That was like talking to Mariah Carey. That was like he pulled Mariah out of his personal.
Ryan pushes to get Raymond to admit something -- something about his old enemy Raymond, perhaps? -- but he's not feeling that. This becomes something of a theme in this episode, Ryan's uncomfortable insights and his need for you to discuss them.
Siobhan tells us how great it was to meet Usher, and she tells him he makes her "wicked nervous." She seems to be honest about this in every way. You can't ever fucking tell with that girl. She'll be singing "Through The Fire," which Usher didn't think she could sing but then she could, and then they talk about clothes. Siobhan explains that this is relevant, nay necessary, because she dresses like a mental patient. Is it worse or better for us that she knows this? Did she recently figure this out?
Ryan admires Siobhan's "Missy Elliot" boots, and Ellen stays very quiet in lesbian closet sisterhood, and then Siobhan sings what is apparently a Chaka Khan song through her nose like she's having a fit. She has Greek Goddess braids in front of a ratty Bumpit, and a chunky thigh-revealing skirt, and then she... Fucks it alllllllll up. DAMN.
The Scream doesn't sound so great, even surrounded as it is by shitty flat notes and pointless muddy tone. A second Scream does a bit more heavy lifting, but... I think we have seen Siobhan for the last time. She's always felt like a precious gift the elves would one day steal back, but after that shit I can't even say I'll be sad about it. I mean, there's so many people to get rid of first, but who knows.
Randy tells her this was the worst thing she's ever done, but is in fact courageous, and he likes her insane Phantom Of The Paradise boots. Ellen was embarrassed to be in her line of sight while she ate that song's lunch. Kara can't believe how shitty it was, although she's earned at least one off night by being the best to Crystal. I hope people hear that. Simon says it was like she'd run a marathon and was singing without breath. Then American pisses him off by booing for no reason, because America is stupid. He also hates her complex fashion look.
Kara reminds him that she's amazing, and then Siobhan whines at him -- ouch -- so he says when she hears herself later she's going to be as disgusted as we are. Ryan calls Simon a fat old queen and makes Siobhan tell us why -- in her lovely gown -- she chose the song. Siobhan says she chose it because it was hard, and that she was proud to have given it a shot. Siobhan would seem to believe that she is allowed to speak to Simon, and is taking full advantage of this right. She's just going to pull all the bullshit tonight, I guess. Here I thought this whole time it was Didi who would crack and eventually stagedive into oblivion.
Whatever, this non-song. I'm not worrying about you. Casey's deaths-head manic grin screams "I'm Having Fun!" while his dead eyes whisper limply, "I'm maybe too stupid to spell the word 'fun.'" Every person who has ever played an instrument in the history of instruments is somewhere onstage playing while he screams and yowls and plays his stupid guitar and rocks out. Then he sucks on his own soul patch, which makes me want to throw up.
Speaking of, I can't disagree with Randy when he shouts about how it was a "perfect selection and choice" for Casey. He did that song very well. Ellen talks about how everybody loved it, but that it was stupid and generic just like the audience, who boos enough to almost annoy her: This is the safe zone. Ellen? Meet Casey. He's too dumb to find his way out of that zone into another zone. Kara tells him to stretch vocally because it's a goddamn vocal contest, and he promises to do so, and this is a lie. Simon says that last week -- we had a show last week? -- he was awful or something, but that this was his strongest week. Which is totally true, just not a good thing. For us or him. Kara sucks on her cheeks and stares right into space while Simon loves on him. Casey looks pretty good tonight, in his funny military jacket and the ponytail which, apparently, I have just gotten used to. Ryan asks if he's going to keep with the fucking guitar and he's like, "Yes, week I'm singing an acoustic song while I play it." Then his friends, who are a road show of Roadhouse, hoot and holler and kick shit.
I don't think I realized how much I was holding onto Siobhan until she let me down. I still haven't watched last week's performances, not a one. I mean, I hate this show for sure, but I really thought I would have gone back and watched a couple of them. So then Casey nearly cries about how much he loves the scummy song he sang, so I guess with Siobhan what happens was that she pushed right past the interviewer into the cage of children, and that's why we got the peek. Neat. And sad.
Big Mike will now be singing a totally beautiful song by indI@.ar13, or however dumb '90s way she spells her name, while playing guitar. "Ready For Love." What if Big Mike did the best thing tonight? I would like that because as long as he's only doing lady covers, do a great one, but then, I don't really want the soundbite to be, "Big Mike was the best on R&B Night." Not because it's not true or not okay to be true, but he's not... I mean, he's Hootie. This is him crossing lines into R&B. But maybe that's why it's soooo dang good. Great voice, neat instruments backing it up, nice simple guitar, but his voice is gorgeous.
