bathing suit, which seems a lot racier than it really is because bits of it are flesh-colored. I love the beatnik playing the bongos and wiping out on a surfboard later. And when Britney's being hoisted up on that surfboard by the boys, you just know that she's not shy about being carried around on a surfboard, waving her cotton-candy peroxide Marcia Brady 'do around in the Pacific Ocean breeze while her friends that aren't as pretty plot a slow and painful death for her. If you use these Old Spice Towelettes or whatever they're called, you'll get a lot of action. Andie MacDowell, how did you manage to say the phrase "non-drip cream" in this L'Oreal commercial without laughing your ass off take after take?
The time is 6:14:54 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Jovan Musk for Men hides from some rent-a-cops, Spawn sits at the FHoBLD passing the time until she has to witness the inevitable botched drug deal, and the Palmers sit down to dinner. Li'l Lisa puts a forkful of Caesar salad in her mouth and shifts her eyeballs from left to right a lot to give the impression that she's preoccupied or feeling some family tension. Lady Mac puts a snippet of a leaf of Romaine Heart into her mouth like she's a mother tigress chewing on a blade of grass in the Serengeti. Palmer puts a microscopic portion of salad in his mouth, because strong powerful men never really love salads. Theo shovels salad into his piehole like the pissy cow that he is. It doesn't take long for Lady Mac, Palmer, and Theo to start exchanging words over what Palmer is going to say at this emergency press conference. Lady Mac does this brilliant change-of-grip on her salad fork and simultaneous finger point to silence Theo's whining. Palmer makes this eloquent speech about how no one in the family acted appropriately, so they've got to leave the finger-pointing at that. Theo bleats out that he doesn't mind going to jail. Yeah, Theo will be fine in jail, just as long as he's a good bitch for the crank dealer who bought him for nine cigarettes and a couple of Vicodin. Lady Mac points out that there are larger issues than just Theo. A black man having a shot at the White House is one of them. Theo moans some more about Ferragamo. There's more yelling. Li'l Lisa has some sort of panic attack. At first it looks as though she was poisoned, but it turns out to be just a run-of-the-mill freak-out. Palmer carries her over to a couch, and Sherry tells the Secret Service people outside their door to call a doctor. Theo gets her some water. "I'm so sorry, Daddy," says Li'l Lisa over and over again. Oh yeah, armchair psychologists will say that the rape victim internalizing her rape and blaming herself for it ever taking place is behind this scene, but I have a feeling Li'l Lisa might be "sorry" about something else.
Wow, Nina got back to CTU really fast. She sits at her desk and talks to Kiefer on her cell phone. Apparently the variables that Kiefer gave Soul Patch earlier show up as a wildlife preserve. Xander, who is driving the Berkeleymobile while Kiefer is talking, makes a crack about going to the Sierra Club. I just gotta ask at this point -- did anyone consider simply running the address that Palmer gave Kiefer through a reverse directory where they would have found out the exact same information? I mean, why did they have to get all techno and track down this wildlife preserve via satellite? Nina asks Kiefer who's with him. Kiefer tells her that Xander is driving him. Nina promises to download some other fancy techno kinds of maps and send them along. They get off the phone, and Xander starts asking Kiefer kasual kwestions about his latest finds on the Drazen family for the sake of exposition. "It never gets dull with you," says Xander, running his fingers all over his face like he's making sure how close his shave was this morning. Kiefer apologizes for shooting him "last night" with the tranquilizer gun. Xander tells him not to give it a "second thought." "I just feel so much better now that I know my family is safe," says Kiefer, all earnest and velvety. Xander gets really quiet. Uh oh.
The screen splits and we return to a special Lifetime Channel presentation of Todd Can't Find Me: The Teri Bouvier Sutherland Bauer Story. Based on a true story, it's all about the journey of a courageous woman who finds the courage to battle a fibroid tumor when Eastern Bloc terrorists kidnap her special-needs child and cause her to develop amnesia. Bride sits in Spawn's room and caresses all the fluffy pink things her stupid daughter has lying around. Even her pearly PC laptop has a pink bow on it. Dr. Phil stands in the doorway and watches her. Bride complains that she can't remember anything about her daughter, despite being in her room. "Sometimes music can unlock memories," says Dr. Phil, crossing the room to turn on Spawn's mauve boom box. Okay, did he really say that? Ew! Dr. Phil pushes play on Spawn's tape deck, and the same song comes on that was playing when Bride and Kiefer discovered that Spawn was missing. Bride caresses a phallic stuffed animal and asks Dr. Phil some more questions about their relationship. We learn that Spawn never met Dr. Phil because Bride kept him a secret. Dr. Phil tells Bride that she made Kiefer move out because she lost her connection with him, but took him back because she didn't want to lose her family. "I don't remember you at all," says Bride. "But being with you makes me feel good and maybe I don't feel so scared." Ooh Bride! You so nasty, you belong in Versailles in 1797. They hold hands. But Bride thanks him for his being there a little too crisply.
