Last night, Chris was awful and Phil was great; LaKisha and Melinda were standard great; Haley sucked and you could see her womanly glory; Blake was freakin' awesome; Gina went to the Gina Well one more time with the Pretenders, and Simon loved it; Sanjaya was like whoa; Jordin and Chris R were weirdly fantastic as usual. Ryan appears wearing a pony-hawk, it's lame, nobody laughs. Blake is safe, of course, in a fetching hoodie; LaKisha looks adorable and gets the usual kiss from America; Phil finally knows he's safe, but it turns out confidence makes him look even scarier -- and then he's in the bottom three. That sucks. Melinda has some more simply adorable self-esteem issues and is totally safe, she and last week's bottom-twoer Chris R are adorable together, and then he's safe too. Sanjaya stands and the world holds its breath, then whooos it out again in relief, because he is mysteriously safe! YES! I'm not lying! Haley's in the bottom three with Phil, which puts the universe right again somewhat; Jordin's a safely foregone conclusion. That puts Chris or Gina in the bottom three with Phil and Syndrome or whatever that girl's name is. Then Gwen Stefani sings with Akon (?) and her little Japanese girls that she keeps in her luggage, and the song sounds like "Cherish" on a bag of pixie sticks with a Robitussin chaser. You'll be happy to know that Gwen's crotch is still her major singing apparatus. Why does she do that gouty dancing? She's always done it. I think she still wants us to think she's legit and the constipation-locomotion is her version of pimp-walking or the Rockaway, or I don't know, popping an Ollie or whatever the kids are into. The song goes on forever and the major words are "Woo! Hoo!" Fifty verses of gynecology later, Sligh leaves Gina in the stands and heads for the bottom three. Killing Strike, Ryan Seacrest! Use it! FATALITY! First, though, Haley is not safe, and Phil is safe. Again. The boy's constitution cannot take this every week, Ryan. He's unwell. Down to Haley and Sligh, who are the two people that should be in the bottom two. Thanks, America. How about a twofer? Nope. Haley was "rough," "old-fashioned" and "forgettable"; Sligh was off the beat and a "mess." Sligh starts making snotty faces before the results are revealed, Haley's safe, the fatality is delivered. Seacrest! Wins! A whole journey of Chris Sligh's personality going from awesome to horrific as it revealed itself to be tissue-thin, and then he slumps his lazy ass through another round of "Every Little Thing She Does Is Making Me Take A Boring Whiny Nap Right On Stage." week, Tony Bennett. HA! Take THAT, Joe R!
"So we're into the single digits now, but whose number is up? Who's going home? And how will Sanjaya wear his hair? This is American Idol." I love his construction when he does that: "Everything is horrible and pointless, and this show is non-nutritious to the utmost. Here's what you did, America: This is American Idol." Camera doofus #3 pulls away from Sanjaya, just missing his reaction shot to Ryan coming out in a fake ponytail mohawk that, while fake, is scarily like Sanjaya's from last night. All we see is him laughing. Dumb. Well, live. But dumb anyway. Simon looks at Ryan like he's never really seen him before: it's like in West Side Story. The overture from The Little Mermaid plays as Simon gazes at him. Randy's just...incredibly nervous, I think, about the mohawk. "I've been Sanjaya'd!" Ryan shouts proudly. I'm pretty sure that means getting dumped on your ass at a highway rest stop with no money in your pocket, but Ryan would know, wouldn't he? He finally shakes off the wig and goes back to looking particularly perfect. I can't believe he didn't chuck it at Simon...there he goes! I know these boys so well. That's awesome.
"Last night, there was No Doubt it was going to be a big night!" Heh. So: Jordin was awesome, Chris R was boring, Sligh and Phil were boring and troubling at once. Simon praised Phil and called Sligh a mess, Doolittle and LaKisha both sang Donna Summer, stupidly in concept but awesome in execution, Haley picked Lauper to ruin this week, Paula loved Blake's amazing "Lovesong," I was driven actually insane by it, Gina finally bit the Pretenders bullet, and Simon loved it but fucked around with her mind anyway. Sanjaya was a fucked-up freakshow lunatic some more, but Ryan made some cute faces about it. Sanjaya was silly and clueless some more, and Simon realized that he is a loose cannon that cannot be trusted because he's out to destroy the entire franchise.
