Randy's laughing his ass off, because he already knows he's going to hate all the songs tonight. He doesn't think the song was "exciting enough" for Kellie's voice. Paula agrees that Kellie is "too good" for the song. If I were in the mood to look for shenanigans, I'd suggest that the judges were looking to knock Kellie down a peg or two but weren't yet willing to give up the ghost on how inferior a singer she is relative to the rest of the competition. So they went the "it's not you, it's the song" route. Personally, I thought it was the second best performance she's given, after "I'm the Only One." Simon gets annoyed with the hardcore country vibe, saying out of the "thousands and thousands" of songs she had to choose from, she had to pick the one with the most corn-pone title. Well, yeah. What the hell kind of image did you think she was cultivating all these weeks? I know Simon's been more partial to the empty-headed sex kitten routine, but if he's been paying attention, he'd know that bare feet hanging out the window of a pickup truck are what Kellie's been building up to since January. Kellie thinks the song is "cute." Simon calls it a gimmicky rodeo song. They're both right, actually. Then Kellie fakely apologizes, revealing every one of her layers at once. Randy can't take this bout of fake meanness, so he calls Ryan in from the wings like he's been doing all season. Ryan, awesomely, says, "I can't save you like this every time, Jackson." I wonder if Randy's been doing this everywhere. Like they're in hair and makeup and he and Simon are having a tiff over global warming or whether that Britney birthing statue represents a true pro-life political statement or is just an attention grabber, and Randy has to call Ryan in because Simon's getting too heated. And Ryan's all, "Not now! I'm on the phone with someone!" In an attempt to cool down from this whiz-bang trip through current events, I should mention that Debbie Gibson and Kristy Swanson are in the audience. They kind of look like they're talking shit about Kellie, which is awesome. How many different shades of livid do you think Debbie Gibson must be watching this show? "Yeah, I was also in a cutthroat competition where teenagers whored themselves out to try and get America to love them the best. We called it 1987."Ace and his disturbingly rosy cheeks show up in video clip form to tell us something about a "rock edge." I wasn't exactly paying attention, because this is when the chyron tells me that he'll be singing "Drops of Jupiter" by Train, and I'm laughing way too loudly to hear anything. That's fucking awesome. For those who may not remember them, Train is an awful band. Like if Matchbox 20 was older and more pretentious. ["And if the lead singer went from being hot to looking like the creepy janitor at a haunted middle school in Prague." -- Jacob] They had two songs, one that was pretty catchy and I'll still listen to it if I hear it today ("Meet Virginia"), and one that was the living embodiment of wretchedness that would not leave any of us alone for the entirety of 2001. That song was called "Drops of Jupiter." And Ace will be singing it tonight and asking us to vote for him in return. Best of luck with that, dude. Especially since your hair looks like it's been drenched in canola oil. Wow, that looks awful. And of course, the first thing Ace does is call our attention to it, stroking his greasy locks to match the "drops of Jupiter in her hair" lyric (which: gross, if you think of it in anything close to mythological terms). His stupid eyebrows are still in the "love me?" position, and his voice is whiny as ever. So: sing a shitty song badly and look like an oil slick while doing so? Well planned. What could possibly make this performance worse? How about when you hit the lyric that says, "One without a permanent scar," you pull back your already sparsely buttoned collar to reveal a big honking scar of your own? I could think of 95 reasons why that's disgusting and nail them to the door of 19 Entertainment. For one: did he just get that tattooed on? Where's it been all season? For another: scars around the collar and neck area are so last season. Ask Jessie O'Donahue how far the trachea shit got her this year. For another, pulling back your shirt collar like you're trying to be sexy doubles back on you at twice the velocity when you're revealing a hideous scar. That's like ripping open your shirt to reveal your incredibly sexy triple nipple. Eight different kinds of grotesque, right there.