The Bad Drug Deal. Dan'sWeaselFacedBrother paces around with a cigarette artfully dangling out of mouth, ashing on the sage green viscose that his short-sleeved sport shirt is made of, making frantic calls to people with names like "Chuck" and asking them for sinister drugster-y things. Spawn wants to make a run for it but Rick warns against it, telling her about DWFB being "psycho" and therefore not the sort of person you want to "run away from." Oh, I had always thought that psychos were a good thing to "run away from" in general, but Rick's the expert here so I'll leave it up to him. I guess it's like what they tell you about bees. Spawn -- who is actually trying to go somewhere without Rick -- tiptoes to the front door while DWFB's back is turned. Uh oh. Someone's at the door. Look what central casting just sent over: dangerous-looking hoodlum-type extras who will just come over and make things look like they're really going to get bad. But don't worry. They brought their own guns. Wait, guns? I thought these were ecstasy dealers! So did Rick. DWFB explains that these aren't dealers; these are buddies of his who are going to help hold up the ecstasy dealer when he comes over. Is this house built on an Indian burial ground? Oh, and I just thought I'd point out another visual detail that indicates just how dangerous the Frat Boy lifestyle is. Their fridge is really really dirty. DWFB checks out all the guns his buddy's just brought over and mock-shoots Rick, then Spawn. The time is 6:23:22 PM.
There's a couple of Barcelona chairs in the "Dick/Dirk" Uncle Ben's Breakfast Bowl ad and I still want one. I love Angelina Jolie, but is a peroxide bouffant really a good idea if you're playing a local newscaster? I love the Bud Light ad with the falcon who's trained to stalk and peck at outdoor diners for their Bud Lights. You know, if you stick your fingers up your ass in America it can be a gesture of vulgarity, but in some other crazy country it's what you do to ask the father of your intended's hand in marriage, and in yet another crazy country it's how you signal the waiter for the check. Thanks, HSBC! I love the oil heat ad with the plastic-covered family. Oh sure, there are lots of creepy heterosexual guys surfing lavalife.com, but you can hit some button on your keypad which will make him disappear…and be replaced by some other creepy guy.
The time is 6:27:50 PM. Klockwise from the top left, everyone at the frat house gets ready for The Bad Drug Deal, Kiefer and Xander drive in silence, and Palmer makes sure that Li'l Lisa's Li'l Panic Attack is over. A doctor-y-looking man leaves the Palmer Suite; I guess that means that L'il Lisa is okay. Palmer asks her how she's doing, and Li'l Lisa wishes him luck with his press conference. Another speech about truth, family, God, trust, et cetera from Palmer. Lisa and Theo are beaming, but Lady Mac shoots him a look of death. "I need you now more than ever," says Palmer to Lady Mac. Lady Mac compliments him on his tie in this way that's dripping with subtext just as a blonde assistant with ironed hair appears at the door to tell Palmer that he's needed at the press conference. He walks with his Secret Service detail out the door and down the hall to the elevator.
Back at Casa Kiefer, Bride still finds her home unfamiliar. She goes through her appointment book and asks Phil what he knows about the people she had appointments with. One of these appointments, she realizes, was with Phil. "Was it fun?" she asks. Was it ever. They had "hot dogs" and "played air hockey." The mention of air hockey seems to produce a stirring in Bride. They go through the book some more. Dr. Phil explains that she's a freelance interior designer with a business partner named "Kitty." The bell rings. It's Chris, a friend of Phil's with a gun whom Phil invited over for "protection." Bride freaks out when she sees Chris's gun and insists that he get it out of her sight. Dr. Phil tells her that Chris is a friend of his and that Bride shouldn't be afraid of him. Bride continues to freak, so Phil tells her that Chris will stay outside so he can get shot by Jovan Musk for Men. Oops. I'm getting ahead of myself here. "Your husband could have been the one who roughed you up," says Dr. Phil. Nice try, chump.