Pimpmercial: "I Fought The Law," with adorable Sherriff Jordin hanging signs for "The Kid," played by Chris R. He comes into town on a horse, and it makes me feel sick to say this, but Chris R is hot as a dirty cowboy. That's the only way his unwashed vibe works. Blake is amazing at everything, Gina's hyperactive, everybody dancing around, Jordin and Chris stare each other down, then all the Idols drive up in cars to back her up. Chris R runs away on his horse, and they chase him, and...it's kind of awesome. Howe weird. Phil looks bizarre and creepy, of course, as a cowboy, just like everything else, and they finally surround Chris, and then he has to wash their cars. Which is ironic because he's come so far to end up right where he started. It's like Showgirls, but real life.
Bottom row: Blake, stunning in a hoodie; Lakisha looking like she's at a job interview; Phil nearly dropping dead; Doolittle looking at the floor so we won't see how utterly unconcerned she is right now; Chris R looking concerned. Top row. Oh yes there will be blood: Sligh, Gina, Jordin, Haley, Sanjaya. You wanna be in the bottom row, basically. Ryan gets us started: Blake's "Lovesong": safe. No judge talk because there are so many of them. LaKisha's "Last Dance": safe. Phil sang "Every Breath You Take" like it was the last breaths he'd ever take, and he's in the bottom three. His cheesy grin turns into lip biting, and he slumps toward the stage and leaves Blake hangin' in his depression. Don't you ever. Doolittle tries desperately to appear afraid, then is safe. Better than, actually. She and Chris R make hilarious "ooooo" sounds at each other, defusing the stress, and it's adorable and intense. He's safe, though he was in the bottom two last week. He swallows and then busts out in a huge geeky grin. Blake's happy about it for a sec, then looks not very subtly up at the top row to figure out who's left.
Sanjaya and his "Bathwater" aren't even in the bottom three. Nobody can believe it. Jordin's happy, but like intransitively. Haley already knows she's in the bottom three for what she did to "True Colors"; she's in the bottom three. Gina and Ryan both grab her hand as she walks past, and she just tells them both to chill, quietly. See? I like her and then she's...I dunno. Confusion. Jordin makes a sad face as Haley hugs Phil. Ryan, at some point in here, calls Haley "Stacey," which is funny because she's pointless but makes sense because of how that's Phil's last name. Jordin and her Shirley Temple virgin version of "Hey Baby" are safe; Gina's happy for her. This leaves Sligh and Gina, which is actually suspenseful, because they're kind of the same person and one of them has to go. She's like the better version of him anyway, so it's fine, but Ryan's not playing around: first the commercial, then Gwen sings with Akon, and then who knows what will happen. Gina's like, "Fucking great."
A cute lady sitting in the front row won the thing this week. This week's question is, "Which Birmingham person was the Velvet Teddybear?" Is it Bo? No, he's the Velvet Colonoscopy. Is it Taylor? No, he's the Velvet Cirrhosis. Must be Rooooooben. Ryan begs for other companies besides ExxonMobile to contribute to the whole Idol Gives Back thing that I still don't get. I think it's a pyramid scheme. Like the Boy Scouts.
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Remember last night, when the Top Ten were "awestruck" by Gwen Stefani, who is the "embodiment of style" and comprises in herself the concept of "pure performance"? Ryan, stop talking like Paula. Then Gwen sings the title track of her new album with Akon. And...yep. Racist dollies are there, rocking out. She comes out in quite an outfit: glittery bustier, school shirt and tie, tights, crotch in your face like always, singing about how she's a broken refrigerator, in "True Blue"/"Cherish" mode. Compares herself to a high-carb dessert that you should stick in your mouth? Check. Talks about money at fucking length, but spends almost as much time reassuring herself that it's okay to be rich? Check. Nonsensical expostulations and mouth noises? Check. Weird bisexual activities with prenominate racist dollies? Check. They all gather in a circle around her, extremely hunched, and worship her platinum hair. Overactive gay backup guys with fauxhawks? Check. Awesome choreography? Check. At least there's dancing, which makes a lot of her songs a lot better. I pretty much adore her, but she's still from Anaheim and that will never change, and it often looks like she's never going to get over it: Name-checking fifteen different designers? Check. One verse too long? World of check. Some girl holds up a sign: GWEN IS MY HOMEGIRL. And you can tell it's true, and they really are homegirls because of the lower-back-tattoo kanji scrawled on the sign: CUTEST DESTRUCTION THE ONE WITH YOUR FAULTY FREE KISSING FOR AUSPICIOUS DVD FIVE TIMES.