"Once again," says Randy, "completely the wrong song for you, and you didn't sing it well." Exactly. It's funny, because Randy is more one-note than he usually is this week, and that always bugs me, but he's exactly right. Ace gets stone faced, because Train is one of his favorite bands. Okay? Paula's not going to go as far as Randy (translation: Break out the sugar! It's coatin' time!). She thinks it was "refreshing" after the last two performances (translation: You're a boy!). She hates the song choice as well, though she still thinks he did a good job. She inquires about the scar. Is it real? Oh, yes. Ace shows it to us again, defiantly declaring, "I've got a real scar on my chest." Now he's a real boy! He seriously says it with this "Call me a faggot now!" tone, because while facial hair may elude him, his scarred-up body is proof that he's bad-ass. Paula asks him to one day explain to her how he got that. Simon immediately jumps in with the "Now now, Paula!" stuff, because she's a cougar on the prowl and none of us should forget it. I love how everyone -- audience, Ace, Randy, the Lord -- is all in on the same joke here. "Ha ha! You fucked Corey Clark!" Paula's even like, "Who, me?" It's funny, if played. After the taking of Will Makar, predatory innuendo just doesn't have the same spark. Simon gives a bit of a nod to the song choice thing, but mostly he just thought it was a crap vocal. Very karaoke. The crowd wants his head on a platter for it, but come on. That was awful. Ace tells Ryan that he "loves" the song, and he "feels" the song. You can't have an emotional connection to "Drops of Jupiter." I don't care how many actual permanent scars you have on your body. Even secret cutters would rather listen to Fiona Apple, you know? Ryan asks about the scar, on behalf of Paula. Ace says he was playing basketball and "landed on a T-bar." I'm pretty sure he said "T-bar." No idea. Is it part of the hoop apparatus? I'm actually not ignorant of sports, but last time I checked with basketball there was a ball and a court and a hoop. And sometimes a chair, but that's only for slam dunk contests and Bobby Knight. I'm still not ruling out Ace with a butcher knife in the conservatory last week when he figured he needed a gimmick to go with the song. Ryan is talking with Taylor in front of the product placement monitors. He says Taylor is "changing the youth of America, one head at a time." Hmm. No, I don't think I'll go near that one. We cut to a little boy in the audience who has put flour or baby powder into his hair to make it look gray. That's so cute. And it makes sense, too. If anyone is going to appreciate Taylor's Joe Cocker-infused take on old school rock, it's the grade-school youth of the nation. I'm surprised the kid doesn't ask Taylor to sign his vinyl copy of Mad Dogs & Englishmen. Taylor, of course, "love[s] it, man!" He repeats, "Don't let 'em dye it!" about ten times, until Ryan's like, "Um, he already did?" He then asks Taylor what this "Soul Patrol" business is. In Taylor's words, they're a "legion of fans" who have been with him "since the beginning." It should be noted that "the beginning" was when he first showed his face on our television screens, so let's not pretend that this was during the lean years. "They saw the show portray me as an underdog even though I was already Top 24 at that point. And they went all Claymate on me just like they were supposed to. And I'm their Soul Patrolman." Okay, that last part he actually said. I guess falling short of being the kind of commodity this show is actually looking for, a Jimmy Buffett-esque traveling freak show kind of career wouldn't be so bad for Taylor. In his video, Taylor tells us that the song he'll be singing for us -- "Trouble," by Ray Lamontaine -- has never been performed on Idol before. He wants to be able to show a "great vocal range." Dude, if it shows up more prominently than the six o'clock shadow you've got workin' in this clip, you should be fine.
"Chris Rocks!" says a crudely drawn sign in the audience. Please leave the building. You have shown absolutely zero creativity or artistic ability whatsoever. We don't need your kind in our studio. Randy has finally found a song that fits his "what kind of record will you make?" criteria, but unfortunately he thought Chris was sharp throughout. I wouldn't know. I was too busy trying to find Chris amid all the lights. Paula goes for a gimmick and fails spectacularly: "Chris, I'm not trying to stutter, but what if, what if, what if, what if, twenty-five what ifs I said I was your biggest fan?" Content-free and grammatically dubious. An Abdul double! Simon tells Chris that he's going to be negative with him "for the first time." Chris immediately is like, "Second time." I'd say that's jerky, but I said the exact same thing at the exact same time. And Simon should remember anyway, because it was essentially the same criticism as this time: too insular. He says there's "a line you don't cross," and Creed was it. And I think I agree with him if what he's saying is that singing Creed takes the one-trick pony thing too far, into the realm of self-parody. It's Kellie Pickler singing "Jesus, Take the Wheel." However, I'm not sure that's what Simon means, because he then says that Creed "wouldn't be caught dead on this show." What? First of all, they wouldn't be caught dead anywhere anymore because there is no Creed. And Scott Stapp is too busy finding new and interesting ways to make his parents embarrassed they even know him. ["Sex tape nothing. Google the Denny's story." -- Jacob] ["Oh, you mean this Denny's story?" -- Joe R] Is he saying Creed is too cool for this show? Because if he is, I now have some serious issues with Simon acting as proxy for the marketplace on this show. Then he starts lecturing Chris about how he's got to "show another side" and not rely so heavily on the Creed-y stuff. And it's true, in a very limited way. I still think Chris can't wander too far away, lest he suck. But the more important thing is: fuck off, Simon. Just last week