Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Restitution Whores
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 2 | Aired on 05.23.2011
Gia, scraping and chopping the face of a pumpkin: "This is what happens to snitches."
Random lady: "So Teresa, tell us about the Shit that happened last episode."
Teresa, and I'll say it, the girl looks beautiful: "[One-sided loony self-exculpating account of the Shit.]"
Caroline: "Am I going to have to involve myself? ...Wait, of course I am. Yes."
Teresa: "Juicy, can you change our daughter while I continue talking about myself?"
Juicy: "That is for women. Well, okay. I'll go inside and tell the men about this meaningless drama too."
(He refers to Brother Joey as a "little fidget," I think, which is awesome.)
Teresa: "It was like a terrible dream."
Caroline: "Were your kids involved in this bullshit?"
Teresa: "The only possible answer to that question that's even worse than the truth is, 'I'm not sure.' Therefore, I'm not sure."
Other people: Offer advice and valid suggestions.
Caroline: "EVERYBODY STOP TALKING. I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD TALK."
They: Shut up.
Caroline: "We're having a Posche 'fashion' show at the Brownstone. Isn't that a coincidence? The Gorgas will be there, so probably there will be fighting."
Teresa, to us: "I don't need Caroline's advice. I don't have to do what she says."
Teresa, to Caroline: "Thank you for your advice. I will do exactly what you say, but with a bullshitty mean spin that renders it useless."
EVERY DAY IS HALLOWEEN WITH THE GORGAS
Everybody: "How did all of this shit randomly go down? Were you total bitches to Teresa because you were drunk? Her very favorite thing?"
Melissa: "Kind of, but mostly I love my kids. So that's why I was acting awful."
Everybody: "Awww. You're not to blame because you have kids."
Both Melissa and Joe, by the way, are wearing wool caps and look like Color Me Badd groupies.
Melissa: "She congratulated us on our son!"
Joey: "I just fucking lost it at that point."
Melissa: "She just wouldn't stop congratulating us and being polite! It was torture!"
Actually, they have my sympathies on that one. Teresa's fake nice-nice/"Why are you being so weird" maneuver is just about the grossest thing -- from a wealth of possibilities -- about her. Not least because of the implication that everybody is at least as stupid as she is, which implication is just straight-up offensive.