Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Aw, Tom, It's Not Even My Birthday!
By Couch Baron | Season 2 | Episode 1 | Aired on 07.12.1998
Hill-cakes. Wangler-cakes. Aaaand the scene you've all been waiting for. After a hack passes by, Robson jumps down from the top bunk and demands that Beecher suck his dick. After Robson hits him in the face, he complies. We see a shot of Rebadow's face, and his expression is pricelessly ambiguous. He's probably wondering if God's checking out this shit. Suddenly, we hear a little snap, and Robson screams in pain. He keeps howling and falls to the floor as Beecher stands, blood on his beard, and spits the tip at Robson. That Beecher. Give him an inch...a still-screaming Robson gets wheeled into the infirmary, blood all over his nether regions, and a naked Beecher gets thrown in the Hole, in which he spits again for good measure. Geez, we get it, Beecher. We may not want it, but we get it.
Glynn finds Case in Em City. Case tells him that he thinks a non-prisoner killed Ross, as he thinks Heim was lying to cover for someone, and that someone wouldn't be a prisoner. So it had to be D'Agnasti, Diane, or Mukada. We all know where this is going, right? Good.
Case asks Mukada his opinion of Ross. Mukada terms him a "condescending little prick." Preach it, Father Ray. He admits to having been terrified, and flashes back to being lined up right before the SORT team entered. He says his nose itched, and that's all he could think about. I don't think Mukada had any idea about who killed Ross, but it would have been interesting to see what he would have done if he had.
Back in Gen Pop, D'Agnasti, who doesn't seem much the worse for wear, threatens to beat Wangler up if he doesn't shut it. You go, you chubby hack. Case asks him for a moment of his time, and ascertains that the hostages' hands were tied behind their backs when the SORT team entered. D'Agnasti says that he got free only after the shooting stopped, and that Ross was the one that tied him up. Case notes, "You didn't like Ross." Case, you were doing so well. Don't make me start calling you "Captain Obvious." D'Agnasti: "What was there to like?" Amen.
Next stop: Diane, who's working the front door. Case notes that it's a quiet assignment compared to her last job. On cue, the Ironic Segue Fairy enters, setting off the metal detector. You really need to get a plastic wand, ISF. Actually, it's a young woman who says she's there to see her husband, "Billy Kempf." Upon being told the prison's in lockdown, she gets all "I will always wave my finger in your face," which is ironic, since she reminds me more of Kimmi than Alicia, says she drove 312 miles, and produces a piece of paper that apparently validates her claim. This quickly devolves into a shouting match, the better to show Case up, until Kimmi 2.0 is forcibly removed. No tired "off the island" jokes, please. I know I made an O.J. joke, but it's been so long that those are now retro. Once Kimmi 2.0 is gone, Case asks for Diane's version of events again, under the pretense of having lost his notebook. Diane gives a disbelieving sniff, but tells him that the tear gas made it hard to see, so she and McManus ducked behind a column until the shooting stopped. They thought it was over, so McManus leaned out for a look and got shot. No flashback? Well, I guess I would never have made it through the recap if there had been one, what with all the pausing and the rewinding and the slow-forwarding. Diane goes on that she cradled him in his arms until help arrived. That'll be important later. Case asks what kind of prisoner Ross was. Diane lies that he was "average," but flashes back to when Ross told her they were "joined at the hip." I guess Diane was trying to sever that connection when she hit him in the balls. Case leaves.