you basically sucked Chris's hog for refusing to switch things up, and now you're calling him indulgent? I've been trying all week to come up with a way to parse last week's comments and this week's in a way that makes sense, but I think the Occam's Razor of it is best: the show got a little freaked out by last week's not-troversy and wants to reign Chris in a bit before ["..." -- Jacob] he becomes a parody. You can see the "Et tu, Simon?" on Chris's face, because he's fucked either way. I mean, I still think he's on course to be top three, but he's going to end up battered and bruised by the time he gets there. Video Katharine informs us she'll be singing Xtina's "The Voice Within," which is a song I like despite the trite lyrics about looking inside yourself. There is so much about Aguilera that I legitimately love, especially post-"Dirrty" when everybody got to be in on the joke about what a grimy ho she is. And the "Voice Within" video was when she suddenly showed up with huge jugs out of the blue. The world is more fun with Xtina in it, and I hope she pulls out of this fake retro thing she's trying to pull and just goes back to being Britney's funhouse mirror. ["So, the Queen Mum?" -- Jacob] Anyway, just one more thing Katharine and I have in common: we like the Aguilera. Then Kat has to go and ruin it all by saying how much she digs the song's message. She said she's learned throughout the Idol meat grinder process that the only person she can trust is herself. Which, yes, could certainly be code for "all these bitches is jealous and I didn't come here to make friends." It's not called American Best Friend, is it? She then says the following: "That's my week's message: 'Trust the voice within.'" Um, thanks for the pep talk? Concentrate on being cool and we'll do whatever you do, Katharine. Just don't ruin it by being a lame-ass like that. Speaking of lame-ass, it's time to discuss what Katharine's wearing onstage. I have no idea why nobody on this show can figure out how to dress her well on two consecutive weeks. The past five weeks have gone: pregnant, gorgeous, pregnant while dirndled, free-breastedly beautiful, and now this. This. What is this? This is, for starters, a space western outfit. Like Firefly in theory, if Firefly ever had an episode focusing on a colony of lesbian equestrians. I can only speak about the outfit in metaphor, lest I have to look at it. Best I can tell: tight black pants blending seamlessly into a long-sleeve black top that seems to have a tan rawhide smock in the shape of a bathing suit pulled over it. Below the rawhide, right above Kat's waist, are the black ruffles which lend it a certain bedskirt quality. She looks like she's a part of a performance art project on the alphabet, as the letter "Y." Or possibly like Counselor Deanna Troi.
Ryan's voice-over guides us through last night's performances. Randy's "song choice" memo was obviously the theme of the night. It's stupidly couched as Randy being unexpectedly harsh when it was actually the most sense I've heard him make in several weeks. Simon also gets painted as the meanie, as his slap-downs of Kellie, Lisa, and Bucky are grouped together. Lisa (vocally) and Taylor (sartorially) took on Kelly and Clay and were defeated soundly. Interestingly, the "good performances" are shown to be Katharine and Elliott, but not Paris. Bucky and Chris "stuck to their roots," and Ryan tells us the results were mixed, though from Simon's perspective neither were all that good. Paris is painted as the mixed review girl, which is too bad because she really needed to give a great performance this week to stay out of the bottom three and she did. I just wish she'd have gotten more credit from Simon for it.
Ryan calls for the lights to be dimmed: he's looking for the bottom three. The bottom row consists of: Mandisa, Chris, Kellie, Taylor, and Paris. If you're paying any attention at all, you know they're the safe ones. Ryan doesn't even try to fake us out. Paris has even managed to tone down the crazy celebration antics, so it's an all-around great week for her. Also of note: Chris and Kellie are seated to each other and she sort of slaps him on his arm, as if to say, "Hey! Nice one!" I think it's cute. On to the top row. As the camera pans past Katharine (among others, but specifically as we pass Katharine), Ryan points the j'accuse right at us: "What have you done?" I'm right with you, Ryan. This could get bad for our girl. After the break (!), Ryan starts with Elliott, who shoves his fingers into his already fragile ears, anticipating an audience freak-out that never comes. Oh, that's embarrassing. He's dancing in his seat, knowing he's safe. And he is.
Know who isn't safe? Lisa. Know who knows she isn't safe? Lisa. Her giant slipping-down top is even resigned to the fact that she's at least going to be bottom three. She's so funny as she smiles at Ryan like, "Yup, I know." She dutifully makes the long walk to her trusty friend the seal. Ace doesn't look quite as up-chucky this time around, but he's still frightened puppy as opposed to needy puppy. Ryan informs him that he's back in the bottom three this week. The outrage from the audience isn't as genuine this time, and even his fellow contestants are like, "Well, yeah." Bucky and Katharine commiserate about being the last two fateless ones. She's back to looking super-pretty tonight, with the wardrobe flunky who attacked her with ugly clothes last night having been hopefully fired. Kat looks rueful and worried, while Bucky is smelling the world's biggest fart. When Ryan says it's Katharine who's in the bottom three, she's the only one who doesn't put on her shocked face. Well, she and I. I had a bad feeling about this. Her family section registers their displeasure, though her scary and balding mother looks like she's booing through her laughter. I don't ever want to know the depths of what that woman is capable of. Scares the shit out of me. Ryan notes the shock in the audience, but fails to yell at us for not voting. How will we learn, Ryan?
