Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Restitution Whores
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 2 | Aired on 05.23.2011
Jacqueline: "Screw growing old gracefully, who does that?"
Lauren: "My mom?"
They: Share a slightly nasty, mostly loving giggle at Caroline's expense, but they're not wrong. Frankly I don't know how Lauren stands it in that household. I'm way too dramatic and self-obsessed to be the kid that gets left out of the family stuff, so maybe I'm just looking at it from my direction. Of course, Lauren is pretty awesome, so maybe the same rule applies here as with all the Housewives Kids: The less attention they get, the less sucky they are.
SO POSH!
Everybody sits down in that room where Danielle kept yelling "crack whore" for no reason at all, and they all start drinking -- excellent -- and as usual, the more makeup you put on Jacqueline the less pretty she gets.
Teresa: "[Explains more bloodline information, who is related to whom, that I will not retain.]"
Caroline: "Teresa, I'm going to order for you okay?"
Teresa: "Why are the Kims here? Why are they talking to Melissa?"
Caroline: "Why is Kim G dressed like Glinda the Good Witch right now? Why did she just eat that centerpiece? Why is she jamming hams and stereo equipment up her dress?"
Teresa: "I can't stop staring over there."
Caroline: "I hate when I'm not the center of attention. Look at me. LOOK AT ME."
Kim G: "Anybody got some poppers? Wanna see my jam my whole fist in my mouth? I skinned a dog and ate it this morning. Raw."
Caroline on Teresa: "Somehow it's ended up that I'm friends with Teresa. Not sure how that fucking happened. But I'm sticking with it, okay."
Caroline on Kathy: "[Her usual wannabe-mobster Family Thing she always does.]"
JERSEY GOES HAUTE
Stripper dress. Stripper dress. Stripper heels. Fur wrap. Kims dancing weird. Prom dress. Color blocks. '80s stripes. Payless pumps. Stripper dress. Flapper hair. Costume jewelry. Zip booties. Midi-dresses. More Kims. Orange skin. That bra that smushes your back fat. Jacqueline's boobs. Melissa looking like a total jackass. Teresa. Hair spray. A crush of human bodies. 30 years of cigarettes in the walls. The clearly defined rouge line of one plumped imaginary cheekbone. Stripper heels. Fur wrap. Stripper dress. Boobs. Orange.
Jacqueline, adorably self-conscious: "I did terrible! Didn't I do terrible? Tell me I'm amazing."
Melissa takes the runway looking totally crazy and cracked out, but everybody cheers and yells for her and the Bravo music goes insane. She's wearing a poorly fitted silver-sequin tunic top with gigantic white-feather skirt. Then she goes back out on the runway for another turn, thanks to the urging of a Kim.