Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Programmed To Receive
By Jacob Clifton | Season 6 | Episode 5 | Aired on 01.30.2007
He sings "You Belong To Me," quite well but nothing amazing, and Paula starts crying immediately, then Olivia Newton-John, and Paula barely holding it together, and Olivia Newton-John smiling sadly, and Paula wiping away her tears, and then it's over. Simon thanks Sherman and tells him it was very good, and that he's a class act, and asks to shake his hand. You know who's a class act is Simon Cowell. Paula kisses Sherman's cheek, as does Olivia Newton-John, and outside he explains firmly, and just once, that he won: he's a winner.
Twenty-one others make it through from Day One, including: Girl in Flouncy Dress, a Tiny Gay Latino, somebody Randy wants to do a cartwheel, a Bleach Blonde, a Cute Girl, and two Nondescript Persons. Olivia Newton-John and Paula hug, so I guess we only got her for one day. That's okay. My chills were pretty much multiplied out once she could barely get her ducts working for Sherman.
Day Two: Creepy making out couple, Paula slurring at the camera, "Three necklaces or two?" Simon zipping his pants, Ryan wearing brown and looking terrific, Paula babbling to the camera about how there are a couple of guys that are amazing, and probably some girls but she doesn't remember, and as Ryan and Simon slip their arms around each other and head inside, Ryan VO about another couple who has found love. I did not make that up.
She's huge, he's big and dumb. They are a couple from Compton, in every sense of what that might mean: they met at a bus stop. My notes at this point say, "Walking together, loving each other, they are gross." I like that. "I have found mines right here," says the girl one, "My soulmate." It's all very amazing. She talks about how much she loves his disgusting retarded-looking grill: "It's, oh, it's flashy -- I love that flavor, it's a turn-on all the way, like bling-bling-bling, I like that." The guy one mushmouths out that he "blows her cold kisses," and he kisses her cheek and points out the imaginary "frost" from his ice. I wish they were dead. They make out, and the camera pulls back to reveal something surprising, namely that they were doing this in a cozy little town I call Ryan Seacrest's Crotch. He smiles directly at the camera: "American Idol. Bringing people closer together. With grills." I would not let these freaks near my rental car, much less my business, my personal mister business. Ryan Seacrest needs to keep a better eye on his groin and its visitors. ["This is not the first time Ryan's been in need of that advice, I'd wager. Need I remind you?" -- Joe R] Twenty times she tries to give the camera some speech that never actually makes sense, I think having to do with them being both the Final Two and married or something. They've been together two years. They are fucking gross.