Episode Report Card Demian: C | 275 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Dolt, Be Not Proud
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 10 | Aired on 2005.11.27
Meanwhile, down in the Bridal Boudoir, the Dolt's pacing the floor in a fury, grunting, "Why didn't you tell me? You don't think I have a right to know?" Piper, perched on her hope chest at the foot of the bed, splutters an excuse that the Dolt ignores in favor of launching himself into a massive pity party. "You're not going to [die]," Piper insists. "I'm not going to let it happen." "How, huh?" he demands incredulously. "By hexing every man so he looks like me? It's not gonna stop him!" "That wasn't the plan!" Piper agitates, leaping to her feet. "I'm scared, too!" This admission snaps the Dolt out of it, and the two move in for a clinch. There follows a lengthy scene during which Piper increasingly loses control of her emotions, and Holly Marie Combs sells the hell out of it, but I swear to God this is, like, the fifteenth time the Dolt's been imperiled in the last seven and a half years, and I just can't be bothered to care anymore. Not that I cared too much about the character in the first place, of course, but you can see my point. You can't have the guy nearly die as a Whitelighter three or four times, and you can't have the guy as an Elder abandoning his family five or six times, and you can't have the guy as an Avatar sacrificing himself only to pop back to life after it's all over, and still expect me to get all antsy about this shit now. I don't even feel like digging up the appropriate links. Whatever, show. In any event, Piper tears up and vows to protect him, but she stresses that he must remain in the Manor until they've sorted the situation out. Which of course means the stupid Dolt will leave the Manor on some asinine mission in the next ten minutes and get his stupid self killed. Again. Oy. Piper books from the Boudoir, leaving the Dolt alone to pout and feel sorry for himself.
As Piper hits the lower landing on the main stairs, she's rather shocked to find Death waiting for her in the main hall. Hee. I love Death-In-A-Box. "I trust you've said your goodbyes," he opens, which doesn't make much sense, because enough time has passed since Piper recited the spell for Death to notice that San Francisco is positively teeming with Dolts at the moment, but this show is ass, so whatever. They've been saving Death's realization of what's actually going on for this scene, and logic be damned. Just as Death demands the Dolt's presence in the foyer, the doorbell rings. Raige too brightly sings, "Oooh! I'll get it!" and swings open the front door to reveal the bored Pizza Delivery Dolt loafing around on the front porch. "Oh, hi!" Raige perks. "Do you, um, mind just putting it on the table?" Pizza Delivery Dolt gets a far-too-amusing lascivious leer on his face as he sidles past her into the front hall, and bamp-chicka-bamp-ew, and the doorbell rings again to herald the arrival of Dry-Cleaning Delivery Dolt, and since when do dry-cleaners deliver? Stupid show. The camera cuts back to Death looking increasingly annoyed for a moment as the doorbell rings again and Raige admits yet another Dolt-alike who's there to repair the much-abused grandfather clock. That's sort of funny, actually. "What's the meaning of this?" Death finally demands. "What can I tell you?" Piper blithely replies. "I run a very busy household." And next to arrive on the front porch is Ivan. Well, Ivan in Dolt form, so I suppose he's Divan for this scene. Pity I've been ignoring the character's actual name, Henry, because by now I'm sure I'd be calling him Hank, which means he'd actually be Dank for what follows. As Raige stammers with surprise, the one true Dolt lopes down the stairs to note the plague of Dolts currently swarming the first floor as his wife frosts The Angel Of Death with, "I told you: I will not let you take my husband." Death makes a few threatening remarks before The One True Dolt concocts some repair-related excuse to angle noticeably around both Piper and Death to exit through the back of the house, and that was a completely bungled moment. If The One True Dolt physically avoided bumping into The Angel Of Death, wouldn't The Angel Of Death have realized The One True Dolt was the guy he's been looking for? Whatever, Charmed. Death vows to get his man, or something, and vanishes in a smoky twist of Death's-head mojo. Piper presses her eyes shut and sighs.