Back from one last commercial break, Ryan immediately sends Ace back to Suffragette City. Ace does that stupid bow to the crowd that I hate so much before giving Lisa a one-armed hug (because she's leaving) and Kat a pat on the shoulder (because she's the one staying). Ryan appeals to the judges for their opinions, which in this case means their opinions of Katharine, because Lisa is but a speck in our rearview mirror at this point. Simon said he watched the show back again last night and he completely reverses his opinion on Kat's performance. Not even close to as good as Christina. He does go on to say that any of the final ten could have been in the bottom three and he wouldn't have been surprised. Ryan sticks up for his best girl, asking Simon if, after weeks and weeks of effusive praise, one bad week makes her deserving of bottom two. I get what he's saying, but "deserves" has nothing to do with it, and even if it does, is it Simon's fault that she's there? He actually over-praised her last night. Simon's response, that the "public knows best," sounds wrong (the public is, in fact, dumb as shit), but is actually correct (dumb or not, guess whose votes matter?). When the only real criteria is "Whatever you like best," it's kind of hard to say the voters were wrong. Ryan asks Paula for her thoughts on "Lisa and Katharine, especially Katharine." Ouch, dude. ["I know! That was the best part of the entire week." -- Jacob] As it was last week, Paula's advice to the contestants is actually her advice to America: "Keep that finger dialin'." Randy is also treading well-worn ground, as he repeats his "You gotta bring it every week" stump speech. He also manages to complete this week's plot arc with a final plea to "pick better songs." Maybe week will see the dramatic return of "pitchy"?Lisa is Zen about it by now. "Whatever happens happens." Katharine doesn't have much of an answer prepared, and you can see her mind racing to formulate a response that won't sound dumb but is not in fact "I'm too good to be here this early. What the fuck?" Perhaps she looked over to the Suffragettes and the first person she saw was Mandisa, because she's like, "Um…God?" Her actual words are, "You know, like, whatever, you know, God's plan for me, that's all I have in my mind." As panic responses go, I've heard worse. Simon is hilariously staring down at the table and covering his face, perhaps too embarrassed by Kat taking a stab at the Jesus market to even look her in the face anymore. Remember in Contact how Jodie Foster couldn't go into the alien carnival ride machine because she was an atheist and all of a sudden her rival Tom Skerritt was asked what he thought of meeting the aliens and his response was, "Um…God?" I hate that Katharine has become the Tom Skerritt in Contact of this show, even a little bit. Clearly, so does Simon. ["Especially considering he thinks of himself as the Tom Skerritt in Poison Ivy the rest of the time." -- Jacob]
Anyway, it's Lisa who is going home as Ryan mercifully lets her down easy. Katharine tells Lisa she loves her (aw) and heads back to the loving arms of Kellie Pickler (I'll assume). Ryan calls Lisa one of the bravest contestants ever to appear on Idol, which is a random way of describing her. She says all the right things. "Experience of a lifetime," et cetera. Daniel Powter once again narrates her video journey. She was Simon's favorite sixteen-year-old. Her family was -- have I mentioned? -- wicked hot and fantastic. Lisa was so great. Not memorable as a singer, but I like knowing that this kid has got her whole life ahead of her and gets to be whoever the hell she wants to be. I have no worries about Lisa Tucker. Except when she tries to sing "Because of You." It's just not her best song. Poor Paris has tears streaming down her face. That's totally genuine, too, I'm not even going to try and say otherwise. Paris lost her entire high school drama cast real quick, didn't she? Will, Kevin, and Lisa -- boom, boom, boom. Kellie, to her credit, isn't fake crying. She's singing along with the song, which is a total Kellie thing to do. The best thing about this is that Lisa's anger faces are gone. It looks like she's actually suppressing a smile. She can relax now, it's over. The final nine walk to the center of the stage and stand behind her as she sings her way off our TV screens. Paris is a fucking wreck, it's so sad. Right before we sign off, Lisa lets loose with the biggest smile ever. She did it! Top ten on American Idol! Just try and not be at least a little bit happy for that.
week will feature country night and Jacob. Thank Mandisa it's not me.