Episode Report Card Gustave: B- | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT 4:00 PM - 5:00 PM
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 17 | Aired on March 25, 2002
"My ex-girlfriend forced Sidney Poitier to make out with her at the Oscars, and my father whored himself out by doing the backstage commentary with Glenn Close -- duties that Peter Coyote performed alone last year. And I wasn't nominated for anything this year because my whole life is this Fox show that might not even be picked up for next year and is doing an amnesia subplot this week. My name is Kiefer. Today is the longest day of my life."
Previouslys. TerrorBabyBrother keeps getting information about Palmer's whereabouts from Faux-licity until she realizes that he's the hit man sent to take down Palmer. She agrees to wear a "whatever wire" and meet him for a faux-rendezvous back at his hotel room. Xander's back as the "new quarterback." The Safe House is compromised and the Kieferettes are on the run once more, but they've split up because Bride thought she killed Spawn and got amnesia. Spawn is, unfortunately, very much alive.
What's up with the teens of today? Why do they, like Spawn of Kiefer, wander the valleys of Southern California searching frantically for their mothers? Back in my day, we were psyched to be away from parental supervision. She doesn't even have to go back to school because she was kidnapped. Yet there she is, combing some highway in search of her mother, who as we all know was driven away by Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super. I mean, call a cab and have them take you to CTU. Don't make this such a Byzantine thing, okay, Kirsten Dunst wanna-be? And speaking of Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super, there she is, driving Bride of Kiefer to the hospital. Bride is looking at herself in the mirror as if for the first time. Because, you see, she's got amnesia. That's right, folks. Amnesia. They'd better be going somewhere good here. Just saying. A stripped-down electronica theme that combines the funk of Prince with the minimalism of Tangerine Dream, and maybe even a little of that Duran Duran track "The Chauffeur," plays while Bride lightly removes a single tissue from the car tissue dispenser, which is literally brimming with fresh tissues. Like, what is Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super doing driving around and keeping tissues in her car? She touches the tissue to her face and brushes off that artful smudge of dirt that accumulated there just moments ago when she sort-of killed her daughter, fell to the ground, and stumbled around all Anne-Heche-style until JLH's PRS picked her up. Now of course if I had dirt all over my face, I'd wipe myself down pretty hard with that tissue.