Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT St. Martin of Ass-kissy
By Sara M | Season 8 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.05.2003
Up in Ruthie's room, Peter admires his totally lame coal mine as Ruthie enters. He tells her that he got the lights to work. Lights? What the hell kind of coal mine is he building? I guess I don't know anything about U.S. labor history after all. In my history classes, they always made us "do research" and "write theses," and we didn't learn a thing! If only they told us to wire a mound of papier-mâché and throw some candy in it -- I could have been quite the scholar! Anyway, Ruthie responds to Peter's good news by walking over to him with a blank look on her face while suspenseful and scary music plays. Peter asks her if she's okay. The Piano of Impending Doom chimes in with a discordant note. "Sure. Why wouldn't I be?" Ruthie responds, all zombie-like. Then she lifts a small metal pole over her head and smashes the coal mine several times. Peter puts his arms up in front of his face and watches as his crazy girlfriend destroys his dreams. I would feel sorry for him, but this is what happens when you date a sociopath. And if this is supposed to be Ruthie's reaction to seeing Annie and Richard kissing, it would have been more realistic (not to mention entertaining) if she was hitting herself over the head with that pole.
In the Treehouse of Lurv, Lucy is feeding the T-1000 some pizza that she just stole from her parents' house. "I am really turned on by the fact that you're a cop and you're so strong, and so handsome," Lucy begins. Before she can get to the part about how the fact that he can dissolve into a mercury-like substance and then morph into whatever he wishes is totally sexy, Kevin says that he's had enough pizza and "whatever else [Lucy's] trying to feed [him]." Lucy says that she's serious, and she loves how Kevin feels like he has to protect her and his female partner. He did a great job of that when she got "stabbed" by that homeless guy, didn't he? Suddenly, there's knock on the door. "WHAT?!" Lucy screams. It's Simon, and he was wondering if he could borrow Lucy's suitcase; his is too small for all the things he needs to pack for college. From this seemingly innocuous request, Lucy bitch-attacks Simon and asks him why he's trying to get all this attention because he's going away to college, when people go away to college all the time, as evidenced by the fact that colleges all over the country are full of kids. Simon's face falls, and he turns around and leaves. I guess it's good family values to yell at a young family member who's just been through a traumatic experience and is getting ready to leave home for the first time. Lucy turns back to Kevin, turns the sexy voice back on, and tries to pick up where she left off. Even with his very rudimentary grasp on human interaction and emotions, Kevin can tell that Lucy was a little harsh with her brother. Lucy responds that Simon deserves it for ruining her moment. Then she talks about how she enjoys being a woman, and Kevin enjoys being a man. "And you're the type of man who wants a woman that [sic] feels that [sic] she needs a man." And I'm the type of woman who feels like she can go for another round of barfing and crying.
Ruthie explains to Peter that she viciously destroyed the coal mine because she saw Richard Lewis kissing her mother. While I can understand all too well what a negative effect seeing something like that can have on a person, I still don't get the connection between that and wrecking a papier-mâché coal mine. Peter sits down and screws up the titular line by saying, "That wasn't something I was expecting." Ruthie says she can't believe that her dad is a "cuckold." Peter doesn't know what that means, so Ruthie explains that she got the word from Shakespeare, then laments the fact that using a "new" word in a sentence isn't as thrilling as she thought it would be. Maybe if she used an actual new word instead of a word that was already outdated hundreds of years ago, it would have been a better experience for her. Peter decides that what Ruthie saw was just a big misunderstanding of the Jewish variety; it might be a "Jewish custom" to make out with one's host after a meal. Peter goes on to enlighten us all about the strange customs of the Jews by saying that they are a "very affectionate people" (apparently, all Jews are the same. Way to stereotype, asshole), just like his Russian (though non-Jewish) uncle. And apparently Russians and Jews are totally the same, ethnically and culturally. I'm learning a lot from Peter today. Anyway, Ruthie isn't buying it. Neither am I; since when did "affection" mean "sexual assault"? Oh, that's right -- when Brenda Hampton got her very own television show to spew her anti-feminist doctrines. First women deserve to get raped because they're wearing skimpy clothes, and now when a man forces you to kiss him, it's because he's being "affectionate."