Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT ...And Expiation (2)
By Gwen | Season 4 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.14.1999
RevCam shows up at the gym and sees veritable truckloads of paper all over its floor. The frick? It looks like Mary & Friends stopped at Sam's on the way and bought seventy-two econo-cases of toilet paper. There's also a broken sign of some sort, and orange spray paint proclaiming that the Lady Wildcats rule. You know, just the fact that girls' teams are always obligated to be "Lady Somethings" is enough to make me TP a gym. But then, I never did like physical education. Julia from Santa Barbara, who seems to be pregnant with another of Mason's kids, walks up to RevCam. RevCam is so sorry. Julia is, too. The guitar and clarinet battle for the title of Saddest Instrument until the piano puts a stop to it. The point of the scene: the gym really is full of lots and lots of toilet paper. Now we know.
It's the twins' day for visitation, so Simon and Ruthie walk into the nursery and talk about the way Mary looks different, like a "bad guy." Ruthie smiles as she tells us that she's scared of the way the CamRents look. Simon starts up on his guilt-trip pity party again. Simon diagnoses them with Guilt Gut. Their stomachs hurt, but they can't tell the CamRents because they're under enough stress and RevCam's heart is still weak. We see one of the twins looking hopeful, but instead of taking him out of the crib, Simon just throws in some toys. The baby is chagrined. Ruthie is wearing a lot of self-tanner on her face and a jersey with a duck on it that is actually kind of cool. I need to make myself one and wear it with my Hello Kitty headband. The brats decide to turn to God to rid themselves of guilt gut and hell specters. Then they both burp. The baby looks at them like, "Disgusting, much?" I feel very sorry for the babies. Please, no more kids for the CamFam.
StuporMom is sitting on the couch sewing or something while her two youngest rot away in their cribs. She looks up to see RevCam come in with the dry-cleaning. He wants to know if Bill Mays returned his call. StuporMom says he's on the way over. RevCam is impressed that this Bill the Lawyer makes house calls. StuporMom reminds Rev that he did baptize all of Bill's children, help two get summer jobs, and talk one out of an ill-advised piercing, so Bill felt it was the least he could do. So what? Who cares? We get it, okay? Aaron Spelling was too cheap to pay for a law-office set. WE GET IT! Ding-dong. Here's Bill. Rev lets him in and then bellows up the stairs for Mary as Bill kisses Annie's cheek.
Mary has come downstairs extremely quickly and quietly. Bill informs the three Cams that the principal wants Mary and the other delinquents to appear in Student Court (WHATEVER), where the worst thing that could happen would be expulsion. He hasn't spoken to the prosecutor yet, but it looks like Mary's gonna be charged with vandalism and wanton destruction of property. That means a fine of fifteen hundred dollars, or three times the cost to repair damages -- whichever's more, plus two and a half months to two and a half years of jail. StuporMom points out that Mary's a minor. Bill says that at seventeen, "she's certainly not going to be viewed as a minor child in the eyes of the court." Then Bill says that all this crap about the "Diversion Program," which is basically probation with community service. Blah, blah, blah. Annie pants eagerly when Bill says that in the Diversion Program, Mary's offense will eventually be removed from her record. RevCam interrupts to make certain that "there's a very real chance" that Mary will go to jail if she's not accepted into the Diversion Program. StuporMom quivers and blinks, Mary sighs and rolls her eyes, and the clarinet sobs us into the commercial.