Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A Call To Many Crappy Arm-Like Digital Inserts Of Discontent
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.11.2004
Anywho, Raige, having finally wrestled Tiny Gay Chris out of his befouled diaper, wrinkles her nose and sends the thing into a nearby trashcan with her orbing telekinesis, eliciting a howl of protest from Piper over that whole stupid using-magic-for-personal-gain thing. Fine, Piper, Raige is a lazy sow for not taking two steps over to dump the thing into the bin herself, but then again, it's just a fucking diaper. Have a cocktail already and get over it. And you can get over yourself while you're at it, too. But I'm getting agitated for no good reason, as that exchange simply serves as an awkward segue into an even more awkward bout of expository dialogue involving Phoebe's long-lost powers, Raige's supposed cabin fever, and Piper's newfound agoraphobia. The powers and cabin fever don't interest me in the slightest. The agoraphobia is quite boring in its own right, but as it relates to the death of my very late, very lamented, and very pretty husband, I'll pay attention to it. For now. Raige notes that lately, she hasn't been able to get out of the house as often as she'd like before clumsily adding, "It wouldn't hurt you to get out a little bit, too. I mean, you've been cooped up in here ever since..." Raige trails off as Holly Marie Combs, in a bit of toxically stupid direction, quickly averts her gaze to examine quite closely the bland set of kitchen magnets decorating refrigerator door. That bit of business would have made a certain anvilicious sense if a photo of Big Gay Chris in happier times had been affixed to the appliance. However, you have to remember how cheap the fucking bastards are who produce this shit. If they'd scattered pictures of Big Chris around the Manor, they'd have to pay Drew Fuller for the use of his image, and we can't be having that sort of drain on the budget, especially when some boyband fucktard I just want to PUNCH in the FACE is now on the payroll for six episodes. In any event, Raige urges Piper to open up about the events of the finale, but Piper goes all Cleopatra on Raige's meddling ass, what with the "Chris is FINE, do you hear me? FINE!" type of denial that's sure to swing around and bite her in the asp before the evening is over. Actually, her ex-husband's asp, but I'm getting ahead of myself. And making supremely bad "jokes" while I'm doing it. God, this is awful.
Long story short, Piper shuts Raige down with "It all worked out," just as Phoebe beelines for the coffee pot from the living room. The good news? The hair's growing in, and by that I mean the hair on her head, not the hair on her arms. The bad news? She's just as self-absorbed, badly dressed, and bony as she was at the end of last season. Scratch that -- she's even more bony than she was at the end of last season. I think Alyssa Milano picked up a tapeworm during her U.N.-sponsored jaunt to Africa over the summer. And possibly a touch of malaria as well. As Phoebe pours herself a cup of coffee while completely ignoring the gloomy mood of the room, she babbles something about being late for work -- again -- while nattering out cheery instructions for the others to ready themselves for the wedding they're all to attend that afternoon. And with that, the Feebs glides blithely back out of the kitchen. "Wait -- what?" Piper yowls, spinning on her heel to fly out of the room after the Feebs. "What wedding?" she demands. "Christy's?" Phoebe prompts. Piper The Sudden Agoraphobe oh-nos and immediately cites "the kids" as an excuse to bail on the whole thing as Raige appears over her shoulder with the Tiny Gay Log to remind them all that "the kids were invited, too." Therefore, Piper has no excuse not to attend, and besides, it would be good for all of the Manor Morons to get out of the freaking house for once. Piper, ignoring her, insists she can't leave because "the baby --" "-- needs to be exposed to a germ or two," Phoebe finishes for her. "Build up his immune system?" she continues. "He's too young!" Piper flusters. "Piper," Phoebe replies, not having it. "He's two months old. You can't protect them from the big, bad world forever. They are going to have to leave the house at some point." Two months old, huh? I guess that means this is all taking place in January of next year, so I must be writing this recap from the future. Again. Sigh. Piper, momentarily silenced, simply shoots Phoebe A Look while Raige jostles the Tiny Gay Log around in her arms. "By the way," Phoebe artlessly segues, "how's [the Dolt] doing?" "Considering who betrayed him," Piper ices, "he's doing as well as can be expected." With that, she beats a clomping, pissy retreat back into the kitchen, leaving Phoebe and Raige to mug helplessly at each other.