Episode Report Card Sobell: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Agent Von Blondie -- dead!
By Sobell | Season 2 | Episode 14 | Aired on 01.21.2007
Then we zip to Kansas, where T-Bag and his ready-made family are sacked out in front of the TV watching cartoons. T-Bag appears to have showered and blow-dried his hair. I will not pretend to understand how he could have managed this feat while also keeping an eye on Susan and the kids. Susan tries to get away by claiming she's off to make more popcorn, but T-Bag's on to her, and he says, "Honey, if any of us could eat any more popcorn, I'd be a-MAZED." Then he turns to Gracie and says, "See what I did there? The Indian word for corn is 'maize,' and I just said 'a-MAIZE-d.'" And wow, is it creepy to see T-Bag wooing a little girl in front of her own mother. ["Also, don't pimp your own puns, it's tacky." -- Sars] But Gracie only sees it as attention, so she plays along: "I don't get it. I'm CORN-fused." T-Bag's delighted. He strokes Gracie's face while telling her she's smart, and Susan decides it's time to spill her drink.
She heads off to get a rag, T-Bag hot on her trail. When Susan goes to grab the gun in her drawer, T-Bag says, "I thought we were wiping the slate clean." Apparently, Susan's firearm also doubles as a cleaning aid. Who knew? Also, who knows how T-Bag managed to grab it without anyone noticing? Anyway, now is the time for the airing of the grievances, and it turns out T-Bag has a lot of them. The kids finally twig to something being wrong, and Zach gets up and very stealthily sneaks over to the doorway, holding up his skateboard. He calls, "Mom?" and T-Bag cuts short his harangue to go command Zach to get his ass back on the couch. Zach decides he'd rather deliver a skateboard to T-Bag's face. T-Bag falls onto the dining room table, but he's still holding the gun. Susan shrieks that Zach needs to get Gracie and go. And then there's a big, messy schmaz: T-Bag wallops Susan and goes running toward the door, then somehow summons the strength to fling the kids away from the door and block it, all while still holding on to the gun. T-Bag is on the wrong show: he needs to be on Heroes as the guy who manages to turn the odds in his favor all the time.
Anyway, on this one, he's the dude who happens to be blocking the front door and holding a gun on everyone. T-Bag says angrily, "I gave y'all a chance. Remember that."
Meanwhile, back at Fox River, Avocado is busy telling Bellick that the good news is, everyone thinks he's crazy. The bad news is, Banks is the last eloquent man-mountain anyone wants to be messing with. The even worse news is, that conversation was Avocado's idea of foreplay: he tells Bellick, "Hey, you know, I've just been tested." Bellick snarls, "Yeah, well, test results just came back. The top bunk's mine now. You got a problem with that?" Not at the moment, he doesn't.