And now it's time for another creepy conspiratorial conversation between ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss and Jovan Musk for Men over their cell phones. Jovan says dryly that Bride is there, and he's going to shoot her as soon as he takes care of some "interference." Jovan asks after LittleTerrorBrother. FATB replies that he still can't find him. "Call me when it's done," says FATB with all the confidence in the world. Uh, what reason does FATB have to act so cocky? Everything they've done since they got here has gotten fucked up. They hang up, and JMfM continues to spy on Dr. Phil's gun-owning friend from behind a Casa Kiefer bush.
Palmer makes his way to the press conference, entering the hotel convention backstage through a kitchen. Oh, way to go for the jugular with the Robert Kennedy assassination visual reference. Palmer walks through the kitchen for a very long time just so we can feel every last drop of that tension. He takes the stage amidst flash cameras going off and faces a vast audience of rubbernecking suit-wearing journalists. Palmer tells the story of a scandal he was just made aware of at midnight, which might affect his chances of being elected, but he has to tell the truth for the sake of his "family." Reaction shot of Theo and Li'l Lisa on the couch, watching the press conference live on the hotel TV. Palmer talks about a group of California businessmen who finance his campaign. "I have misjudged these local businessmen, And they have misjudged me," says Palmer. Uh, wait -- "local businessmen"? Jeez, you'd think the neighborhood knife sharpener or some guy with two Subway franchises financed Ferragamo's murder. Kreepy Karl and some of the "local businessmen" are watching from a local businessman's office during one of their evil white male conspiracy meetings. "I'll take care of it," says Kreepy Karl. "Too late, Karl," says one of the local businessman, in a surprisingly prissy tone. The time is 6:34:31 PM.
The time is 6:38:55 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer and Xander are still on their road trip, Palmer keeps telling "the truth," and Lady Mac and the Cosby kids watch on the hotel TV. Palmer says that although he's not sure the tape Theo made of Kreepy Karl is admissible as evidence, at least it will help the truth come out, so he's sent it to the D.A.'s office. He reiterates that these "local businessmen" acted without his consent or knowledge, and asks that people have sympathy for Theo, who only failed to report an accident, and Li'l Lisa, who is a rape victim and only failed to take acting lessons. Oh, and Palmer loves his son and is going to stick by him. Theo liked that part of the speech. Lady Mac comforts Li'l Lisa. The press people give stony-faced reactions.
Back at CTU, Nina storms onto the floor and konfronts Soul Patch. "Did you know that the Safe House was hit?" She just found out herself. Soul Patch admits that he knew about the Safe House Attack, but didn't say anything to Kiefer because he was under orders from Xander, who outranks even Kiefer. Nina is all, "You should have told me." Soul Patch assures her that there are men looking for the Kieferettes. "Kiefer needs to know about this," says Nina, storming off.
The Berkeleymobile is cruising down a dusty road past chicken-wire-enclosed fields of dry brown grass. Xander's cell phone rings. It's Nina, busting on him for not telling Kiefer about his family. Xander doesn't want to let on that he's having this conversation with Nina, so he pretends for Kiefer's benefit to talk about something else. Nina gets frustrated and tries to call Kiefer directly on his cell phone. Under the pretense of his battery being dead, Xander borrows Kiefer's cell phone and turns it off, thereby preventing Nina's call from going through. They get out of the car and approach a crude fence, where Kiefer is getting a clear signal from some "whatever technology" gadget he has with him. Kiefer hops over the fence, and Xander opens the gate and walks through. Hee! They talk further along toward some trees. Back at CTU, Nina can't focus on her work, so she leaves the floor without telling Soul Patch where she's going.
It's 6:42:58 PM, and Kiefer and Xander are approaching a thicket of trees while they have an expositorial exchange about Drazen being Milosevic's right-hand man in charge of ethnic cleansing and how there has to be a second mole at CTU. The Whatever Scanner leads them to a mausoleum-shaped construction that Kiefer identifies as a "power transformer." Kiefer wonders aloud why this spot is a nature reserve when it's too dry for any wildlife to survive.
