Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT St. Martin of Ass-kissy
By Sara M | Season 8 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.05.2003
Finally alone, RevCam basks in the glow of what a supportive friend he is. Kevin walks up, and RevCam asks him if he's okay. Kevin sits down and says, "Lucy and I haven't had sex since I got pummeled by that woman." Which, I'd like to point out, was like three hours ago. So, ew. RevCam walks away, probably to get a tape recorder so he can have this conversation forever and forever. In his absence, Kevin tells Chandler that he doesn't think Lucy can look at him the same way anymore, because he can't look at himself the same way. Chandler basically tells him that that's stupid. "What about Roxanne?" Kevin asks. "Well, you know Roxanne," Chandler says. Kevin smirks. So, did Kevin get over his emasculation? Are he and Lucy going to have some hot robot sex tonight? We'll never know, and I think that's for the best. My hot water bills are getting pretty expensive.
Simon walks into the living room, where Martin tells him that he's going back to his real house now. Simon tells Martin that he's leaving for college tomorrow. Martin asks him if he's scared. Simon says he's terrified, but since no one else seems to think it's a big deal, he shouldn't either. Martin reveals that the family is planning a surprise party. Simon is all happy to hear that his family really does love him after all. Simon and Martin discuss what it was like to go from starring in movies with John Travolta and Tom Hanks to this; then Martin leaves.
Martin walks through the kitchen, where Ruthie is pouring herself a glass of milk from a teeny-tiny half-gallon container. Why buy in bulk when you have ten mouths to feed and you're on a tight budget, right, Annie? Martin asks Ruthie how her coal mine project went, and Ruthie says that she destroyed it. Martin whips out a piece of paper with a sketch of an "easier" coal mine for Peter and Ruthie to work on. Ruthie thanks him, and he leaves.
Outside, he meets RevCam, who is, for whatever reason, wandering around his own backyard. They greet each other, and Martin gives RevCam an update on the current locations of his family members, including Roxanne and Asslee, even though there's no way he could have known that those two were even there, as they never entered the CamPound and Martin never broke into the Treehouse. But hey, if a dislocated shoulder can heal in less than a day, why can't Martin be omniscient? Martin tells RevCam that he made up that thing about Simon's surprise party because Simon was feeling like no one cared about him, so the CamRents should probably get on planning that. RevCam asks Martin who he is, because he doesn't believe that he's Simon friend. Is it really that hard to believe that Simon has a friend? I think he's had more friends than anyone else on this show, with the possible exception of Lucy. Martin explains that "it was just one of those things," and he broke into the house and ate their food because his dad told him to get out more. His dad, by the way, is a Marine in Iraq. "You know -- Iraq, in the Middle East?" No, I thought he meant Iraq, Kansas. I was totally confused; thanks, Martin, for clearing that up. RevCam says that his dad retired as a colonel in the Marine Corps. Martin rains all over RevCam's I Understand How You Feel Parade by pointing out how lucky Eric is that his dad lived long enough to be able to retire. RevCam asks Martin where his mother is. "She's -- how do you say it? Passed away," explains Martin. That was -- how do you say it? A terrible line. So when his dad left for Iraq, Martin was left to fend for himself, until those evil bastards at Social Services made him live with his aunt, who neglects him. They say this as if it's a bad thing, which it is, but when you consider the fact that one of today's episode's subplots was how everyone ignored Simon, not to mention that those twins are so damn hungry that they've started eating things that Ruthie has touched, it all rings a little false. Also, what kind of crappy father doesn't make plans for his kid himself when he gets shipped off to another country?
RevCam sits Martin down on the porch and asks him why he didn't just say all this earlier. Martin says that he was trying to talk to Peter and Ruthie on their way home from school, but chickened out. Then he broke into the house "on a whim" and kept trying to talk to someone, but just wasn't able to. And being in the CamPound, surrounded by a family, was nice. He liked seeing how the "rest" of America lives -- those who don't have "family in the military in Iraq." "It must seem to you that we don't care about those of you who have family in Iraq, or that they're even over there," RevCam speechifies as the camera zooms way too close to his face. "I guess they're not in our thoughts and prayers like they were when we first sent troops there." Martin says that it "stings," because his dad could die any second, but the rest of America is going about their business, because that's what "civilian-types want" -- the freedom to go about their business. RevCam says that this freedom is a privilege, and we all forget that, and the people who have family in Iraq. Martin tells him to go call his dad and say thanks. RevCam says he will. I hope he doesn't call right now, since it's probably around midnight in Buffalo. The Guitar of Going About Your Business Like an Ungrateful Prick strums to life as RevCam invites Martin to Simon's party tomorrow. Martin says he'll think about it. RevCam says that he's welcome anytime, and he'll pray for his father. Then his eyes get all moist as he looks up to heaven. "Thank you, Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan -- I mean, 'Martin's Dad,'" RevCam says. Don't blame RevCam for that gaffe -- it's easy to lose track of which vapid and trite pro-military propaganda piece you're shooting when you do so many.