Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Still Charmed And Sucking
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.24.2005
Glamour Piper points out a grumpy-looking Agent Keyes in the main parlor before she, Glamour Feebs, and Daddy Dearest launch themselves into a tedious little bit of familial bickering over the gals' ever-changing appearances and how much the very concept of it all hurts poor Victor's head. After this has passed, Glamour Piper nods her head in the direction of Raige's altar on the dining room table and squints, "Poor [Raige] -- not a lot of people at her urn." "I know," Glamour Phoebe whines commiseratively. "Good thing she's not here to see that." And in the season's first Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity, the black-clad and plastic-faced Janice Dickinson imperiously pushes her way through the mourners in the main hall to strut past Daddy Dearest and his girls. You know, when I first heard about this particular bit of stunt-casting, I was convinced she was going to blow. Then I read they were adding Kaley Cuoco to the cast and I stopped worrying about Janice Dickinson's acting ability and started worrying about my own sanity. Or, rather, the complete lack of sanity I'll be experiencing after recapping twenty-two episodes prominently featuring that empty-headed, simpering, talent-free bimbo. Ecccch. In any event, Glamour Phoebe, Glamour Piper, and the assembled guests are suitably shocked and appalled at the gory Halloween mask Janice Dickinson's been calling a face for the last couple of years, until the Glamoured Glams realize who Janice really is after the latter makes a great show of weeping over her BFF Raige. Do they expect us to believe Janice Dickinson can still leak real tears from her eyes after all that surgery? Get a grip, Charmed.
The Glamoured Glams push Janice Dickinson into the kitchen over Janice's howls of protest and her whole "Do you know who I am?" schtick. "Yeah, we do," Glamour Phoebe answers, and here we go with the gruesome effects shots already. A glaringly obvious green-screen of the Glamoured Gals looking supremely unamused lingers in the frame for about five minutes too long before Glamour Phoebe's assaulted by a swirling cloud of glowing golf balls and morphs into her regular Feeble self, and the NIPPLES! My God! It's bad enough that Milano's about fifteen cup sizes larger than Wilkinson and that they've slung all that into a frilly pink beater for this part of the evening's proceedings (like, that's appropriate for a funeral, NOT, and shut up, Phoebe's lack of fashion sense), but for God's sake, would it fucking kill them to turn up the heat on that set? Oh, wait. My bad. It probably would, now that the WB's slashed their budget. Remind me again why this show was renewed? Anyway, Glamour Piper's soon assaulted by a golf ball cloud of her own and morphs into regular Piper so the two sisters might chide Glamour Raige for her ridiculous new identity. "Oh, fine," Glamour Raige pouts with much puckering of collagen-enhanced lips and suddenly, swapping in Janice Dickinson for Rose McGowan makes frightening amounts of sense. Glamour Raige vanishes beneath yet another golf ball cloud and emerges as Dear Old Muggy, who plants her hands on her hips, wrinkles her brow, bugs out her eyes, and complains, "Well, somebody had to cry at my funeral, didn't they?" Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaaah. Piper and the Fun Bags grin as Mugs McGowan rolls her eyes all the way into the opening credits.