Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT And The Band Played On
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.19.2005
Over at Not!warts, Phoebe slaps a Xeroxed copy of the November 17, 1899, edition of The Daily Clarion -- and no, no newspaper of that name ever existed in San Francisco -- onto a table in the Not-So-Great Hall. The main headline, positioned above a rotogravure of the ludicrously moustachioed David Anders, shouts, "DIABOLICAL DEATH AT CLUB FANTOME." The text of the story itself is mostly blurred but does manage to reveal that "about a hundred" people died when the cabaret burst into flames "at the stroke of midnight." "Looks like [the Doormat]'s friend might not be so crazy after all," Phoebe notes. "It seems the Count's club," she continues, referencing the article, "was 'the biggest, most corrupt in the city' right until it burned down, killing everyone inside." Raige, leaping to entirely unwarranted conclusions, wonders why this Count person would torch his own club and then stand there to roast along with everyone else. "Maybe we should talk to George," she muses. At Phoebe's prompting, Raige reveals she believes George to be "somebody who died in the fire." "I think he's a spirit who's possessed Mike," she continues, "and he's crying out for help." "Why would he need help?" Phoebe dims. "The fire happened over a hundred years ago." "Help from the pain of being a lost soul, perhaps?" Drake rather theatrically supposes as he powers into the room from points unknown, toting a rather dusty tome entitled Possessions, Confessions, And Ghostly Obsessions: A Demon's Guide To Everything Magical. Drake dumps the book on the table, parenthetically explaining he used to sell them "lair to lair" back in the day. "Talk about a tough item to move," he adds with a smirk, and good goddamn. This episode just got a massive shot of adrenaline the second he appeared onscreen.
In any event, the book, of its own accord, flips open to an entry on "Lost Souls," which it defines as "spirits of the dead unable to move on because of spiritual confusion." Drake helpfully notes that such confusion tends to be linked to major disasters like "the fires of Gomorrah," "the Flood," and "Pompeii," and I feel like smacking somebody for looping stories from the Old Testament into this show's mythology, but before I get a chance to do so, Drake's book starts jumping around on the table. "Likes to show off," he smiles, as Phoebe and Raige goggle. Eventually, the book spits out a length of rope that stretches up towards the ceiling. There's a heavy, tangled knot halfway up, by the way. "What the hell?" Raige bleats. "Don't be afraid," Drake assures her. "It's simply illustrating a point -- that when souls die at once, the good ones can't move on because the bad ones are holding them back, and vice versa. They're lost, stuck in their respective afterlives, unaware of their tragic fate. It's really...sad, actually." Through all this, the rope has been sliding up and down as if in a tug-of-war between Heaven and Hell. Also, Raige has been gaping at Drake all, "You are totally making this bullshit up as you go along, aren't you?" Heh. Yes, Raige. Yes, he is, but remember the audience's trusty incantation in situations such as this one: Just Go With It, For It Is Always Easier When You Just Go With It.
As the rope shudders back into the book, Phoebe wonders, "If they're unaware, how are we supposed to help George?" A far better question would have been, "If they're unaware, how in fucking hell did George know to possess a security guard with friends on the police force?" But Phoebe's an idiot, so whatever. Also, and this probably goes without saying, we never do learn the answer to that far better question, because this show blows, and I want to die. In any event, Drake hastily exposits that they'll have to enter the lost souls' world via a spell he'll not reveal unless they agree to take him along for the ride. Once they've traveled into the past, or the time loop, or the parallel dimension, or wherever the hell the subsequent scenes are meant to take place, they'll simply have to find a way to vanquish "the bad soul" that's holding all of the good ones back. Phoebe protests mightily that she's not about to let the ex-demon tag along on the trip. "Come on," he grins, "how many chances do we have to go back to the 1890s?" How'd you know it was the 1890s if you were in the other room while Phoebe was supplying that necessary bit of exposition, you big, oddly appealing dork? Oy. Raige needlessly reminds them all that going to the 1890s isn't the problem -- the problem is getting back in one piece. "The spell will only keep us with the souls until the moment they become lost," Drake explains. "In this case, it's when the fire begins." How...convenient. But trust me, it's far from the most conveniently appearing plot contrivance we'll be meeting this evening. Not by a long shot. Raige puckers her lips in frustration and exits to consult other sources as Drake moves in to croon Phoebe into joining him on his merry little jaunt backwards in time to the horrific, ghastly, unspeakable disaster that cost a hundred people their lives. Phoebe begs off, citing her stupid Cosmo interview, but Drake's undeterred. He points out that her power of premonition would be most helpful in this particular situation, and adds, teasingly enough, "It is the next logical step in our whirlwind romance." Despite herself, Phoebe twinkles with delight and beams back at him. "What whirlwind romance?" she grins. "The one we'd be having if we had time," he smirks, cocking his eyebrow. "Come on -- I don't have long to live," he continues. "I'm dying, here, and a soul needs your help. So whaddya say?" Phoebe sighs and shakes her head around a couple of times, but it's clear she's fallen for the Zane. As would I have, frankly, despite his using a line so hoary it didn't even work during the Black Death. I mean, "I'm dying"? That's never pulled tail for anyone anywhere, has it? Oh, wait a minute. It actually turned Susan Lewis into a statutory rapist on E.R. Never mind.