Back at Frat House on the Hellmouth, DWFB tells everyone to get in place for The Bad Drug Deal. Rick, Spawn, and Skanktoria Principal try to act casual for the benefit of the drug dealer at the door. Some skinny leather-jacketed guy with curly red Kenny G hair enters, followed by his skank, a waify peroxide blonde who looks like Patricia Arquette after getting hit with a frying pan. Kenny G scopes the room out and wants to know who Spawn and Rick are and what happened to Rick's arm. DWFB cuts to the chase and asks for the ecstasy. "Pure MDMA," says Kenny G. "No caffeine." Oh, good. I hate it when there's caffeine in my MDMA. It keeps me up all night tossing and turning. "Where's the money?" says Kenny G. DWFB unzips a nylon bag and places it on the couch. Kenny G goes over to inspect it, and DWFB's gun buddies leap out of hiding and tell him to freeze. Kenny G and Poor Man's Patricia Arquette draw their own guns, and there's a standoff. Finally Kenny G agrees to put his gun down and leave the ecstasy behind. The gun buddies pat down Kenny G and PMPA. For some reason DWFB decides it's as good a time as any to hit Rick on his bad shoulder with the butt of his gun for "not keeping [his] brother alive." Rick falls to Spawn's feet; she tries to revive him with her hot teenage monkey love. The time is 6:47:23 PM.
The time is 6:51:42:PM. Klockwise from the top left, Nina keeps trying to get through to Kiefer on his cell phone, Spawn watches The Bad Drug Deal go bad, and Palmer continues to speak at his press conference. Soul Patch drops by Nina's desk and finds her checking hospitals for the Kieferettes. Soul Patch assures her that there's someone watching the house and checking out the area around the payphone where Spawn called CTU. "We're doing all we can," says Soul Patch. "Are you?" asks Nina. Ree-ow! Soul Patch smolders there, unable to move, as Nina gets up and storms off again. Where does she go when she storms off, exactly?
The Bad Drug Deal continues on its merry way as Dan'sWeaselFacedBrother puts the jar of caffeine-free ecstasy into a Patagonia forest-green tote and zips it up. But lest you think that the hold-up ends there with DWFB getting the drugs, letting Kenny G and Poor Man's Patricia Arquette go and dashing our expectations of a really bad drug deal with fatal bloody consequences, DWFB starts to play with a gun that's just lying around and decides to torture Kenny G a little. He punches him in the nose. The Gun Buddies and Empress Skankephine Bonaparte find this funny. The word "homey" is used. Kenny G has one more thing to say: "You have the right to remain silent." Kenny and PMPA are DEA agents. Back-up agents rush in with their guns drawn. One of the gun buddies is shot. The entire Frat House from Hell, including Spawn and Rick, is under arrest. For some reason Spawn isn't happy to be under police custody and pleads with the officers that there's some mistake. Aw, don't worry, Spawn. Maybe your friend Todd is pre-law at Stanford and he can get you out someday.
Back at the hotel, Palmer is wrapping up his speech by taking full responsibility for his unknowing role in CrispyShrinkGate. "I ask you to consider that I am not the first elected official to make a mistake in office," says Palmer. He exits the stage, followed by the press. He goes back out through the kitchen entrance -- oh no, not the kitchen again! -- and runs into his son so they can have what seems to be the forty-ninth bonding moment this month. "I love you, Dad." "I love you, son." They hug and walk off arm-in-arm.
Back at Casa Kiefer, Bride of Kiefer is looking at snapshots of Dr. Phil's kids in his wallet. She's never met them, according to Dr. Phil. The teakettle starts to whistle from the other room. That's never a good omen. Dr. Phil gets up to make tea. Bride finds a pink arts-and-crafts project that Spawn made that says MOM in block letters across the top. "She made this for me," says Bride to herself. Yeah, probably last month. Chris comes inside to use the restroom. Jovan Musk for Men comes in to shoot everyone. He mows down Chris and Dr. Phil, but before he kills Bride, he asks her where Spawn is, promising to make her death painless if she cooperates. "I [gasp] don't [gasp] know," bleats Bride. "Fine," says Jovan, getting ready to shoot her. But before he does, Soul Patch -- like, where did he come from? -- enters the kitchen and puts a bullet in Jovan's head. He tells Bride to "step away" from Jovan, but Bride can't step away because she's just remembered that she killed Spawn a couple of hours ago. A split screen reveals a non-dead Spawn being hauled out of The Frat House of Bad Life Decisions by a DEA officer. Palmer is shown hugging Li'l Lisa while Lady Mac watches with a look of death on her face. The sun goes down in Saugus. Kiefer and Xander see a helicopter approach the wildlife reserve. "Someone knows we're here," says Kiefer. The time is 6:59:58…6:59:59…7:00:00 PM.