Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Programmed To Receive
By Jacob Clifton | Season 6 | Episode 5 | Aired on 01.30.2007
Carett "Sparkles" Carr, whose details are not important. She explains to them that she prefers to be called "Sparkles" because she "do glow," although an explanation for her egregious camel toe is less forthcoming. She's going to "bring it like how it's supposed to be brought." Apparently -- and I missed this memo too, so don't feel too utterly terrible -- how it's supposed to be brought is in the style more commonly known as "actual cash-for-sex streetwalking prostitute," is how it's supposed to be brought. I am going to have to adjust...so many things, if that's how it's being brought these days. Starting with new business cards. I love new business cards!
What she is bringing is a song about "going down," which sounds horrible, although I must say it occasions some really interesting faces. What she is additionally bringing is a bunch of pointing at Simon Cowell and threats of sexual complicity such that you might feel overwhelmed, or like there's a code that you're not quite on the verge of breaking. Luckily, this is my calling, so stand back. When Sparkles sings about "going down," she's making a parallel between her subjective emotional state in Simon's -- as the song's apostrophe -- absence, and the commonly described experience of depression, or, "feeling low." However, when Sparkles actually gets down on her elephantine knees while singing this, she introduces a third and fourth layer to the story, in which the prepositional phrase itself -- to be on one's knees or otherwise lower than standing -- fights for dominance with another colloquial layer of meaning, "to go down" as in "to perform fellatio." I'll let that sink in -- I know this is some really sophisticated shit. So then finally, when she starts licking her lips and popping her dentures in and out while staring lasciviously at Simon Cowell, in conjunction with dropping to her knees, singing about blowjobs, and touching her own breasts and lady business in a manner which might be perceived as lewd or even intended to be seductive in some way, it becomes quite clear that what is being brought is: all the sexually transmitted diseases in the world, starting with whatever's scariest. She's not a connoisseur ho, like one of those "what's the dirtiest thing you can think of" kind. She's the kind that gets in the back seat with you. I know this because I've seen every Hookers At The Point so many times they're like sweet little lullaby melodies to me now. Anyway, while all of this is going on, a look of such panic is illuminating Simon Cowell's face as could best be described as: pants-shitting.