Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A Call To Many Crappy Arm-Like Digital Inserts Of Discontent
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.11.2004
"Who are you talking to?" Piper wonders as she wanders in from the upper hall, cradling the swaddled Tiny Gay Log in her arms. "Nobody," the Dolt quickly lies, heading back for the Book before challenging her with, "How did you know I was here?" Piper, sporting a rather fetching black, Vietnamese-style blouse with light blue piping, notes that the Psycho actually sensed the Dolt's presence in the Manor. "Must be that orbing thing you guys share," she kindly muses, tentatively stepping further into the room. "He misses you," she adds as she reaches the Book. "We all do." The Dolt distractedly allows that he misses them as well before asking if the Book has any information on Barbas other than the demon's main entry. "No," Piper replies, not letting him get away with changing the subject. "Would you like to hold your child?" she prompts, indicating the Tiny Gay Log in her arms. "I...I...I can't," the Dolt stammers as the shot cuts to a supposedly guilt-inducing glamour shot of Tiny Gay Chris peering up from his mother's arms at his worthless deadbeat of a father. So happy to see you got rid of the genetic aberration you hired to portray Tiny Gay Chris in the finale, guys, but this kid? Has dark brown eyes. Recast! Immediately! And while I was thus distracted, Piper continued with what is, quite honestly, the only emotionally engaging scene in the entire episode, shadowed as it is with the specter of Big Gay Chris's death. "You need to [hold him]," she softly chides the Dolt. "[Tiny Gay] Chris didn't die. He's alive." Tiny Gay Chris is also working that pacifier like Maggie on The Simpsons. Snerk. Go figure. Oh, did I just go there? I need help. "You need to move on," Piper concludes, ignoring my tasteless remark. "Not until Barbas is gone and they're both safe," comes the Dolt's predictable response. Or is it? When he said "both," did he mean Tiny Gay Chris and the Psycho? Or did he mean both Chrises? Likely the former, I realize, but, you know. Cut me some slack here. We're twelve minutes into this episode, and I haven't given a good goddamn about a single fucking thing that's happened yet. Is this what the whole season's going to be like? Glaah. In any event, the stupid, neglectful Dolt immediately orbs out after that last vow of his, leaving Piper to gaze down sadly at her tiny gay log, alone. Again.
Hell. No, really. We're down in Hell for the first time this season, and color me surprised: The demonic healer last seen tending to Melinda Clarke's rather brutal shishkebabbing a whole two years ago is back to cauterize the gash in Barbas's shoulder with a red-hot andiron. We still don't get an explanation of how the Dolt could have inflicted that wound simply by passing through Barbas's spectral form, but that's not important, I suppose. What is important is that the Head chooses this moment to reappear, whistling past Barbas while muttering something of dark import. Specifically, "Go after the bayyyy-beeeeee." Naturally, the demonic doc can't see the Head and snorts something snide about Barbas's apparent hallucinations, so Barbas smites him with a Flaming Ball Of Death. The good news? We won't be waiting around wondering if that guy's gonna pop up again in Season Nine. The bad news? I have a sickening feeling there's actually going to be a Season Nine. That is, if Alyssa Milano doesn't totally pull a Karen Carpenter before then, of course. Sigh. This is the show that never ends -- it just goes on and on, my friend -- some people started airing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue airing it forever, just because this is the show that never ends -- it just goes on and on, my friend -- some people started airing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue airing it forever, just because this is the show that never ends -- it just goes on and on, my friend -- some people started airing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue airing it forever just because this is the shokldnvlkoeriugdldcnladknckl....