Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT And The Band Played On
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.19.2005
All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, and hello, scene I shall not be recapping! Raige enters the building, glamours into Phoebe, and Alyssa Milano proves to the world that she's no more skilled at portraying Rose McGowan portraying Raige portraying Phoebe than she was the last time she did it. At least we don't have to endure that fucking lollipop schtick this time around. Long story short, Raige-as-Phoebe makes a complete, bumbling ass out of herself before turning the Cosmo interview into an article All About Raige, and I hate this show, and I want to die, but what I want much, much more than that is for the WB to cancel this shit already, and look at that -- the scene's over! Thank God. Fuck off and die, Charmed.
Nonexistent attic. Phoebe jiggles in with Drake to learn from Piper that they vanquished Count Rogaine's demon "five years ago." She and Drake, over Piper's strenuous objections, determine that the only way to break the loop is to return to the doomed nightclub, whereupon Drake will somehow persuade Sargon to cancel the deal. And that's a stupid idea, because if Sargon exists in the time loop with Count Rogaine and all of the others in the nightclub, then the Glamorous Ladies wouldn't have been able to toast his ass five years ago. God, these people are morons. Nevertheless, Phoebe and Drake arrange themselves on Aunt Pearl's sofa, Drake snaps his fingers to conjure the appropriate spell, and the screen flares to shoot us back over to...
...Cabaret Fantôme, and already something's gone wrong, because Phoebe and Drake have arrived midway through "The Maple Leaf Rag." "We're late," Phoebe quickly realizes, and a cut to the clock confirms they have fewer than three minutes to break the loop. "There's no one at that center table," she frets as Drake hustles her down the stairs. "Your demon is long gone," Count Rogaine smirks, approaching them as they reach the main floor. "In fact, he left one hundred and six years ago right after we made the deal, long before the fire." Phoebe and Drake have the gall to look surprised at this news, despite the fact they should have known Sargon wouldn't be there A WHOLE SCENE AGO. Rrrrgh. HATE. In any event, Count Rogaine shifts into George's voice to make it clear it was he who spoke with Phoebe and Drake at the hospital, as the camera cuts to reveal George and Marie being held at gunpoint in a far booth. As the pianist calls out his introduction of Count Rogaine once more, Count Rogaine alters the script by turning back to Phoebe and Drake while drawing a small derringer from his pocket. "I regret to inform you," he smiles, "that tonight's fan dance has been cancelled." He cocks the gun as the explosions begin, and, as the patrons surrounding them rapidly descend into a panicked frenzy all over again, Count Rogaine squeezes the trigger, plugging a hole in Drake's chest. And here's where the episode really starts falling apart logically. First off, Drake should be dead. Like, right now, because if the fire can kill them as he previously claimed, so can the bullet that just plowed straight through his heart. Secondly, Count Rogaine prances up the stairs to the balcony to dematerialize in Drake's place, and since his presence in the loop was the only thing holding it together, once he's thus found, as he puts it, his "permanent way out," the loop should dissolve of its own accord, and all of these tormented souls should be free. And once that happens, Phoebe should either return to her own body or -- far better yet -- Get Killed In The Process! However, none of these things happen, and once again, an episode I sort of enjoyed the first time I saw it really starts pissing me off the moment I give it any thought at all. As Drake and Phoebe gaze uneasily up a the space the now-gone Count had been occupying, we get a couple of cuts to the screaming and still-doomed patrons before flashing back to...
...the nonexistent attic, where Piper and the Dolt pace the floor. Soon enough, Drake's body flares white with the infusion of Count Rogaine's soul, and he opens his eyes. "Drake?" Piper begins, more than a little worried. "What happened?" she continues as The Drount slowly examines the room before gifting Piper with a crafty leer. "Why isn't Phoebe waking up?" Piper demands. The Drount tosses a too-casual glance in Phoebe's direction and sleepily announces --with a hint of a malicious grin crossing his face, and once again, Billy Zane is too good for this show -- "I suppose she didn't make it." Piper steps back a bit in shock as the Dolt gapes. The camera slides back to the still-smirking Drount and lingers on Phoebe's heaving bosom for a second too long before dropping into the final commercial break. Hey, here's a hint: If you want us to believe Phoebe's dead, tell Alyssa Milano to hold her fucking breath for the five seconds it takes to film her scene. Morons.