Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A Call To Many Crappy Arm-Like Digital Inserts Of Discontent
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.11.2004
Cut to an overhead shot of a dank, forbidding alleyway. A nearby sign, incidentally, identifies the location as North Beach. Just thought you'd like to know. A grimy Dolt orbs onto the asphalt from above to swagger and eyebrow his way through the general area as he calls out, "I know you're here, Barbas! You can't keep running from me!" Barbas? Fucking hell. Sure enough, the scenery-chomping ham and bane of my existence flickers in beside the Dolt in spectral form to whisper something stupid about fear or whatever, but I stopped paying attention because Barbas specifies that an ever-useless Elder -- and the emphasis is mine -- "tried to kill [the Dolt's] son," like, hello? An ever-useless Elder DID kill the Dolt's son, and fuck all of you for ignoring that fact. ANY-way. The Dolt catalogues Barbas's contributions to Snidely's season-ending efforts, and vows to off him for those contributions alone. The Dolt then whips around to prance down the alleyway, in the process passing right through Barbas's spectral form. For some reason, this causes the demon to flicker out and reappear as a solid with a gaping and bloody wound in his shoulder. No, that doesn't make any sense at all, because it's not as if the Dolt were wielding a knife or anything, but we're not even through the pre-credits sequence of this dismal excuse for an episode, so fuck it. Barbas glances about in shock for a moment before dissolving into a pillar of flame that vanishes down through the street. No, that wasn't a vanquish. It's the way the guy gets around. Unfortunately. The Dolt bounds back over to the space Barbas has just vacated, and Brian Krause pulls his best Smell The Fart acting skills out of his bag of thespianic tricks before the Dolt orbs after the demon.
High atop the Golden Gate Bridge, Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air peacefully meditates above the whizzing traffic below, clad in one of those hideous gold-toned velour Elder outfits. Barbas flames in behind him for the briefest of moments, then flames out again as the Dolt orbs in to take his place. "Zola?" the Dolt pants, more than a bit surprised to find an Elder where the Demon Of Fear should be. Uncle Phil serenely opens his eyes and greets the Dolt warmly. The Dolt, instantly suspicious and hostile, spits, "Where's Barbas?" "Who?" stupid Uncle Phil replies, and I'm sorry, but if this ever-useless Elder is too dumb to know who the fucking Demon Of Fear is, he deserves to die. Ooops! Spoiler! Spectral Barbas flickers in at the Dolt's side to murmur, "He's covering up for me! Oh, you know he is -- you tracked me here!" Stupid Uncle Phil splutters something idiotic as Barbas continues, "One of your greatest fears -- you know, the good guys, the bad guys...pfft! They're all the same now!" "That makes him," Barbas finishes, indicating Stupid Uncle Phil, "just. Like. [Snidely]!" Oh, dear God. Whatever you do, do not pause your tape of this episode right at the moment Barbas sneers Snidely's name, because Krause's face? In this frame? Will have you screaming yourself awake from night terrors for the next fifteen years. His features compress and clot in the middle of his face while the tendons in his neck pop out about three inches as his eyes go eerily blank. He looks like George Bush. Eeek!