Then the Idols put together a picture of like a lovely country road that they can drive their pimpmercial cars down, while singing "Pocketful Of Sunshine" in boring, monotone voices, but they look very pretty. What , Ryan. Let's do this already. Nope: Ruben Studdard. In a white-piped black suit, singing a song that goes like this: "Yeaah, yeaaahhh, uh huh, yeahhhh" before anything happens, and then what happens is pretty simplistic. He can sing, you know? That's great for him. But I'm not at church and Ruben makes me feel like I am eternally at church. "Woo!" he goes. I didn't watch S2 or S3 of this show, because I saw Clay Aiken's audition tape and I was like, "He's going to win, or go far enough that it's going to be gross, and therefore I am done with this show." Not that there's anything particularly wrong with Clay Aiken, but that's not the kind of TV I am interested in watching. I don't have a whole lot of time for TV so I try to make it count, which is why I watch The Hills in the first place.
So a little bavardage about how they flew to Detroit some more, and then: screaming meemies in the audience, yes, Adam is safe of course, so whatever. Matt had a solid performance and was a front-runner, but is IN THE BOTTOM THREE. Mike goes, "Bullcrap!" and it's really cute. Matt heads over to the stools while his people in the audience freaks out because people are booing this decision, and somehow they think that he is being booed, so they get all stressed out and weird about it. Nice. Megan says something weird to Adam, who is not interested, and then Kris stands up. The judges liked him, but think he needs more self-belief. Simon laughs at this. Ryan goes, "And Kris... Wow. You too... Are safe." Kris has been gotten once again. Then Ryan asks Lil and Mike to stand up together. Now that's just mean.
Michael's song was too big for him, and lacked artistry. That's like, all his songs. Lil sang "Heat Wave" and rushed through it, because it's not a singer's song. Ryan reminds us that other people who sang this song (J. Hud and K. Locke) went to the bottom three. Mike squeezes her and keeps going, "You're fine, don't listen to him, don't worry about it." He is so great, I'm going to be sad to see him leave in about 35 minutes. Ryan goes, "Believe it or not, you also..." and she makes this good-natured WTF face like, "OMFG, I am Lil Rounds, please. Don't tell me there's been a mistake about that!"
Wait, what's going on? Anoop. He is safe. Hold up. Allison is safe, Anoop was a little boring even though he was technically wonderful, according to the male Judgery, but he's safe of course. Danny gives him some encouragement, and then it's his turn (mad applause and a dumb smile). "Get Ready" was clumsy and amateurish, but the ladies and the audience disagreed. America, predictably, loved him, because Jesus grew him in a lab to be loved.
Megan holds onto Scott like a drowning woman while Adam's soul slowly dies inside behind them. Scott's song was "Can't Hurry Love," which the fellas found cheap and "hotel." Megan's "For Once In My Life" was a horrible trainwreck, which reminder causes her to have sixteen stupid facial expressions in a row. But the one in the bottom three? Scott. Megan's totally freaked out by this, and quickly and sweetly goes into action, offering to direct him across the stage. Which of course would leave her hanging out in the middle of the stage like parsley and Ryan won't let that happen, plus he's got it all figured out ahead of time, so he gets the other two guys to come to the middle and Scott to just join them.
Matt, Michael and Scott. Who deserves to not be standing here right now? The audience screams MATT and Mike points at Matt like, obviously people, because we're all in agreement about Matt. Randy agrees, and then it's time to send one back. And who goes back? Scott. His family goes wild, and all the little Idols reach out and touch him so he knows what's up, and it's clearly a natural thing at this point for all of them, which makes me feel pretty good about everything. Onstage, Mike is pretty much already out the door and Matt G looks like he's about to throw up everything anybody ever ate.
Ryan wants to do something "very special" in a second, but first where is Simon's "head at" w/r/t the PoV. Simon says obviously people don't like Matt and Mike, so it's going to have to be based on the final performance of whoever it is. Which is a great idea, but not actually that true, given the time constraints we've seen and the fact that at least half the Judgery can't make up their minds to agree with themselves, much less each other. So when it does happen, that will be pretty awesome because they all have to agree on it in like five seconds and be like, "We're doing this? We're doing it." But that won't happen in those five seconds, and it's silly to pretend that OH! STEVIE WONDER! LOOK!
That is very special. How exciting! I love Stevie Wonder. That song "I Believe When I Fall In Love With You It Will Be Forever" is the greatest. I only know like two albums by him, I should investigate further. He asks everybody to sing along with "Ma Cherie Amour," which always makes me think of Kate Hudson getting her stomach pumped. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's like a pleasant memory for me. Then he goes to the keyboards and sings "Superstitious." It's funny to be bald and have cornrows at the same time. It makes him look like a science fiction movie. He also looks about forty years old, which is witchcraft also. Stevie Wonder is so many fabulous things.
They judges chat about it and say they've not decided, and Ryan's like, "There's another show coming on in a second." Kara pleads with him to let it go, because she thought Mike was good, and then... Ryan, you screwed it up and let them dick around too long and now the recording has cut off. Hmm, I wonder what they did?
Assuming of course correctly that Mike was eliminated, one supposes that they took him on a video journey of all the times that he was adorable with Ryan, and Ryan got giddy about it in spite of himself, and a bunch of shots of him being super nice to the other contestants, and then playing the "at least you get to be with your daughter" card, and he probably cried because he's not a crybaby but he is a crier, which is hot, so probably that happened, and Danny probably did an ass-poor job of pretending to care, and then Megan did a Mexican Hat Dance for no reason, and Kara sang drunkly some more, and Ryan went home and made little cuts on his leg because he failed to bring it in under an hour yet again, but then probably Simon brought him a balloon bouquet to remind him that he does his best every single day at eighty-seven different jobs while looking mint condition, and how many of us can say that, and made him a mojito and gave him a pedi with that new scrub they like best that smells like apples and cypress, and Ryan fell asleep in his little tuxedo on the couch, and probably in the morning, the dog licked his hand until he woke up, and he went out onto the veranda with his morning protein shake, and smiled into the rising sun, because today is Friday.