By Al Lowe
Luke and Anna meet at the courthouse for the custody battle royale. It is awkward and stupid and Anna comes off as a megabitch. Luke ultimately gets the joint custody he requested. Paris institutes Operation Finish Line, which I love, and which involves a detailed chart of activities in which she and Rory must engage in the five months they have remaining at Yale. Rory is busy worrying about the Lucy thing, though. She left Lucy a letter of apology, but still feels terrible about hurting her feelings. Of course, Paris takes care of it, confronting Lucy in the way only Paris can, and Rory and Lucy make up; conversely, Marty and Lucy break up. Sookie is acting weird. Her moods are crazy up and down and Jackson won't let her do anything. Guess why? She's pregnant...but she doesn't know yet. Jackson didn't get a vasectomy like she thought he did. When she finds out, she rightly and justifiably flips out. Christopher finds the letter Lorelai wrote for Luke's court date. It is extremely touching, and when Luke hears it read by the judge, he is quite moved. Chris, however, has a different take. He's very upset by it, and frankly a dick about it. He claims that every problem he and Lorelai have is because she is still in love with Luke, and no matter what she says to deny it, he acts like a huge baby and storms out. Sorry, Christopher fans: Lorelai's made some bad moves, but he's a baby. Meanwhile, during a lecture, Richard has what appears to be a heart attack. Oh, Grandpa! Be okay!
Friday Night Dinner has just ended, and Emily and Richard are jovially escorting Lorelai, Christopher, and Rory to the front door. Richard has just, apparently, told one of his more infamous jokes. "Now that you've heard Dad's famous 'Big game hunter and the gorilla' story," Lorelai tells Christopher, "you're officially part of the family." No, no, I think he officially became part of the family when you married him, Lorelai. Or maybe even before that, when he impregnated you with your child. It's so good to see Emily and Richard in this scene, it assuages my irritation (slightly), but it just generally bothers me the way they talk to Christopher sometimes like they're just meeting him, and sometimes like he's been around for years. Richard, as a matter of fact, loves Christopher so much right now that he invites him to stay for a while to enjoy a fine, illegal, Cuban cigar. Lorelai makes excuses for them all to leave, and they escape to the strains of Emily praising the night's meal: quail Mazatlán. Who among you can ever hear the world Mazatlán without thinking of The Love Boat? I certainly can't. Whole portions of Mexico are forever tainted for me by that show. I'll never be able to travel to Puerto Vallarta, for example, because hell, it would just be too funny. I'm sure it's a lovely place.
Not so lovely, apparently? That "delicious" quail Emily has been raving about. When the guests finally get outside, we see that they've all snuck their dinner out in napkins. "How could such a little tiny quail have such a big, awful taste?" Lorelai demands, spitting. Chris wonders if they should just throw the scraps in the bushes, but the ladies urge caution: they tried that before, with the Chicken Kiev debacle of '02, but the neighbor's cat dragged the remnants of their dinner onto the Gilmore back patio, busting them. Their only recourse, Lorelai says, is to take the stuff with them and throw it off the town bridge, making sure that all remains go into the water. "One stray piece of Quail Mazatlán," Rory warns, "and Grandma will have the river dragged."
Lorelai is making coffee early Saturday morning when she is surprised by Sookie at her door. She pinches her friend on the arm, wondering if she's dreaming. "You're not supposed to pinch me!" Sookie says. "Well," Lorelai answers, "I'm confused! I haven't even had coffee yet." Giddily, Sookie shows Lorelai that she's brought her some coffee and a whole basket of delicious muffin tops, because they're the best part of the muffin. Yes, I remember hearing that. On Seinfeld. Ten years ago. Anyway, Sookie is all worked up and excited because she and Jackson are going on a little day ski trip so that Jackson can hit the slopes and Sookie can read bad books. Or, she was excited until their babysitter called to say that she has mono. "How's that muffin tasting?" she asks. Lorelai: "It has the faintest aftertaste of bribe." Listen, if you brought me coffee and muffins in the morning, I'd take care of your kids, your neighbor's kids, and those weird kids that are always hanging around down at the gas station. Lorelai must feel the same: "I'd love to take care of Davey and Martha." She takes a swig of coffee, declaring it good. "Well, yeah, it should be," says Sookie. "I...got it from Luke's. I hope that's okay." Lorelai's face gets wistful, but she says that it's fine: "It would be weird if I intentionally didn't drink the coffee." They are interrupted by Christopher coming in from upstairs. "Mm, there are baked goods in here," he says. "At first I thought I was dreaming." Sookie: "Please don't pinch me." Heee. Christopher says he was afraid for a second that someone broke into the house and started baking. "Baking and entering," says Lorelai, in a very cute line. "It's a crime wave sweeping the nation!" Man, I wish someone would commit baking and entering at my house! Dear Criminal Baker, I love buttercream icing. No fruit between the layers! Extra icing, is what I'm saying. Love, your very willing victim, Al Lowe. Chris says that this whole babysitting thing is going to work out well for him since, having shipped Gigi off to her grandmother, he will now be home alone and able to put up his flatscreen. Sookie stands to leave and, while saying her goodbyes and thanks, becomes emotional: :It takes a special person...you know, on her day off..." Lorelai nods, assuring Sookie that it's okay, but while Sookie weeps and clings to her, Lorelai shoots an hilarious questioning look at Chris. "This is good coffee," Christopher says, after Sookie's headed out. "It is good," Lorelai agrees, trying to be casual. "It's from Luke's." First of all, why on Earth would she tell him? Second, what is the big deal? Christopher acts weird about it, and so does Lorelai, and come on, as contrivances go, it's a bit of a stretch.
