Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Don't Worry, The Title's Ironic
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 5 | Aired on 08.03.1997
Pokelwaldt and Ryan pedebitch about Markstram being a cop. They note that anyone else could be, too, as we get a hilarious montage of prisoners who are really, really unlikely to be cops. Ryan tries to greet Schibetta, who's walking with Adebisi, but gets the cold shoulder. Someone better talk to him before he pulls a Carrie. Adebisi says no one bought Markstram's "suicide," but Schibetta says it was meant as a sign to Glynn not to fuck with them. I'm thrown here by the fact that a lockdown was discussed in the previous scene, but has yet to occur. I've just gotten used to the Short Attention Span Theater plot developments in Oz. Adebisi wonders what they'll do now that the smuggling operation has been busted, but Schibetta duhs that the post office isn't the way they really do it, and that he won't be sharing the real method. He goes on that the fastest way to end the lockdown will be to pin the Markstram hanging on a member of Adebisi's gang. Adebisi agrees, and Schibetta spouts something about how he always thought Adebisi had vision. If Adebisi really had vision, all he'd be seeing right now is piles and piles of bullshit, so can it, Schibetta. Schibetta notes that Adebisi ends in "i", and wonders if he might be Italian. Adebisi points out that Schibetta ends in "a", so he might be African. Well, Couch Baron ends in "n," and I'm BORED OFF MY FUCKING ASS HERE. You'd think an afternoon of booze and painkillers would be more enjoyable. Anyway, now that everyone's said what they apparently needed to say, Mineo calls the lockdown.
A shirtless Alvarez complains that he hates lockdowns. Sorry, Migs, but I'm liking what I'm seeing so far. He says he's "fiending for some fucking tits," and we see that his podmate is now Groves, which is a new, and potentially awesome, development. Groves understates that drugs are bad. Alvarez opines that he had to be high when he ate his mother. Groves: "My mom told me that drugs are bad." Hmm. Looks like she forgot the "killing and eating your parents is bad, too" lecture. Alvarez keeps shifting in front of the door like a caged animal. To borrow a technique from Demian: Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. Groves tells Alvarez that he likes his scars. Alvarez: "Now I know why McManus put us in the same cell together. You're the only motherfucker in Em City who's more fucked up than I am." Groves eases forward to the front of the top bunk, and offers Alvarez some stamps. Alvarez says he doesn't want to write to anyone, but Groves says to lick the back, adding that it's coated with LSD. Alvarez runs his tongue over the paper as Groves giddily smiles. Alvarez: "You give stamp collecting a whole new meaning, baby." Pause. Rewind. You get the idea. And I gotta say, El Scorcho here would have chemistry with anyone on the planet. I think I'd find a scene with him and Busmalis hot, and that's a frightening thought, isn't it? ["Well, I'm 'afraid' I'm going to have to fire you now, because ew." -- Sars]