Episode Report Card Jessica: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Four Scary Stories
By Jessica | Season 5 | Episode 9 | Aired on 12.11.2001
Jack hauls him out of the closet (ahem) and unties him. "I'm okay," the guy says, falling into a chair. "A couple of the guys locked me in there. Hazing, you know," he explains. Jack yelps that the guy could have died, and demands to know who was behind such a nefarious trick! Bound & Gagged doesn't want to say. "I'm a new pledge. It'd be indiscreet." Jack says that he's a new pledge, too, and he's surprised he's never seen B&G, whose name is Chad, ever before. Blah blah blah blah blah blah, Chad informs Jack that the bros already hate him. They hate him! Jack wonders why they let him pledge if they hate him and all. Turns out Chad's father was a founding member of Sigma Ew, and Chad's a legacy. They had to let him in. Jack's all, but, dude, the bros are awesome! Chad says they've "been on [his] case since day one." "Why?" Jack asks. I am so bored. I want to stab myself. I'm just going to fast-forward through some of this talking, okay? Yada yada, Chad is gay. He's gay, gay, gay. And Jack's gay, too! He's gay! He's also gay, although he doesn't date, kiss, or have sex with other boys. But, see, the frat brothers are cool with Jack being gay! "This shouldn't happen," Jack tells Chad. "We're living in the 21st century." Suddenly, I've just noticed, Jack's mullet has returned. This is scary. "Maybe you are," Chad says. And groans. He needs to sleep, he says. Jack goes to get him a glass of water. "You're not calling for help, are you?" Chad asks. Man, he sure is whiny. If I was a ghost out to teach Jack a lesson (or something), I'd be a lot sassier. Also, I'd haunt the assholes who tied me up and gagged me, not poor Jack. "Jack?" Chad calls after him. "You're a cool guy. A great addition to the house. I wish there were more like you." Jack smiles and says he'll be right back, and walks into the other room. He picks up his cell phone, and as he dials, the transistor radio twitters and begins playing another song. A contemporary song. Jack catches sight of the picture that broke earlier -- and Chad is in it, natch. "No way," Jack breathes, and runs back into the living room. Which is empty. Man. Could this episode be more weak-ass? I want to die! Finally, we pan outside the deserted room to the front of the frat house, where a lone light bulb swings in the dark, dark night.
Back at Grams's, Pacey lies and tells Joey and Jack that they sure "spin a scary yarn." "But what the world needs is a good, old-fashioned urban legend," he says, "much like the film of the same name, in which I took second billing to the Noxzema girl and that chick who was on Cybill." Jack dismisses the entire concept of the urban legends as a bunch of "stories about a guy with a hook for an arm who kills an amorous couple." Pacey insists that those stories exist for a reason. "Right. To discourage teenagers from drinking and having sex in the woods," Joey says. "Say what you will," Pacey begins, but he has experienced things. Jack snarks that Pacey's leading "a double life," one which takes him to "the fathoms of the sea, and the seedy underbelly of the city." Jack is absolutely right, Pacey says. "I have seen the dark side," he announces. And, he says, the "scariest stuff" does happen in the midst of the everyday. For example, he begins, there was this one time with She Who Shall Not Be Recapped…"Who's [SWSNBR]?" Joey interrupts. Pacey cocks a brow in her direction. "Do you really want to have this conversation now?" he asks. Joey looks at her lap and hides a smirk. "No. Sorry. Sugar high." Heh. That was amusing. On the other hand? SHE WHO SHALL NOT BE RECAPPED? Again? No! No! No, God, noooooo! She climbed into a cab last week and rode out of my life forever! For! Ever! Damn you, writers! Damn you all to hell! Have you no pity? Have you no mercy? What did I ever do to you, you sons of bitches?