Episode Report Card Erin: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Stow it, Sydney
By Erin | Season 4 | Episode 7 | Aired on 02.15.2005
Syd's totally not listening to her; instead, she moves over next to Sloane and basically just goes OFF on him about what is and what is not acceptable. It's totally unprofessional and a throwback to something Syd might have done way back in the beginning of Season Three and it doesn't really further the plot, especially considering that we're backtracking here about three episodes. The best part of the entire bitchy speech is that the expression on Sloane's face never changes, not once. His eyes remain half-hooded and he just calmly looks at Sydney like, "Oh, why don't you just can it, you snotty little brat. I've killed people over less. Before breakfast. And without coffee. So how about you turn that frown upside down and go get me a bagel?"
So Syd yammers on and on and on, right in front of her sister and right in the middle of the office, and winds up the speech by mentioning Francie and Danny and DIDN'T DANNY DIE, LIKE, FOUR YEARS AGO, LIKE, LET IT GO ALREADY FOR FUCK'S SAKE. I mean, yeah, Sloane's a snake and he's probably up to no good, but hauling out the dead fiancé and roommate baggage again? That shit's so old it has a layer of dust on it. GET A NEW COMPLEX, SYDNEY. Sloane's response to all this? "I see." Hee. See? Syd gets all worked up and foams at the mouth and it does absolutely nothing to ruffle Sloane's feathers. Nothing. So, in the end, all she winds up doing is making a complete and utter ass out of herself, and Sloane just blinks his hooded eyes and thinks about killing puppies. Marshall enters and says he broke Tambor's encryption program and the sale of the black thorine goes down in sixteen hours. Everyone scrambles, except, of course, for Sloane, who's too busy thinking about strangling kittens to get overly excited about some black thorine sale.
Oh. I see I forgot to add something. SHUT UP, SYDNEY.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. The troops are told that Tambor's boat is in the sea off Turkey, so, in order to get on it and stop the sale of the thorine, they'll have to go in stealth. You know what that means. WETSUITS. Vaughn asks if they know who the buyer is. Jack's all, no, but we do know where the thorine is stored. Oh. I see. Don't know who the buyer is, but know where shit's stored on the boat? Yes. Because that totally makes all sorts of sense. We know where the boat is, who's on it, where stuff is stored, BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S BUYING THINGS. Like, whatever. I'm totally over this episode right now. Get to the chicks in wetsuits, because we all know that's what this entire episode has been gearing up to.
Marshall gobbledy-gooks some crap about the safe where the thorine is stored and none of it makes any sense, nor does it have anything to do with anything, and the only thing we need to know is that Tambor has a safe within a safe and that the safe within a safe has a randomized lock or something and the combination appears on some keycard with an LCD screen that Tambor will most likely have on his person somewhere. God. Shut up, Marshall. Okay. Wait until after this next bit, and then you can shut up. Because Marshall's showing off some monitor or something and he has to open up a small black box for some reason and he leans over to Jack and goes, "Will you marry me, Mr. Bristow?" That, in and of itself, isn't funny, but Jack's thirty-second-long expression of "Is this guy KIDDING?" to the rest of the table is goddamn priceless. You just know Victor Garber had to do everything in his power not to fall off his chair laughing.