Ryan's happy to see Akon, and then they talk about her tour, how she's taking little Kingston on the road, "And I get to take Akon with me!" she says. I guess he goes in a different piece of luggage from her little Japanese girls. Man, you gotta pack light. Ryan's like, "As a playmate for Kingston, huh?" Hmm. I would punch him in the box for that if I were just starting out as a rapper and got this shitty job in the first place. Gwen's related to the shady pyramid scheme in some way, and they talk about how she's going to sing a song sometime, or something. She doesn't love Ryan as much as she should. That makes me angry. They're pretty much the same person. You know what, I respect Gwen Stefani too much to say that she's the living embodiment of this show, so I retract that statement. Obviously that's Fergie. Or possibly Nelly fuckin' Furtado. Gwen is more like the embodiment of...2004.
Still waiting on Sligh and Gina, by the way. Here we go. Gina sang "I'll Stand By You" from deep within her bi-curious heart; Sligh sang "Every little Thing She Does Is Magic" while fighting off a myocardial infarction or asthma attack. It's Sligh that's going down to the bottom three. Gina's weirded out by this whole process, but that's the only reaction I'm getting. So this is the bottom three: Phil, Haley, and Sligh. One is safe -- that'll be Phil -- and Haley/Stacey/Syndrome...you are...not...it. It's Phil. He kisses Haley and hugs Sligh and then stumbles back to the bench, grabbing his crotch. Randy calls Syndrome/Sligh a "tough call" and a "hard call Dawg," and I guess so. Why not just kick them both off? Wouldn't that give Sanjaya a free week? I'm all for that. Paula says it's "never" a fun time, this time that happens every week that she knows about in advance. She says they both "deserve really great warmth from the audience" and seeing that Paula's in jeopardy, Ryan jumps in there: "Simon, you don't know the results, what do you think?" And though I do not trust this show, I honestly think he doesn't. He's that good. I will never question whether Simon knows the results ahead of time. "I think it's bye-bye Curly," he says, and I cross my fingers that this isn't the first time he's wrong in the history of time. After over 30 million votes, we...still don't get to know.
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Haley was "a little rough, "too old-fashioned," "safe," and "forgettable." Sligh was off the beat, had a good tone, but was a mess. He immediately starts with the stupid bitchy faces into the camera. The terrified Haley...is safe. Sligh's bitchy faces become tackier but also sadder, and I kind of feel bad for him, a little bit. He had no idea, ever, what was going on, because he hasn't climbed enough of the ladder yet to know that there's more ladder, so all of this has just been really coincidental and beyond his control the entire time, and there's nothing you can do about it. We journey with Sligh, through the tears of Hasselhoff and comparing this show to his wedding day, being snotty in various locations, thinking he's so deep and smart, being touched by Blake Lewis all over the place, doing horrible dances. Sligh watches himself be obnoxious and hops all over the place and smiles at his memories. "I just wanna be able to do what I love," he says, and blows us a stupid kiss. Ryan calls him "one of the most clever contestants we've ever had," and says quietly, "I'm gonna miss you, bro." Chris says even more quietly, "I'm gonna miss you too." Aww. That kind of got to me.
He's sad and not feeling this, but he mans up. I will give him that. His voice is still whiny but a bit deeper -- I think the frog is helping, as it so often does -- and his wife pretends to cry. He's shaking. Like physically shaking. I feel kind of bad for him. Then the chorus starts, and I remember how bad I hate him. If he resolved to call me up even one time, much less many times a day, I would change my number. I would never marry him, in "thumb old-fashioned way" or otherwise. He hugs Chris R and Blake, and of course as the Frank Grimes is not really loving Blake, hugs Doolittle while ignoring her, hugs Phil and screams another rehearsed joke to nobody about "You owe me fifty bucks!" The top row is completely over it, because they were just on the line and don't care to be in his dramatic movie anymore. Angle on the bunch and Blake and Chris R are surprised by something or another; perhaps they are not sad to see him go. I think maybe Sligh is lonely and I hope he gets older as he ages. week I'm back, with Tony Bennett. Joe R, you owe me real bad.
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