Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Restitution Whores
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 2 | Aired on 05.23.2011
Dude, he does. Yank the front of your wig down to your eyebrows and you'll be the spitting.
Melissa: "On the one hand, he has a pretty sick body, in the gay-muscle-bear-fireplug way of men in our town. [True]. On the other hand, he's wearing a dress, and that is no good. [Also, tremendously, true]."
Gia: "I'd better get used to wearing a wig for when I start pulling my hair out and eating it."
Teresa: Has so many children. Whichever one I'm looking at, I assume that one's Gia.
Adrianna: Is dressed as Sue Sylvester. It's pretty cute.
Teresa: "Like I care about any of this shit. I wish my brother was here. I wish we were married. I wish we were all back home, when we were little cavepeople, being raised in an environment of violence that would amaze you and has left permanent scars on all of us. I wish my husband didn't work in a money-laundering front and we were still rich. All I think about is Melissa, at all times."
Melissa: "I really don't treat myself very well."
YOUR HUSBAND HATES WOMEN, FOR STARTERS
Catwoman and Joe-resa enter their living room. It's weird to think about two people with bodies like that having the terrible sex they have. What a waste.
Kathy, explaining basic shit to you: "It was like... A trainwreck... That you have to look away from... But you can't."
Kim D brings a bunch of random blondes to their door, and everybody screeches at each other like this is a Saturday Night Live sketch.
Kim D, on her costume, whatever the hell this means: "I'm half a hooker! Kind of!"
Kim G, on her costume: "Is it Halloween? I was just dressed like Grizzabella today for no reason."
Melissa: "So now I got two crazy bitches in my house."
Okay, that was a pretty good one. Melissa's pretty funny a lot of the time. Anyway, the Kims are turned on by Joey's Teresa costume, of course. Whatever's the most bizarre thing, that's what they're into.
CLUB GUIDO
Melissa: "This club we're going to is so funny. They're all so stereotypically 'Jersey,' you know? Like, 'Stop being such a guido!' You know what I mean? "
UM, YEAH. WE SURE DO.
Joey dances in his hooch costume, Kim G is there looking spooky and creepy everywhere, Kathy is dressed like Burning Man, they're all getting crunk.
Kim G, hungrily: "Tell me about what is going to happen when you see Teresa at the Posche 'fashion' show. In detail."
Melissa: "Well, first I'm going to need an apology for that time she congratulated us on our son's baptism. That still stings a little."
Kim G: Getting visibly turned on by even just the hint of drama.