Randy gives a standing ovation/blah blah speech on the level of old Paula; Ellen points out how educational the song is ("Men have made the car and the train... Women by the way made the medical syringe and the... Water heater, everybody. Don't forget it," she deadpans, which is just a much funnier way of saying what I said above, but then she gets paid more than me.) Kara says she finally understands what Mike is always about and says he has shown her that he can be a great artist, and she and Simon agree that whatever he ate in the last week was a whole lot of food. Simon calls it all very pussycat-to-lion and thanks him for getting back in the box that nobody including himself ever put him in. Which is a bummer, because do the crazy thing instead. Mike tosses around more jokes about him getting a pedicure when they found out -- and did you know he has a baby? -- and then Ryan's like, "I was getting a manicure," and nobody laughs. Because it is not a joke.
up: John Park loses his Hood Pass. First we talk about his a capella group Purple Haze, and he tells us a... Cool Story, Jeopardy Teen-style. If John Park is a bimbo that will make him so much, much awesomer. Then we learn that he moved to Korea from Chicago when he was six, and then back here in fourth grade. That's a crazy period of time to be anywhere, developmentally speaking, but that's still really interesting.
Surprisingly I don't know this John Mayer song. I never hated John Mayer, although I never liked his music, and now it's not on to like either him or his music. I guess unless you're John Park, who is going crazy on this song, which is the slowest boringest song of all songs. Is this what John Mayer is like? Is JP souling it up or something? I can't see this song being more boring but I could imagine it being less so, and anyway JP didn't write this song. So his voice? Very nice, very forgettable. He should take off his shirt, I bet he would sing a lot prettier that way.
Randy feels that it was less spicy and way less good than the original. Ellen preferred the song choice to last week and asks for even more soul than he heaped up on top of it, but then explains also that she means he needs to have emotions and show us them. Kara says that he is emotionally dishonest and/or unbelievable, but either way he needs to cut loose and stop being safe. Seriously, exactly. Simon thinks he's going home for that boring "So What" Performance, and echoes Kara's believability issues. Kara and Randy, only one of them is operating at full at any given time. They're like those witches in Clash Of The Titans only instead of an eyeball, it's common sense.
Simon: "Tonight, you have no grit."
Casey: "I have no grit? That hurts my feelings."
Everybody: "Hugs for Casey!"
Simon: "...More like sand."
Kara: "More like dirt. More like dirt!"
Ryan: "Holy! Shit!"
Kara: "But I still like you!"
Paula: "ROOKIE MISTAKE!"
So I guess this is a reverse bus-throw where they're being so mean to him and he is being so puppy-dog pretty that he'll be safe. But honestly he was safe anyway, so maybe they're just being honest about how boring and fake that was. He has no idea what they are talking about, though, so it's a wash. Up : Alex Lambert's Hair does some John Legend. Dude. If he sang "Green Light" I would fucking sprout wings and fly to Mars. I would take back all the shit-talking about his wiggum and start doing my hair that way. But probably he will sing some boring unending Alicia Keys-related dirge about looooooove and how you treat your lady.
Lambchop talks about his stage fright and general inability to perform under pressure, and says that tonight he will be "legit" which is so lame that it cracks Ryan up, and then Ryan just openly laughs at his jokes because he's such a cute and funny little thing. He tells us how he was a little kid he made up his own language, which he uses to fill in melodies before he writes his own lyrics. Which is all very Hopelandic of him and frankly adorable and you're like, I cannot wait to hear this shit, but then he starts SPEAKING IN TONGUES. His language that he made up is called BEING IN A CULT.
Alex Lambert! Hair or no hair my hat is off to you. I think he is now my pick for American Idol. Not even my precious weirdo Haeley could be counted upon to start singing in Enochian rune language. I love it when people finally let you in and show you their weird things! Obviously that is the best part of knowing people! ...To a point.
"Everybody Knows" is the song that Lambchop's singing, Ryan still loves him so totally, and then he pulls out his acoustic and sings the song with a totally fantastic mashup voice of Legend himself and, like, Death Cab Ben. Look at him doing so great! Little guitar, little feet swinging, dimples out the ass. This must be what it's like when you have a relative on this show, like, "Um, how good this actually is? Not really relevant."
Randy: "I have my own language too!" WE KNOW. Then he tells him that he was "way legit," which if Randy Jackson tells you that, how are you supposed to feel? Ellen pronounces him "fully ripened" and says he has become totally magical. I agree, I was counting him out. She also likes his overall musical style, which is so strange and impressive and unknown, which I also like. Kara says we will all vote for him as he grows and learns and outpaces every person in the universe. Awesome.
