Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Programmed To Receive
By Jacob Clifton | Season 6 | Episode 5 | Aired on 01.30.2007
Simon begs her to stand up while Paula and Randy laugh and tease him about the actual, true, real violation going on here, and she keeps making the prostitute faces and licking her lips and touching herself. Meanwhile, outside, as though even the suggestion of Simon Cowell getting a blowjob caused him to magically appear, Ryan's asking the guy one if they are in total true love and if he's going to marry her. "Are you...flirting with me?" asks Simon of the lady love, and she stares at him blankly. "I think you're cute, Simon." She continues to undulate and make the scary faces. "You are...fabulous," he says, "But it was the singing that was, um...slightly off-putting." She tells him he's still a hottie. Outside, Ryan congratulates the guy one on finding somebody he can count on, somebody loyal and trustworthy. Inside, Simon is telling Sparkles straight up she's making him nervous. Randy and Paula laugh and tease him some more about how she's totally going to rape him, and how creepy it is, and Paula's kinda sympathetic, but it's more like she's amazed to see that even Simon Cowell is afraid of something.
Darold Gray, 20, has a hat I do not understand, on which is written "Y $ BAM." I don't care to know. Perhaps he was impressed by those symbols or felt a magnetic pull toward them, and wrote them down for himself, only to years later come across a milliner who was able to fashion a hat bearing those strange symbols. He's dumb as shit and stares emptily at the judges as Simon explains his girlfriend's inappropriate behavior: the suggestive song, the lip-licking, the vertical relocation. He assures the judges that he is not a jealous person and asks rhetorically how he could be? After all, he has metal teeth that go on the outside of his real teeth!
He sings "Wish It Would Rain (The Wesley Willis Crackhead Remix)," as poorly as a person of diminished capacity might be expected to sing any old song, and they laugh half-heartedly, and Simon asks if Darold and Sparkles ever sing at home, and this is his response. "On the regular, sometimes. Yeah." On the regular, sometimes, they sing together. This is why you have to stay in school, people. Are the police ever called, Simon wonders, and Darold -- explain this to me -- goes, "Depends on what music we're listening to!" I don't know if that's a joke or music or what. He leaves, and Olivia Newton-John is still grilling Randy about Darold's fronts, because the first time you learn about grills it's like the most fascinating thing, like cyborgs or Natasha Lyonne. It's awesome in the same way that watching Twiggy learn about life on earth is awesome. Outside they make out and are disgusting some more, and Sparkles addresses Simon via the camera, and says something so foul I don't even know what it was. It's like a ten-minute bleep ending with "...real good." Stop burning the sausages, you two.