Episode Report Card Erin: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four
By Erin | Season 2 | Episode 5 | Aired on 11.02.2002
Suddenly, we're in Sloane's office, looking through a warped looking glass at Padre Paranoid as he's reaching for a well-iced tumbler of amber liquid. He takes a sip, and we see that Jack is also in the room, and he's just watching Sloane as he silently loses his mind. Oh. Wait. We were actually looking at Señor Schizoid through the strangely unnecessary glass bubble on his desk. That explains the weird angle. It doesn't explain why Captain Crackhead is drinking in the presence of Jack Non-Daniels, now, does it? And poor Jacky doesn't even have a frosty beverage to keep him company. Don't worry. Since it's nearly three in the afternoon, I'm sure O'Sullivan's Pub down on the corner has a refreshing glass of malt liquor waiting for Agent Alcoholic.
Commander Space Cadet pulls a piece of paper out of the gray file sitting before him and shoves it toward Jack, who picks it up. "Someone forged my wife's name in the registry at our favorite bed-and-breakfast," rasps Sloane. "Weeks after her death." Jack looks at Arvin in surprise. "My concern is," continues Sloane, "that it's intended to be a message." Jack's all, dude, you have enemies, okay? Clearly, one of 'em wants to git to you. Sloane's all, it ain't my grief, homey. It's my GUILT.
Agent Amok lets loose about how cancer didn't kill Emily; he did. Just like guns don't kill people, people kill people. Or, according to Eddie Izzard, it's not the guns that are the problem, it's the bullets! Just take the bullets out and people would be aiming empty guns all over the place going, "Bang! Bang bang! You're dead! Lie down already! God! Just 'cuz I don't have bullets don't mean I can't kill you with this thing! Shut UP already!"
Anyway, Sloane spills it about how Auntie Em's cancer was in remission, but that very day, the Alliance told him he was being considered for partner. Unfortunately, Auntie Em had learned that Sloane was involved with SD-6. And even though Auntie Em believed that SD-6 was a branch of the CIA and NOT the rogue arms-dealing, drug-supplying, psycho-breeding facility they truly are, the Alliance decided to make Arvin's promotion contingent on Auntie Em's death.
"My choice was an easy one," says Colonel Needs Counseling. "I wasn't about to kill my wife. Emily was not a bargaining chip." Jack looks like he's inhaled far too many Pringles Cajun-Flavored chips and he's about to hurl. "Then I talked to her doctor," continues First Mate Frantic. "And I was persuaded that, despite this temporary remission, Emily's lymphoma would return and that it would slowly and painfully kill her." Jack's all, mmm-kay. And you asked me here 'cuz WHY?
Sloane's all, she'd already suffered so much, dude. The thought of her succumbing to this merciless illness, or, like, being offed by the Alliance...well, it was far too much for a nuthouse like me to handle. Oh, and I didn't want her to go through anything either. I mean, being married to me was probably painful enough, ya know? Ha ha. And horf horf. And hey, is there more scotch?
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