Simon loved it also, and gives him the following fantastic advice, which I will be Post-Itting above my computer post-haste: "The only time you should be nervous is if you're useless." Isn't that a phrase that should be slightly edited into a wonderful pithy saying? On the other hand, he doesn't think Alex is playing to win, and wishes he could just pick Alex's songs himself. So amazing. Additionally, stop whining about his nerves and boring us with being a child all over us. That was the greatest judging round I think I've ever seen. Ryan then presses a little button somewhere on the back of Alex's shoulder that causes him to say words, and responds that his own failures are Simon's greatest thrill, so Simon of course says 1) Ryan is a constant source of thrills, and then Ryan 2) calls him "sire" and 3) Bows before him. That is the hat trick, ladies and gents. Emph on "trick."
Kris Allen: Still unable to understand technology and drive at the same time.
Todrick got heat for changing the Kelly C song last week, and seems serious about trying to rework things in the right way, and has chosen Tina Turner this week. I've always thought he was one of the smartest people we've ever seen on this show, I think it every week but I've only said it once, and I do tend to get along really well with dancers, so probably this is the reason that I hate him so much: There are so many reasons to like him that the gigantor reasons to hate him are even gigantorier.
Well, it's not going to be "Private Dancer," and because it's Todrick we won't figure out what it is for awhile... Oh, it's a slowed down sexy version of "What's Love Got To Do With It"! And it's so good! This is beautifully arranged. Somebody should record this version (unless they already have, in which case he's still a genius for doing it). Wow, Todrick. This is already one of the highlights and we haven't even gotten to the... Yep, there's the big build-up breakdown, which is pretty excellent as well. The voice is not flawless but the construction of this is so, so tight and lovely, and the last falsetto run is just about the prettiest thing. That was like Matt Giraud gorgeous. That was fucking fantastic.
Randy hates the rearrangement, because he is a dickhead and wants Todrick to stop doing the thing that he is best at. Fuck off, Randy. Surely the other people will be cooler. Ellen questions his onstage performance and says he should dance more; I can't speak to this because I was loving the song so much and I didn't want to look at the screen and hate him again. Boo, Ellen. Kara joins the pileup and tells him to get simple and boring and stupid and tells him to go back to being "unique Todrick," which is the opposite. Simon tells him to go home and stop singing.
Anyway Jermaine invites them to church with him, and then goes a bridge too far by asking Simon to recommend his song week, which turns Simon right off. Ellen recommends some songs that impress Randy, and then Jermaine babbles about God for a long, long time. Kara's like, "Maybe He can save your ass."
This episode is really fun.
...So of course it's time for Andrew to once again drag us through the rollercoaster of transcendence and mediocrity that is his hallmark. I knew things were going too well. Unless he finally pulls his shit together now, which would be great. He starts his package with some breakdancing, which he calls "just like music" because you can be "free with it," and then does more annoying talk-noise. We revisit how they Todrick'd him last week with the Fall Out Boy song.
(Oh, which reminds me: I am really sorry that I didn't know Pete wrote the lyrics for them. Or that his name was "Pete." Or that he was anything more than a waggling webcam penis drunk on eyeliner. I mean, on the one hand God forbid I get the facts wrong about Fall Out Boy -- and it really is a splendid penis, as far as that kind of thing goes -- but on the other hand I really do love their lyrics, unironically, and have believed this wrong thing for so long that it stopped being up for debate years ago. So now instead of being Perfect Patrick Stump and El Guyliner, it's now two awesome guys, and that makes me happy because I adore Ashlee Simpson and wish her all the best. ("Boys" is my jam.) on the agenda, then, is learning to celebrate all the members of Fall Out Boy as human beings. Wish me luck.)
Wait, what song is this? It seems like Joe Cocker-meets-Righteous Brothers by way of total laziness. Back it up. James Morrison, "You Give Me Something." What I know about James Morrison: They keep saying his name, and he's a different person than James Blunt. A lot of things just fell into place. The chorus, which includes the title, is reminiscent in the way that only a ubiquitous cell-phone commercial can do for you. I'm going to assume that's the deal.
Smooth, pointless, delicious and calorie-free. Just what Andrew has decided to bring to the table. Randy points out that it was "pitchy all over the place," although it tried, and directs Andrew back to the singer-songwriter "vibe" they shit on him about last week. Ellen boos Randy (high five to DG!) and says the problem is how much they loved "Straight Up," which I agree about that in at least two ways, and then offers to tattoo his name on her neck. NICE. Even nicer the Ellen™ thing that follows where she's like, "No, I won't really." Kara, like Randy, tells him to do the opposite of what they told him last week and get weird again. I mean, I agree, but Good Lord. Simon tells him to stop being boring, which is a fool's errand because while Andrew is an early fave and very talented, boring is not, just like his neck tattoo, something he can just turn off.
up: Aaron Kelly, who just became Alex Lambert's whipping boy about twenty minutes ago. I hope he's scared -- not bad-scared, excellence-scared -- because he's exactly that sweet/soft boy that never makes it past the Top 24 weeks and you always wonder what was going to happen with them. But first: There are now more teen runaways on the streets of Austin than there are people in Marfa. Which is hilarious that Fox News is making that comparison, because Marfa's population is made up entirely of adult runaways.