I mean, does his voice sound good? Sounds good to me, except when he stares at me, and then it sounds like a threat. But he hits way more notes than usual, and when he forgets to shave you feel a little better about yourself watching this happen. There are some sweeping sort of Bublé notes in there that are really pleasant, and he's a neat kid, so speaking from there, I'm pleased. I hope Ryan doesn't get up in his brain like he's been trying to do tonight, because so far it hasn't worked out well. Maybe all of Ryan's jobs are blending together and he thinks this is the group therapy session he leads on Monday mornings at that community center, or the AA meetings he hosts Tuesday nights during the commercial breaks or something.
Jackson praises him for same, but worries about the lack of "swag" on it, and then demonstrates vibrato, and basically tries to commandeer the camera forever. Everybody is tired by the time he's done. Then Ellen 1) Fucks with drinking game players by calling him "adorable" a million times, 2) Notes how hard the song was but that he was mostly on key for once, 3) Says he prowled the stage like he was sneaking into a bedroom -- cracks him right up! -- and 4) Goes, "We see you coming at us, we can see you. You're heading right toward us, stop trying to be sneaky!" It's really cute. Best Ellen moment ever, I think. It's okay, he excites me too.
Kara says it was Broadway and Vegas but uncommercial that he took the soul out, making it soulless, and that he needs to stop being old and boring because that's not why we like him. Simon is so on that train that's he's gone around to the other end of the tunnel and is like, "You can literally do any fucking stupid thing you want and then all you have to do is smile and be super sexy. So like, on the one hand, you're a ruiner, but on the other, congratulations for doing everything wrong and still being okay week." Like hot people need explanation on how their looks help.
After the break, he's still giggling and talking about how nice everybody is to you all the time, then Ryan talks black at Randy and vice versa. It's super weird, but at least you have something to think about while boring-ass Andrew sings "Forever" by boring-ass girl-hitting Chris Brown. Usher takes off his shades and gazes into Andrew's empty eyes for awhile, figures out that there's nothing going on in there, and then does the "pretend we're lovers" deal again, and apparently it serves whatever purpose it's supposed to serve, to the point that Andrew made Usher love the song even more than he did before.
The guitar sounds really good onstage, and Andrew's good voice is back, plus some weird tactics in the voice and the mental image of dorks getting married. Andrew kind of is like an internet meme that was intended as a joke but suddenly became a thing we all agreed to. I mean, just hearing this song makes me cry because I love weddings and joyful folks, and that song is made of both, but come on Andrew. We know your entire thought process like a Visible Man doll. You literally went with the first song you thought of.
You know, but weddings are like wearing fur. It's destructive and classless, but if you're going to do it anyway -- if your grandmother gave you a fur coat or something, what, you're going to leave it to rot in a closet somewhere? -- why not just put it on and go for a ride in an automobile, or to a gala? If you're already married, no problem. If it's a really big deal to you to get married in 2010, I say do it up. Getting married is like crystal methamphetamine. I know it's tacky and hateful, but my house has never been so clean!
Getting married is like Randy Jackson...
Heh. So Ellen loved it, and even Kara notes that he's finally pulled it together and turned in one thing that didn't fucking suck: He's staying in his box, but in a way that doesn't expose his retardedness. Simon accuses Andrew of being boring, and America has the unmitigated gall to actually boo. Then Andrew's stupid mother gets up in there and attacks Simon and shrieks and yells into Ryan's chest mic, and it's so stupid, and it's soooo going to work. One more week with fucking Andrew's stupid fucking Victor Mature wig and obnoxious glasses and inability to do anything interesting, ever.
Katie lies and says she's nervous, but really she's totally chill because she already met him, at Epcot, and does her terrifying professional thing that ends up making Usher nervous, and then she sings in her powerful voice, and Usher brings up some dumb idea about adding pizzazz to the performance, and staring at random people in the audience. Katie delivers some kind of amazing dissertation on what Usher said, what he meant, and what was behind what he meant. Katie Stevens is smarter than all of us. She manages to find worth in it when Usher says some words with a straight face: "You are wise beyond your years in terms of your energy you got it."
Then she sings "Chain Of Fools," and in a desperate attempt to make her salable again, everybody talks about how hard the song is to sing, but that's not actually necessarily true: You can do whatever you want with it. It's attempted versus landed, like in ice skating. So Katie sings the song in her Katie voice, and it sounds beautiful, even though that song is like so old.