Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT ...And Expiation (2)
By Gwen | Season 4 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.14.1999
Hallmark wants me to know that they now sell lots of cards for people who are sappy enough to enjoy 7th Heaven, but who are also too cheap to blow more than 99 cents on a paper sentiment.
Lucy and her two friends scope out the gym and act shocked. Lucy is wearing a black t-shirt with ducks on it. Okay, I'm missing out on some trend here. Lucy's male friend is wearing a choker made of huge silver beads. There's no point to this scene.
Simon and Ruthie show up at a Catholic church's confessional and turn their cuteness on the unsuspecting priest there. I'm guessing it's a slow day because the priest doesn't try to make them observe the actual confessional format or anything. I'm also guessing that StuporMom has been too stressed out to take proper care of her two belchers, because they're still wearing the same clothes. Or maybe it's the same day and these two have been skipping school. Or maybe it's the same day and Lucy and her friends are losers who have nothing better to do than hang out at school on the weekends. Simon and Ruthie go on and on with the attempts at cuteness, and they even talk about throwing the finger. The priest, who smiles at their drivel and could pass for Ricardo Montalban's cousin, finally says, "You're not Catholic, are you?" Nope, say the hellions. But it's okay. He says they can still have God's forgiveness. Then, instead of teaching them Hail Mary, he tells them to perform an act of contrition. I thought maybe he'd say, "Go mop the rectory," or something funny like that, but instead he tells them to honor the CamRents by telling them all the crap they just spewed at the priest. He blesses them and they peel out. Haw, haw! Protestants' confessional hijinks! They never get old! But wait, the fun's not over yet!
Outside the confessional but still inside the church, Ruthie carps that "they should make those rooms bigger" because Simon almost poked her eye out with his hair. Then she starts babbling about how she gives confession "thumbs up," talking all loud as hell and totally disrespecting the scarf-headed woman who's putting a quarter in the candle-box over in the corner. Simon's Guilt Gut is still killing him. Ruthie pats him on the back and they leave the church, which I'm guessing is within walking distance of their home, which they apparently leave whenever they want while their parents deal with the older, more-favored offspring. Simon looks heavenward and mouths, "Thank you." Has anyone fed the twins? Matt? Lucy? Anyone?