Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Aw, Tom, It's Not Even My Birthday!
By Couch Baron | Season 2 | Episode 1 | Aired on 07.12.1998
Case introduces the rest of his team to reporters. He says he doesn't know how long the investigation will take. Um, yeah -- we're only twelve minutes in. Later, Case interviews Hill. Hill again asks about Dobbins and Vahue, to no avail. Case asks Hill to state, in as many words as possible, what he thinks led to the riot. Case, I still like you, but here's another tip: Encouraging Hill to talk? Not a good thing. Thankfully, instead of Hill's ruminations, we get a montage of other people's thoughts, including Pete's, who basically says that that shit is gonna happen in prisons. Word, Pete. Mukada says that the world imploded. Indeed. We flash back to Alvarez beating on Mineo, and then he says they "treated the hostages good." Hee. Although really, he did. There's not much else I can really recap here, which is why montages are a recapper's wet dream. Later, Case hears from Gloria that the hacks that were killed were shot in the back. Case informs us that Scott Ross was one of the prisoners that died. Pardon me while I bounce around my apartment in unbridled enthusiasm. BOING BOING BOING! That was fun. Case goes on that Ross was shot once in each of the head, heart, and testicles, and notes that it's a bit suspicious that he was hit so precisely. Gloria reacts to this news with all the emotion that Halle Berry has displayed in the role of Storm.
Cut to Adebisi, who's torn up his pillow and is wailing and throwing feathers around and basically starring in a one-man version of Boy, Interrupted. Not big fans of that movie, the SORT team busts in. They beat him up and drag him down the hall, and as they do, he smiles and tells one of them he loves him. Wow. I mean, he didn't even lick his balls! Elsewhere, Glynn bitches to Case about the investigation. Case asks about Ross, and informs Glynn that he thinks Ross was murdered. We learn the new information that the bullets that killed Ross match the ones used in the SORT team's handguns, not their rifles. Glynn tries to fanwank an explanation, but when Case tells him that the bullet that pierced Ross's heart was taken out of the floor, meaning he'd already been felled, he gives up. I need this guy to moderate for me. Soon after, Glynn takes Case to the gym, where members of the SORT team are sparring. Glynn calls to "Officer Heim," who removes his mask and pants and stares all, "I was born to kick ass." He's played by Paul Schulze, who since has graced our television screens as Father Phil on The Sopranos and Chappelle on 24. He's kind of hot, in a glowering frat-boy kind of way. ["And you're kind of fired, in an 'ewwww' kind of way. Because ewwww." -- Sars] In the locker room, Case asks questions as Heim disrobes, and if he was hot before, he's positively smoking now. His body's more toned than El Scorcho's, and not in a steroid-y way either. Case says that Heim's gun was used to kill Ross, but he didn't mention Ross in his report. Heim unconcernedly admits that he lost track of his gun at some point, but found it on the floor. Case: "Officer Heim, do I look like a stupid fuckin' idiot to you?" Heim's face is priceless as he says no. Case goes on that his story's bullshit, as SORT guys love their weapons more than they love pussy. Fontana, are you trying to take all the challenge out of my job? And any dick joke I were to make here would be backed up by the fact that Heim checks out Case's package twice in this scene. Watch again if you don't believe me. Case asks who Heim's covering for, but Heim has little to say other than calling Ross a "scum fuck," a sentiment with which I heartily concur, and asking Case, "Who the fuck side are you on?" Case: "The law. I'm on the law's side." He dismisses the walking ball of testosterone, who gets to flash his bare ass to the camera. Was it good, you ask? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe watching it ten more times will help me decide.