As Paris continues her tirade about the importance of Operation Finish Line, Rory becomes distracted by the presence of Lucy across the room. Paris asks if Rory's heard back from her since the letter. When Rory says no, Paris takes action: "Oh, so she's just decided to ignore you now? How very Heathers of her." Throwing down her napkin, Paris marches over to Lucy's table, much to the chagrin of Rory, who shamefacedly rushes after her. Paris, however, is not to be deterred. She gets up in Lucy's face, insisting that she end this little junior high game she's playing. "Hey...Paris..." Lucy says, stunned. Lucy says that she just got back in from town and has not had time to respond to Rory's letter. "Yeah, and?" Paris demands. "Well, it's not really fair," Lucy demurs to Rory, "you being a writer." Oh, whatever. "Yeah, yeah, life's not fair," Paris snaps. "In case you didn't know it, Rory's a great person and does not deserve to be treated this way. Anyone should feel lucky to call her a friend. I know I do, and you're throwing away one of the best." Man. Paris Gellar for President of Everything. Rory uncomfortably says that she appreciates Paris's trying to help, and asks for a moment alone with Lucy. She and Lucy share a look about what a loon Paris is, and Lucy calmly tells Rory that the letter was beautiful, and that she now realizes the ridiculous position Marty had put Rory in. I guess Lucy took this sad time of estrangement to decide to get off the goofballs, because she's acting relatively normal. Rory apologizes for handling it wrong, and that she screwed up. "No, you didn't screw up," Lucy says. "Marty asked you to do something really weird and wrong, and you did it, because you're a great person. Ask Paris." She says she and Marty broke up, and Rory is sick to hear it. "It wasn't meant to be," says Lucy, sad.
Ugh. Back to the custody hearing. Do y'all care about this? Because I don't. But we have to watch it, because it sets up the reading of Lorelai's letter. Anna's attorney makes some frankly snide remarks about Luke's capabilities as a man and father, and Luke's whole agreement to keep his mouth shut during the hearing is off. He gets feisty. "Now that I know her," he says of April, "I just want to be with her and be her dad, because I know I will be a good dad."
Christopher and Paul Anka have been working on the flatscreen project back at the CrapShack, and while he searches for a level to make sure the thing is straight, Chris comes across the draft of Lorelai's character reference in her desk drawer.
At Yale, Rory is doing a little modification on Operation Finish Line. "There is no way I am signing up for the LSAT," she says, crossing it off the chart. "Sure you are," says Paris. "Don't get lazy on me now." Rory says that she is just not interested in being a lawyer -- she wants to be a journalist. Paris insists that she won't have to be a lawyer if she gets a law degree: "Look at Dan Abrams. He's a journalist, but because of his law degree, he's the face of the Scott Peterson trial!" Rory rightly says that she does not want to be the face of the Scott Peterson trial: "And I hate Dan Abrams." She says that she also does not intend to take the MCAT, despite the success of Sanjay Gupta. Paris is disappointed, but they are interrupted by a phone call from Lucy inviting them to join her for tray sliding in the snow. "We can cross it off the list!" says Rory. Paris reluctantly agrees. As they put on their coats, Rory thanks her, finally, for saying such nice things about her in the cafeteria. "Well, I just didn't want your juvenile hysterics to muck up the whole chart," says Paris. "You're not going to cry, are you?" Love. Rory reminds her that if she falls and breaks her face, as many tray sliders do, she can just spend a night in the infirmary which will fulfill a "typical college experience" on Operation Finish Line. Yes, well, so would having regrettable sex in a fratty room that smells like vomit, but I don't recommend that, either. (Oh my God, no, y'all. I never did that, okay?)
Strummily, we see that Lorelai has been sleeping single in a double bed. Christopher never came home last night. When the phone rings and she rushes to grab it, hoping it's him, it turns out to be Luke. He is over the moon, having won the custody he wanted. He gets to see April one weekend a month -- which is outrageous, considering that she is moving across the country -- and various holidays and summer times. "Your letter was a big help," he says. Lorelai's full of sadness as she congratulates him and hangs up.
Rory is in class at Yale, sitting in Grandpa's class as he charms his students while going over the syllabus. He's barely gotten started with the lesson when he starts breathing a little funny. Rory looks concerned, but not overly so, until, suddenly, Richard grabs his arm, and keels to the floor. (Note to the producers: if you kill Richard, I ain't gonna make it.)