Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT And The Band Played On
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.19.2005
...to the Manor, where Raige has arranged the still-unconscious Phoebe and Drake upon the wicker chairs on the sun porch. I'm just going to assume she was told to move the Grand Cherokee at some point in a scene we'll never see, after which she returned to the Manor and orbed the two from the car into the house. That okay with everyone? Good. The doorbell rings, and it's Elise Rothman, Girl Editor with the Cosmo crew, and I don't care about any of this at all, so let's cut to the end: Elise is horrified to find Phoebe passed out on the sun porch, but Raige assures Elise she'll have Phoebe meet them all at All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me in "a couple of hours." No, you don't need to know anything else about that scene. No, you don't. Shut up and trust me for once, okay? Raige, frazzled, clomps back onto the sun porch and bellows at the ceiling for Piper and the Dolt, who presently orb in with the kids from Venice, where, as Piper peevishly snits, they were about to embark on a gondola ride, so "this better be an emergency." The second she spots the unconscious Feebs, she blurts out something in Eye-talian I'll not be transcribing, as the screen flares and we head back to...
...Cabaret Fantôme, where the piano player's moved on to "The Maple Leaf Rag" while Phoebe and Drake have moved onto Count Rogaine's private sofa. Drake spots Sally Rand or whomever on the stage, which allows Count Rogaine an opportunity to wax both rhapsodic and skeevy about the many wonders of the fan dance. "Is the dance ever performed by a man?" Phoebe coolly replies once he's finished. No, Phoebe, because that would be the gayest thing ever. Ew. Get a grip, woman. And I'm not certain, but this whole otherwise pointless discussion of the fan dance might be the glaring anachronism I've been searching for all evening. I called the fan dancer "Sally Rand," but she didn't become a national sensation until the Chicago World's Fair of 1933. However, in 1893, a San Francisco talent agent named Sol Bloom was hired to concoct and manage the Midway Plaisance at Chicago's World Columbian Exposition, and he ended up introducing the country to both Little Egypt, the infamous belly dancer, and "The Streets Of Cairo," better known as "The Snake Charmer Song." My point? They should have had a fucking belly dancer. Ignorant assholes.
Heh. Got 'em.
Anyway, Phoebe and Drake inquire as to George's whereabouts, thereby allowing Count Rogaine to claim he's been increasingly concerned about George's erratic behavior as of late. Count Rogaine then changes the topic by slyly suggesting -- in a futile attempt to get them out of the nightclub -- that Drake and Phoebe slip across the street to his favorite tobacconist's. He views them as a threat, I guess, but I was actually paying far more attention to the music in the background during all of this to care much one way or the other. When Phoebe agrees to do so if and only if Count Rogaine joins them, Count Rogaine offers them a sad smile along with his regrets as he glances up at the clock to note it's now two minutes to midnight. "The show must go on," he offers by way of explanation as the pianist calls the Count to the stage. Count Rogaine mounts a couple of steps to the applause of the cabaret's oblivious patrons as the piano player swings into "When The Saints Go Marching In." Oh, how cute. Not. Zip it, tinkly boy. Phoebe eyes this all with an oddly bemused smile on her face until one of the club's windows suddenly explodes inwards. Another set of windows quickly erupts in sparks and flame, sending a cluster of hookers and their johns screaming to the floor as the camera pulls this stupid two-step shudder up to the clock, which by now has hit the witching hour. "Right on time!" Phoebe chimes as she and Drake leap from Count Rogaine's table to dodge their way through the ensuing panic. Over beneath the staircase, a pair of explosions hurls the fortune teller against the wall and sends another group of patrons racing towards the back of the bar. "Could've waited until after the show," Drake grumbles as he yanks Phoebe by the hand. "Come on, we have to get to that spot." Meanwhile, people are rushing the exits, only to find the gates slamming shut in their faces and barring themselves, seemingly of their own accord. And after that? Complete mayhem. Fire pouring in through every window. Flaming curtains and beams crashing to the floor. Gaslit chandeliers dropping. And in a nice bit of stunt work, a sudden explosion sends a showgirl hurtling from the balcony at the top of the stairs to crash lifeless onto the carpet below. Phoebe pauses briefly on the landing when she hears Marie screaming for her fiancé. "We have to help her!" Phoebe cries. "We can't!" Drake counters. "We stay, we burn, just like everybody else. Don't worry -- she'll be back tomorrow." And with that, he hustles Phoebe up the remaining flight to the balcony as the screen flares and we head over to...