A-Kel is an amateur photographer who feels constricted in all areas of life but his photographic art. "I'm seeing things about myself through the camera," he says, segueing to talking about the cameras of this show. He is just about the sweetest thing in the universe. They show him giving his post-show interview last week, and Simon walks by and says "Good job," and he completely loses it. Like, turns into a basketful of puppies right there in front of you. That is the cutest thing.
"My Girl," you say? Ooh, and weird sassy snake-dancing back and forth. He is working that stage like the Jo Bros are on his tail. Wouldn't it be awesome if the Jonas Brothers were like Menudo and when they turned 18 they were "sent to live on a farm" and then Aaron Kelly could have a job instead of acting like this on American Idol? Because this is a theatrical performance, shooting those hips all the way out to the cheap seats, and... We are not in a theatre, we are right up in his Proactiv area. So it's a lot to, like, deal with. All in all, his voice sounds lovely and the only thing that stops him from being so super boring is that he seems to be the kind of kid you want to adopt. Or hang from the rearview, Paula-style.
Ellen wonders about the song choice, but Kara really loved it. She finds him consistent and controlled, both of which are true, but weirdly she says that this is great because it's less confusing for her. What a Randy thing to say. Simon's like, "You're sixteen. Which is sad, because you're great but you dicked up the song. Think Justin Bieber. Lose your dignity, stop sounding old-fashioned [word] and go full Jo Bro." Kara says he was original with the song, but she's just wrong, and then Ryan makes Aaron very nervous by putting him on the spot about being a Bieber fan, and it's adorable in every way. Not least because Aaron has finally made up his mind about Ryan Seacrest, and the answer is Yes.
Ryan pulls Kara's hair out of her mouth and kicks it to Tim Urban. His family is four brothers and five sisters (someone who's got me beat!) and likens it to being "born into a group of best friends." I like that a lot. Then we remember how Simon said -- after his truly barfy rendition of "Apologize" -- that he was not worth the dirt on Brian Krakow Golightly's shoes. Clearly hurt him.
"Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson. That concept sounds very familiar. Isn't he one of those LA singer-songwriter people like spiky-hair "Perfect Time Of Day" guy that nobody's ever heard of but is always on TV shows? Howie Day. And like Matt Wertz, and the Sixers, and Joshes Radin and Kelley. Jay Brannan and Val Emmich, non-geographically speaking. And probably lots of others who I can't think of because they look different from that overall person. I tend to like them, at least as background noise, and they invariably cover Ben Harper's "In The Sun," which is like my favorite song of all time. And it sucks to treat them all like one person, so I should quit it.
...Yes, that is the guy I was thinking of. Or located somewhere in the person-complex I was thinking of, just like this song sounds like all of those songs. I'm sure my friend Paul -- who is in terms of locale the Queens to those particular boys' Brooklyn-slash-Silver Lake -- will be able to tell me why all of those songs sound the same, and it will have to do with tuning your guitar a certain way or something, and I'm sure he's already explained this to me one million times already and will do so in future, but I have gleaned that usually when I ask this question the letter "D" comes up a lot.
And Tim does a great job with it, of course, playing his little guitar and looking so camera-ready. And I hope that he gets lots of votes, because this Little Boy Race is getting exciting. But it's hard to concentrate knowing Lee is coming, and singing last, which is a double-whammy.
Randy didn't get it, and Ellen tells the crowd to keep booing so they don't boo her when she gives him a canny but most definitely weirdest critique of the night, which is, "I wish you were on Glee so your hotness + vocals would be a surprise, instead of just obvious." Tim is like so offended because he prays all the time and thus would never watch a Ryan Murphy show, but even more offended when she says that of all the Tim things, the singing is not the main thing yet. Kara tells him he didn't make it his own, but that he's hot. Tim is like, "Jeez you guys" and you can watch him crumple into himself as this goes on. Simon shocks everybody by saying it was a "marked improvement" (HOW COULD IT NOT BE?) and tells him he has tonight become more relevant than most of the guys tonight: Nice. Tim lights up like the sun: Also nice. Then Ryan gives Tim's right biceps a firm squeeze and listens to not one single word of the babble coming out of him. Valid.